“Sorry. I don’t know why I’m so weepy.”
Keira’s features crumpled as she tightened her arm. “Oh, honey. I never thought...never even put it together.”
“It’s okay.” Heather cut her off, surprised at the way her throat seemed to close up. “It was two years ago. And it wasn’t as if the baby was full-term.” But she pressed her lips together again, blaming the weariness that had clung to her all morning for her wavering feelings.
She hadn’t slept much last night, her thoughts a tangle of old emotions, memories and new difficulties. She had left New York determined to start over. To be independent.
But it seemed that in the space of twelve hours her new start had been easily derailed. Now she had no job, no car and no real prospects on the horizon. Her life was the same jumbled mess as when she’d been living with her biological mother, then with Mitch.
And now seeing Adana, she was faced with the reminder of two of the biggest losses in her life: her baby and John.
“You were far enough along that Mom was buying wool to knit baby sweaters.” Keira squeezed Heather’s shoulders. “I wish you would have come home after you lost the baby. I know Mom had a hard time with it all. I mean, first grandchild and all, so I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for you, stuck by yourself in that apartment in New York.”
Heather sucked in a long, deep breath, wishing she could erase the sadness that clawed at her. “It was hard. But you know, if I’d had the baby, it would have meant I would always be connected to Mitch.”
“I thought you said he never really wanted kids.”
“He didn’t, but he’s manipulative enough that he would have exercised every right he felt was his.”
“Mitch was a jerk. Actually, he probably still is,” Keira proclaimed. “I know it’s hard for you to be divorced. I’m still glad you two are done.”
Heather nodded, recognizing the truth in those words, but unable to repress the ever-present shame that came with the choices she had made.
“Have you talked to Mitch at all since...”
“Since the divorce?” She shook her head. “No. Once everything was over, I told him that I didn’t want to have anything more to do with him. It’s been a relief not seeing him.”
That was so true, in spite of the other actuality of the divorce. The fact that Mitch had cleaned out the bank account she had so painstakingly built up. The thought could still send shame blasting through her, hot, destructive and pointless.
It also had her sitting at the computer checking out other jobs online, sending her résumé to whoever would accept electronic submissions.
“Well, he was a louse,” Keira said, her eyes narrowing. “And there’s no humiliation in being divorced from someone like him.”
Her shame had deeper facets, Heather thought, but she just stepped back and gave her sister a tight smile. “I’ve missed you so much,” she admitted, holding Keira’s soft green eyes.
“I missed you, too,” Keira returned.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t the best sister to you,” Heather added soberly. “You’ve had your own sorrows and struggles.”
Keira’s gentle look acknowledged the sympathy. “It was hard, but I have Tanner and he’s been my rock. God has also been my refuge and strength. I feel as if I’ve been surrounded and supported.”
Heather felt a twinge of jealousy. “I’m glad for you. I wish I could share your faith in God.”
“He’s always there,” Keira said quietly. “He hasn’t moved.”
Heather wasn’t so sure about that, but wasn’t going to get into a theological discussion about God with her sister. Especially when she seemed to be able to draw strength from him.
The jingle of Adana’s bell caught their attention. The little girl looked over at them with a grin, as if seeking a reaction. Then she fell down on her bottom and let out an indignant cry. Sugar whined, as if pleading with them to fix something he could do nothing about.
“I’ll get her,” Keira said, walking away from the workbench. Heather sighed as she watched her sister pick up the little girl. Keira seemed so natural with her.
Then Adana reached out to Heather, as she had been doing since their first meeting. The bell she was holding jingled lightly. “You hold me, pwease,” she said, her meaning clear.
“I don’t know why she’s so stuck on me,” Heather said, taking her.
Keira shrugged. “Maybe she knows you need to be around her to get over your own sadness.”
Heather held Adana, feeling her warmth seep through her vest and shirt, her heart hitching again at having the little girl in her arms. “Like that therapy they do, when you’re afraid of something and you’re constantly exposed to it until you get used to it?”
Keira smiled. “Sometimes we need to face our fear in order to conquer it.”
Heather guessed she was referring to the shadows in her own life. The shame of being assaulted by Tanner’s brother years ago, and how she’d kept it to herself for so long.
“You would know,” she said quietly.
“I’m guessing there are still things in your life that you don’t want to talk about,” Keira said, folding her arms over her chest. “And I’m not going to push you on that. The one thing I realized from my own life is that you can’t face the past until you feel like you’re in a safe place. And you are in a safe place now. You always said that for you, the ranch lived up to its name. That it was a true refuge.”
“It was and it is,” Heather said. “This is home.”
“And how has it been seeing John again?” Keira prompted.
Heather weighed the question, trying to sort out the unwelcome emotions John evoked.
“He’s part of the past I don’t necessarily need to face, but do want to leave behind,” she finally said. “He was married to an amazing woman and has a kid, and that’s the end of that. John and I have both moved on.”
Heather wished she could have delivered her speech with more conviction, but her reaction to John belied any protestation she could make.
The skeptical look on her sister’s face showed Heather she needed to work on that. Because there was no way she was going to allow herself to be so vulnerable again.
She had spent too much time there and it wasn’t happening anymore.
* * *
Don’t brush your hair. Just wash up and go into the dining room.
John cast a critical glance at his reflection in the mirror as he dried his hands on the towel on the bathroom counter at the Bannisters’ ranch house. His hair was dented from his cowboy hat and it stuck up in the back.
Heather would just have to take him as he was, he thought as he hung the towel up and walked out of the bathroom.
As he went past the porch and into the kitchen, he wished he had insisted that he and Adana have lunch in their own house, as he had the past couple days.
Yesterday he and Monty had been busy until suppertime fixing fences, getting ready for today. But he’d picked up Adana and taken her to the Grill and Chill in town, using a need to visit Gord, the owner, as a reason for not joining the Bannisters when he was invited.
This morning he’d brought Adana over right after breakfast and made sure that he’d scooted out of there fast, using the cows as the perfect excuse. But he didn’t have to rush. Monty had gone to Great Falls for the part for the hay bind. He had told John to wait on moving the cows until he came back, but John needed to keep busy and out of the house, so