know what I know,’ I said coldly. It was a brotherly remark, one that I’d often used to end our childhood arguments. But Yaril was no longer the innocent little golden-haired sister that I’d left behind most of a year ago. She would no longer be cowed by a simple assertion of superior knowledge.
She merely sniffed and replied, ‘And I know what I know! And that is that you are as fat as a hog and you’re going to humiliate all of us at Rosse’s wedding. What will Remwar’s family think of me, having such a brother? Will they fear that I, too, will inflate like a bladder? I was hoping that this wedding might be a chance for me to make a good impression on his parents, so that his offer for my hand might become formal. But they won’t even see me. I’ll be eclipsed behind you!’
‘I didn’t choose this, Yaril. You might stop for one moment to think of my feelings.’ All the resentment I felt at my father’s harsh treatment of me was blossoming into fury at Yaril’s childish concern for her dignity. ‘You’re such a selfish little girl. Every letter you sent me, you begged me for gifts. And fool that I am, I sent them. And now that I’ve returned home after nearly dying in the filthy city, you disdain me because of my physical appearance. A fine welcome I’ve received from any of you! The only one who has shown one jot of sympathy for my situation is Mother!’
‘And why shouldn’t she?’ Yaril flashed back at me. ‘You were always her favourite! And now that you’ve ruined yourself for being a soldier, she can keep you here with her, always! Carsina won’t have you, fat as a hog, and when she looks around, she and her family will take Remwar away from me! He was her father’s first choice for her anyway. You’ve ruined it for everyone, Nevare, you selfish pig!’
Before I could even reply to that, she played a woman’s trump card. She burst into tears and then ran off into the darkness, sobbing into her hands. ‘Yaril!’ I called after her. ‘Come back here! Yaril, come back!’
But she did not, and I was left standing alone by the stupid fishpond that I’d helped to build. At the time it had seemed like an enchanting concept. Now I saw it for the folly it was. The fishpond and fountain were completely at odds with the land that surrounded us. To build something which could not be sustained save by daily effort was a vanity and a waste and an insult to the beauty of the true nature that surrounded us. What had seemed a shady retreat from the harsh plains that surrounded our home now seemed foolish self-indulgence.
I sank down onto Yaril’s bench and considered the words she had flung at me. She’d been angry and she’d used her best ammunition to wound me. But how much of it was true? Would Carsina ask her father to break his agreement with my father? I tried to worry about it but a wave of hunger washed through me, leaving me feeling both nauseous and hollow. I rocked forward over my belly and embraced it as if it were an ally instead of my enemy.
I was in that undignified posture when I heard a light footstep on the pathway. I straightened up and prepared for battle but it wasn’t Yaril returning. Instead it was my mother, holding a lantern to guide her steps as she came softly down the walk.
‘There you are,’ she said when she saw me. ‘Why didn’t you come down to dinner?’ Her tone was gentle.
‘I thought it better to stay away.’ I tried to make my voice jovial. ‘As you can see, perhaps I’ve had too many dinners of late.’
‘Well. I won’t deny that your appearance surprised me. But I did miss you. I’ve scarcely had a chance to speak to you. And…’ She hesitated a moment and then went on delicately, ‘I do need you to return to the house and come to my sewing room with me.’
I stood, grateful for an ally. ‘Are you going to let out my cadet uniform to fit me?’
She smiled but shook her head. ‘Nevare, that is simply impossible. There isn’t enough fabric to let out, and even if I could, it would show badly. No, my son. But I have several folds of a very nice blue fabric, and if I put the seamstresses to work on it tonight, we should have something presentable by the wedding.’
My heart sank at the thought that I was hopelessly too large for my uniform but I squared my shoulders to bear the truth. Presentable. My mother would help me, and I would not look ridiculous at my brother’s wedding. ‘Seamstresses?’ I asked, keeping my voice light. ‘When did we become so prosperous as to employ seamstresses?’
‘Since your brother decided to wed. The decision has little to do with prosperity and more to do with necessity. I sent for two from the west two months ago. I was fortunate that I did, for between making new curtains and hangings and bedclothes for your brother’s chambers and ensuring that the entire family would have wedding clothes as well as ball gowns for your sisters, well! It would be impossible for your sisters and me to do that much sewing in such a short time and still have time for all the other preparations.’
She led the way, holding her little lantern up to guide us. I watched my mother’s trim figure as she stepped lightly along and I suddenly felt monstrous and misshapen, some great beast hulking after her. The house was quiet as we went down the hall to her sewing room. I imagined that my father and Rosse had settled down to quieter talk and that Elisi had gone off to bed. I thought of mentioning that I’d spoken with Yaril and she’d run off in tears, but my old habit of protecting my little sister was still strong. My mother would scold her for being outside at this hour on her own. Annoyed as I was at Yaril, I still had no desire to get her in trouble. I let it go.
I had a very uncomfortable session in the sewing room as my mother measured me and jotted down her notes. She frowned as she did so, and I knew that she tried not to be shocked. As she was measuring my waist, my stomach rumbled loudly, and she actually jumped back from me. Then she laughed nervously and went back to her task. When she was finished, she said worriedly, ‘I hope I have enough blue fabric.’
A pang of hunger cramped me. When it passed, I said, ‘Carsina was particularly hoping that I would wear my uniform to the wedding.’
‘And how would you know that?’ my mother asked with a sly smile. Then she quietly added, ‘Don’t even hope for that, Nevare. In truth, I think we shall have to have a new uniform made for you when you go back. I don’t know how you managed to wear the one you brought home.’
‘It fit me when I left the Academy. Well, it was tight, but I could still put it on. Mother, I truly don’t understand what is happening to me. I’ve travelled hard and eaten no more than I ordinarily would, but even since I left the Academy, I’ve put on flesh.’
‘It’s that starchy food they feed you at that school. I’ve heard about places like that, trying to save money by feeding the students cheap food. It’s probably all potatoes and bread and—’
‘It’s not the food, Mother!’ I cut in almost roughly. ‘I’ve only gained this weight since I recovered from the plague. I think that somehow the two are connected.’
She stopped speaking abruptly, and I felt I had been rude to her, though I had not intended to. She rebuked me gently for lying. ‘Nevare, every young man that I’ve ever seen who has recovered from the plague has been thin as a rack of bones. I don’t think we can blame this on your illness. I do think that a long convalescence such as you had, with many hours in bed with little to do save eat and read could change a man. I said as much to your father, and asked him not to be so harsh with you. I cannot promise you that he will heed me, but I did ask.’
I wanted to shout that she wasn’t listening to me. With difficulty, I restrained myself and said only, ‘Thank you for being my advocate.’
‘I always have been, you know,’ she said quietly. ‘Now when you finish your work tomorrow, take care to wash well and then come here for a fitting. The ladies will be here to help me then.’
I took a deep breath. My anger was gone, consumed in a dark tide of dejection. ‘I shall take care to be clean and inoffensive,’ I told her. ‘Good night, Mother.’
She reached up to kiss me on the cheek. ‘Don’t despair, son. You have confronted what is wrong, accepted it, and now