Lord had led him full circle. He was back at the same crossroads. Stay or go? Which would be best for his family? Their unwavering support and love had given his life new meaning, but did he belong here?
If only he could be sure he wouldn’t fail them again.
At noon, his mother prepared a light meal, and afterward Luke walked down to the riverbank behind the house. The water was frozen a few feet out from the shore, but it was open in a winding path down the center of the river. A flock of mallard ducks flew up from the open water, circled and landed farther downstream, quacking their displeasure at being disturbed. He tossed a stick into the water and watched it drift away.
“What is troubling you, brudder?”
He recognized Joshua’s voice and turned to see all four of his brothers walking down to join him. “I’m not troubled.”
Joshua stopped a few feet away and folded his arms. “I’ve heard that before. I didn’t buy it then and I’m not buying it now.”
“What gives?” Noah asked. At twenty, he was the youngest of the Bowman sons and the least Amish looking with his short brown hair, English clothes and blue ball cap. He was taking advantage of his rumspringa to enjoy some non-Amish activities, but Luke knew Noah had every intention of joining the faith in a few years.
“Are you thinking of leaving us again?” Trust Samuel to get straight to the point.
“We all want you to stay,” Timothy added quietly. “I hope you know that.”
Luke nodded, unable to speak until he swallowed the lump in his throat. “I know you want me here.”
Samuel laid a hand on Luke’s shoulder. “But?”
“But I wish I knew for certain that I could stay.”
Joshua tipped his hat back. “Luke, no one but you can make that decision. Why do you think you should leave?”
Joshua had believed he could convince Luke to return to the family. He had tracked Luke down and found him selling drugs to support his habit. Shame and guilt kept Luke from accepting Joshua’s help. Unfortunately, they both were swept up in a drug raid, and his innocent brother had been sent to prison, too. Amazingly, Joshua didn’t harbor any ill will toward him.
Luke stared at the ground. “I should leave because I’m a drug addict and a convict. How many Amish fellows can say that?”
“Ex-addict. Ex-convict,” Samuel said sternly.
Luke glanced at him. “Am I? Therein lies my dilemma. I’m not using drugs now. I don’t want to go back to prison, and failing a drug test would put me there in a heartbeat. I’m straight now, but once prison isn’t hanging over my head, will I give in and start using again?”
Samuel shook him by the shoulders. “You won’t.”
Luke pulled away from his brother. “You don’t know that because I don’t know that.”
The fear of falling back into that life hovered over him every day. He wasn’t strong. He’d failed before. He could fail again. Why was he so different from his siblings? Looking into their faces, he knew they didn’t understand his fears. How could they? They were all so sure of their place in life.
Forcing a smile, he hooked a thumb toward the house. “Why don’t I beat you at a game of checkers, Samuel? That always makes me feel better.”
Noah shoved his hands in the pockets of his jacket. “Daed has already challenged him. You’ll have to wait and play the winner.”
“Go on, then. I’ll be up in a minute.”
His brothers walked reluctantly up the hill. He threw one more stick in the water and followed. As he entered the back garden gate, he saw Joshua’s wife, Mary, sitting on a bench. She had her eyes closed and her face raised to the afternoon sun. Several of the gourd birdhouses he had painted added color to the winter landscape. “I know how you’re feeling, Luke.”
“I doubt that.” He took a seat beside her.
“You feel lost. Others seem to know exactly what they want out of life and you still don’t know what you’re seeking. For two cents, you’d put a boat on the river, get in it and drift away until you reached the sea or sank.” She opened her eyes and looked at him. “Am I close?”
“Amazingly so.”
“I was like you before I had Hannah.”
Luke knew some of her story. Mary had left the Amish as a young girl, ended up with a man who used and then abandoned her when he found out she was pregnant. Alone and on the streets, she was taken in by a drug dealer named Dunbar, who planned to sell her baby when it was born. She gave birth alone and managed to hide Hannah from him in an Amish buggy, leaving a note with her child that she would come back for her.
What she hadn’t known was the buggy belonged to two teenage Amish boys who panicked when they discovered the baby. They left her on the doorstep of the nearest Amish farm. It was only thanks to Miriam Kauffman, an ex-Amish nurse, and Sheriff Nick Bradley that Mary was eventually reunited with her baby, and the drug dealer was sent to prison. Nick and Miriam married and adopted Mary. When Hannah was five, Joshua rescued the mother and child during a tornado and soon fell in love with them both. Once again, it had been Luke’s weakness that almost ruined everything for them.
“You are a stronger person than I am, Mary. You’ve seen how weak I can be. You suffered because of it.”
“God gave me someone to make me strong. He gave me Hannah. He will give you the strength you need if you trust Him.”
“I don’t know that I believe that. I have the feeling that I’m out here on my own. I think He’s washed His hands of me. I don’t know why you haven’t.”
“Because Joshua loves you.”
“I don’t understand that, either. He tried to help me and I pulled him down with me. He spent time in prison because of me. I gave the man who hated you information about you in exchange for drugs when I was in prison.”
“You didn’t know Kevin Dunbar’s intentions. He used you.”
“He kidnapped Hannah and could have killed her because of me.”
“God, in His great mercy, spared my child. You told the authorities where Dunbar was going once you knew what had happened. Nick got my little girl back because of your help. You were part of God’s plan all along, Luke. Don’t doubt that.”
“I’d feel better about being part of the solution if I hadn’t caused the problem. I don’t deserve another chance to mess up someone’s life.” If he stayed, it would happen. To Mary or to Hannah or God forbid to Emma. He would fail them when they needed him most. In his heart of hearts, he knew it.
Mary sighed softly. “I’ve never told anyone in the family this other than my husband, but I tried to kill myself when I lost Hannah the first time. It was hard to believe God could forgive me for such an act. The truth is God forgave me long before I made that terrible decision. He sent His only Son to die on a cross to save me from my sin. God forgives all of us. I was the one who couldn’t forgive myself until I realized that God had sent Joshua to love me in spite of everything. Your sins will be forgiven if you accept the truth of our Savior’s sacrifice for you, Luke. Until you accept that and forgive yourself, you won’t find happiness here or anywhere.”
“It’s easier said than done, Mary.”
“You’re right. It is. But it’s possible. Now let’s go in. I’m getting cold and your mother was making some hot cocoa.” She rose to her feet.
Luke stared at her in amazement. “I hope my brother knows how blessed he is to have found a woman like you, Mary.”
She grinned. “I tell him often, so he’s not likely to forget.”
Luke chuckled. He could hear Emma saying something