the bars to heave herself up, while James stood behind, supporting her, silent and nervous, but reliable.
‘Excellent,’ the midwife said encouragingly. ‘Are you ready?’
Amaia nodded.
‘Right, here comes another,’ she said, her eye on the monitor. ‘Push, my dear.’
She pressed down as hard as she could, holding her breath as she felt something tear inside her.
‘It’s finished. Well done, Amaia, very good. Except that you need to breathe, for your sake and that of your baby. Next time, breathe – believe me, it’ll be over much more quickly.’
Amaia agreed obediently, while James wiped the sweat from her face.
‘Good, here comes another. Push, Amaia, let’s finish this, help your baby, bring her out.’
Two or ten, two or ten, a voice inside her head repeated.
‘Not ten,’ she whispered.
Concentrating on her breathing, she kept pushing until she felt as if her soul were draining out of her, and an overwhelming sensation of emptiness seized her entire body.
Perhaps I’m bleeding to death, she thought. And she reflected that, if she were, she wouldn’t care, because to bleed was peaceful and sweet. She had never bled like this, but Agent Dupree had nearly died from a bullet in the chest; he had told her that, although being shot was agonising, to bleed felt peaceful and sweet, like turning into oil and trickling away. And the more you bled, the less you cared.
Then she heard the wail. Strong and powerful, a genuine statement of intent.
‘Oh my goodness, what a beautiful boy!’ the nurse exclaimed.
‘And he’s blond, like you,’ added the midwife.
Amaia turned to look at James, who was as bewildered as she was.
‘A boy?’ she said.
The nurse’s voice reached them from the side of the room.
‘Yes, indeed, a boy who weighs 3.2 kilos and is pretty as a picture.’
‘But … they told us it was a girl,’ stammered Amaia.
‘Well, they were wrong. It happens occasionally, but usually the other way round, girls who look like boys because of where the umbilical cord is.’
‘Are you sure?’ insisted James, who was still supporting Amaia from behind.
Amaia felt the warmth of the tiny body the nurse had just placed on top of her, wrapped in a towel and wriggling vigorously.
‘A boy, no doubt about it,’ said the nurse, raising the towel to reveal the baby’s naked body.
Amaia was in shock.
Her son’s little face twisted in exaggerated grimaces; he was squirming as though searching for something. Raising a tiny fist to his mouth, he sucked at it hard, then half-opened his eyes and stared.
‘Oh my God, James, it’s a boy,’ she managed to say.
Her husband reached out and stroked the infant’s soft cheek with his fingers.
‘He’s beautiful, Amaia …’ he said with a catch in his voice, as he leaned over to kiss her. The tears ran down his face and his lips tasted salty.
‘Well done, my darling.’
‘Well done to you, too, Aita,’ she said, gazing at the baby, who appeared fascinated by the overhead lights, eyes wide open.
‘You really had no idea it was a boy?’ the midwife asked, surprised. ‘I was sure you did, because you kept repeating his name during the birth. Ibai, Ibai. Is that what you’re going to call him?’
‘Ibai … the river,’ whispered Amaia.
She gazed at James, who was beaming, then at her son.
‘Yes, yes!’ she declared. ‘Ibai, that’s his name.’ And then she burst out laughing.
James looked at her, grinning at her contentment.
‘Why are you laughing?’
She was giggling uncontrollably and couldn’t stop.
‘I’m … I’m imagining your mother’s face when she finds out she has to take everything back.’
Three months later
Amaia thought she recognised the song that reached her, scarcely a whisper, from the living room. She had just finished clearing away the lunch things, and, drying her hands on a kitchen towel, she walked over to the door, the better to hear the lullaby her aunt was singing to Ibai in a soft, soothing voice. Yes, it was the same one. Although she hadn’t heard it for years, she recognised the song her Amatxi Juanita used to sing to her when she was little. The memory brought back her adored and much-lamented Juanita, wrapped in her widow’s weeds, hair swept up in a bun, fastened with silver combs that could barely contain her unruly white curls; her grandmother, the only woman who had cradled her as an infant:
Txitxo politori
zu nere laztana,
katiatu ninduzun,
libria nintzana.
Libriak libre dira,
zu ta ni katig,
librerik oba dana,
biok dakigu. 1
Sitting in the armchair near the blazing fire, Engrasi held the tiny Ibai in her arms, eyes fixed on his little face as she recited the old verses of that mournful lullaby. She was smiling, although Amaia distinctly remembered her grandmother weeping as she sang it to her. She wondered why, reflecting that perhaps Juanita already understood the suffering in her granddaughter’s soul, and shared her fears.
Nire laztana laztango
Kalian negarrez dago,
Aren negarra gozoago da
Askoren barrea baiño. 2
When the song finished, Juanita would dry her tears with the spotless handkerchief embroidered with her initials and those of her husband, the grandfather Amaia had never known, gazing down at her from the faded portrait that presided over the dining room.
‘Why are you crying, Amatxi? Does the song make you sad?’
‘Take no notice, my love, your amatxi is a silly old woman.’
And yet she sighed, clasping the girl still more tightly in her arms, holding her a little longer, although Amaia was happy to stay.
She stood listening to the end of the lullaby, relishing the pleasure of recalling the words just before her aunt sang them. In the air lingered an aroma of stew, burning logs and the wax on Engrasi’s furniture. James had fallen asleep on the sofa, and although the room wasn’t cold, Amaia went over, covering him as best she could with a small, red rug. He opened his eyes for an instant, blew her a kiss and carried on dozing. Amaia pulled up a chair next to her aunt and sat contemplating her: the old lady had stopped singing, yet she continued to gaze in awe at the face of the sleeping child. Engrasi looked at her niece, smiling as she held the child out for her to take. Amaia kissed him gently on the head before putting him in his cot.
‘Is James asleep?’ Engrasi asked.
‘Yes, we hardly slept a wink. Ibai sometimes has cholic after a feed, especially at night, so James was up in the small hours, pacing round the