else.
Candy tugs on my arm.
“Are we going somewhere soon? ’Cause there’s like a hundred guys watching us through the windows.”
She’s right. A mob of the legions guarding the palace is clustered around the lobby windows. This isn’t any time to find out if they’re happy to see their old boss or if they want to flay me alive. I pull Candy to the elevator.
One of the guards all of a sudden grows a pair and yells, “Halt!”
When I look he already has his rifle leveled at us.
I let go of Candy’s hand and turn and face him. Put out my arm and manifest a Gladius, an angelic flaming sword. It’s impressive anywhere, but inside the lobby it’s like the sun reflecting off the skin of a cruise missile.
“Make your move, shit heel. I took Mason Faim’s head and I can take yours.”
He stands there for a minute pointing his gun at me. I know he’s not going to shoot. There’s a window on these things. Someone points a gun at you and doesn’t shoot in the first few seconds, they get thinking about the consequences. And the more they think, the less likely they are to pull the trigger. This clown’s been thinking long enough to whistle the long version of “Layla.”
He looks around at his Hellion buddies. None of them have their guns up. Why should they? That’s Lucifer upstairs, king high prick himself. If he can’t handle Sandman Slim with a chick civilian in tow, then what the hell good is he?
I touch a brass plate on the wall and the elevator doors slide open. The guards stand and stare. Touch the plate inside the elevator and the doors close and we start up.
“So far Hell is a barrel of monkeys,” says Candy.
“You ought to come on Halloween. Everyone dresses up like The Brady Bunch. Seriously. The show is huge down here.”
Her heart isn’t just beating fast, it’s trying to pound its way out of her chest and hop a plane to Bora Bora.
“You couldn’t have walked us into Lucifer’s living room or something?” she says.
“That would be rude. I stuck the guy here, I have to show him a little respect.”
She takes a couple of deep breaths.
“Sorry. I thought I was more ready for this. I’ve seen some crazy Lurker stuff, but …”
“But not a whole world of it? Don’t feel bad. No one’s prepared for this dump.”
“So this is where Sandman Slim comes from.”
“Yep.”
“You killed a lot of those guys down here.”
“Don’t be sexist. There are women Hellions too. And I killed pretty much everything down here at one time or other. And when I wasn’t doing it in the arena, Azazel, my old slave master, was sending me out to kill anyone on his shit list. Until I killed him.”
“The monster who kills monsters.”
“That’s my name. Don’t wear it out.” Then, “Nothing’s going to happen to you. I promise.”
“I believe you.”
She lets go of my hand and loops her arm in mine. We must look funny and weirdly formal when the doors open, like kids dressing up in their parents’ clothes.
“James, so good to see you,” says Mr. Muninn.
I’m not sure he means it, but he gives me a quick hug, something he’s never done before. He must really be smarting to see someone besides neurotic Hellions. Now I feel bad I didn’t come down sooner.
Mr. Muninn is entirely black. Like squid-ink black. He’s also as round as a beach ball. He’s dressed in a long brocade robe woven with a subtle fire pattern. Under it glitters Lucifer’s battle armor, the ultimate symbol of power down here. It lets everyone know who’s in charge. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to call him Lucifer or what, so I just take a shot.
“Nice to see you too, Mr. Muninn.”
He smiles. He’s already tired of being called Lucifer and all the thousand toadying variations you get with the penthouse. I know how he feels.
“You’ve brought a friend,” he says.
Muninn looks a little bemused, like I’m a neighbor kid who brought a stray cougar cub into the living room. Is that how Muninn sees Candy? I hadn’t thought about how he might react to a Jade. Maybe I’m overthinking it. I’ve dragged a civilian down with me into the worst place in existence and he probably doesn’t approve.
“Mr. Muninn, this is my friend Candy.”
“Very nice to meet you. I see you’re like our friend James here, with his penchant for a single name.”
“Yeah,” she says. “For the longest time all I knew was Stark. It must have taken him six months to tell me the James part.”
“Well, I still don’t know your last name,” I say.
She shrugs.
“As far as I know, I don’t have one. When I have to use one I usually just go with Jade.”
“Candy Jade. It sounds like one of your cartoon characters.”
“Sandman Slim sounds like grout cleaner.”
Muninn puts out his hand.
“Welcome to my humble home, Candy.”
She shakes, but her arm tightens around mine. She’s scared, like she’s afraid she’ll burst into flames if she touches him. But she’s brave and does it anyway. No flames. No explosions. Not even smoke.
“Was it smart to bring someone more innocent than you or I to this place?”
“I introduced her to Samael and she survived. She knows about me, so she was twisting my arm to meet the new Lucifer.”
Muninn says, “I wish I could meet a new Lucifer too. I don’t suppose you want the job back.”
“I’m afraid not.”
Muninn sighs and waves us to a sitting area.
The place isn’t anything like the penthouse when I lived here. I never bothered fixing it up. I left all of the anonymously expensive hotel furniture right where it was. Now the place looks like a museum. Back in L.A., Muninn lived in an underground cavern full of art, machines, toys, food, and geegaws from every civilization since the last ice age. It looks like he’s moved half of it down here.
Candy and I sit on a solid-gold love seat with tentacles for armrests and shaggy horsehide cushions. From the look of the thing it’s probably nestled the rear end of at least a couple of emperors. Muninn drops into a vintage La-Z-Boy recliner, but he keeps it upright for his guests.
“That’s not quite the look I was expecting for the new Devil,” I say.
Muninn glances across the room.
“I have a throne around here somewhere. A piece that’s even grander than the seat you’re on now. I wish I could greet all my guests in this chair. The throne plays hell with my back, no pun intended.”
“Sorry again about sticking you down here, but I had stuff I needed to get back to in the world.”
Out of the corner of my eye I catch Candy’s lips flicker into a brief smile.
“I understand. I should never have let Samael play his little trick and force you into taking his place. I created Hell, which makes me responsible for its well-being.”
Candy looks puzzled, and then lets it go.
I say, “So how’s it going down here?”
Muninn leans back into the chair.
“Better