Dawdi Zeke your father?” she asked.
Naomi nodded. “He is kind, yet firm in his convictions. He’s lived a long, happy life. Jakob is just like him, although you wouldn’t know it lately. He’s still hurting over losing his wife. But one day, he will realize that Gott wants him to keep going and to be happy. That he cannot live in the past.”
Abby agreed, yet she realized how difficult it must be for Jakob. He’d lost two vital people he loved very much, and she envied that love. How she wished someone in the world loved her the way Jakob loved Susan. Abby was so traumatized by her life in Ohio that she was desperate to leave it behind, yet Jakob wanted to cling to the past. She realized neither mind-set was healthy, but she had no idea how to overcome the problem.
“Now, tell me about Ohio and our old home. Who has married recently and who has had new babies? Tell me all the news.” Naomi stood and walked to the kitchen sink.
Abby willingly complied, drying the dishes while Naomi washed. They laughed and chatted as they worked, soon having the room cleaned up and plans made for tomorrow’s meals. That didn’t diminish the worries in Abby’s mind. She was a stranger in a new home. She’d come here to get married, but surely things had worked out for the best. The Lord knew of her needs and would care for her. She must have faith. Jakob had let her stay, and she didn’t dare ask for more. So why did she feel an unexplainable sense of disappointment deep inside her heart?
* * *
The air smelled of a combination of cattle and clean straw. The horses were inside their stalls, blissfully munching on hay. The sun had all but faded in the western sky, highlighting the fields with shadows of dark purple and gray. Jakob lit a kerosene lamp and set it on the railing. He loved this late time of day, when he’d almost finished his work and could go inside and read or talk with his familye before the fireplace. But lately, he found no peace of mind.
Sitting on a three-legged stool, he set a clean bucket beneath one of their three cows.
“Abby is a sweet young woman, don’t you agree?” Dawdi Zeke asked.
Jakob paused in his milking and glanced over at his grandfather. It was a good thing that Reuben and Ruby were outside feeding the pigs. It might have been a mistake, but he’d told Dawdi about his father’s letters to Abby and that he had refused to marry her.
“She is a nice enough person I suppose,” he said.
Dawdi leaned against the side of the cow he was milking. He sat at a hunched angle, indicating his arthritis was bothering him again. His bucket was almost filled with frothy white milk or Jakob might have tried to get him to go inside. He gave his fragile grandfather as few chores to do as possible. The familye couldn’t stand to lose anyone else right now.
“Susan was a sweet woman, too,” Dawdi said. “It was a shame to lose her. But it’s been over a year and it’s time for you to live again. If you open your heart to love, you will find more joy than you ever thought possible.”
Open his heart to love? Jakob didn’t know how anymore. Even if he could do it, he didn’t want to try. When he’d married Susan, he’d locked his heart to all others. What if he loved another woman and lost her, too? He couldn’t stand to go through that pain a second time, nor did he want to put his children through it again.
“I’ll never love anyone the way I loved Susan,” he said.
“True. Susan was unique and you loved her for who she was. But Abby is unique, too. She’ll bring some man a lot of happiness. If you decide not to love again, then that’s the way it’ll be. But it doesn’t have to be like that. It’s your choice.”
“It wasn’t my choice when Susan died. I can’t tell my heart what to feel or who to love,” Jakob said.
How could he tell his heart to stop loving Susan and start loving another woman? He couldn’t shut it off and on. It wasn’t possible.
“Ja, you can. All you have to do is stop being angry at Gott and start living in the present instead of the past. Look for ways to feel joy and you’ll find it.” With a final nod, Dawdi stood slowly and carried his bucket out of the milking room. He set the container on top of the rough-hewn counter. When he turned, he staggered but caught himself against a beam of timber.
“Dawdi! Are you all right?” Jakob stood so fast that he almost kicked his bucket over. A dollop of frothy white milk sloshed over the pail.
“I’m all right.” Dawdi Zeke held up a hand to reassure him.
Jakob was still worried. With his father passing away so recently, they were shorthanded. To take up the slack, Dawdi Zeke had been overdoing, but he would never complain. Jakob would make a point of doing the milking earlier for a few days, to give his grandfather a rest.
He glanced at the buckets, mentally calculating how many gallons of milk they would have tonight. He knew Mamm would separate the cream later, to make butter and other tasty fillings for the pastries she sold at the bakery in town. During the past few years of drought, the extra income she brought in had been a blessing. With Abby’s help, they should be able to increase their production.
Jakob lowered his head and continued with his task. Yes, Abby was a sweet person from what he could tell, but that didn’t mean he wanted to marry and spend the rest of his life with her.
It would do no good to tell Dawdi that he wasn’t angry with Gott, because he was. Very angry. Yes, he loved the Lord with all his heart, but why had He taken Susan and Daed away when the familye still needed them so badly?
Dawdi leaned against the doorway. “Your vadder was wrong to bring Abby here without your approval, but I believe he had your best interests in mind. No doubt he intended to speak with you about it, but he never got the chance. I hope you won’t feel too harshly toward him.”
Jakob didn’t respond, wishing they could talk about something else. He had loved and respected his father, but he had no idea what the man’s intentions had been. Jakob was no longer a young lad. He was a grown man with kinder of his own, and he had earned the right to choose whom he did and did not marry. His father had been out of line to make promises of marriage to Abby without asking him about it first.
“What are you going to do about Abby?” Dawdi pressed.
Jakob resisted the urge to look up from his milking. “Nothing. We will let her work and live here as long as she wants. I’m not inclined to send her back to her familye if she doesn’t want to go.”
He told his grandfather about his altercation with Simon all those years ago when they had been teenage boys. He didn’t want to send her back to a life of abuse.
Dawdi grunted. “Her daed was no better. I knew him well when we still lived in Ohio. A cruel man, for sure. Everyone in the district knew he beat his horses, wife and kids. Some even believe he was responsible for his wife’s death. His abuse was a constant point of contention in his home. The bishop and deacon spoke to him about it many times, but he never changed. The Lord taught us that loving persuasion is the way for us to lead our households. Otherwise, your familye learns to hate and fear you. And that’s not the way for any man to be.”
“I agree with you,” Jakob said.
Many Amish spanked their kinder, but not Jakob. No matter how disobedient, he could never bring himself to beat his wife or children if they chose not to do as he asked. They were too precious to him, and he didn’t want to become their enemy. But Reuben was getting out of control. Maybe a spanking was what he needed right now.
Dawdi made a tsking sound. “Ach, it’s just as well that it didn’t work out between you and Abby. But no matter. One of the other young men in our district will surely want to marry her. She’s beautiful, young and filled with faith. I doubt she’ll be living with us for very long.”
With