had to explain to Javi why Santa hadn’t come that year. Or the next.
“Well, now. That’s a sad enough thing.”
“We have each other. Plus, Javi’s never known anything different.”
“Christmas used to be Jesse’s favorite holiday.”
They smiled faintly at each other. “I remember.”
“Guess we haven’t done much celebrating here, either, not since...” Sadness weighed down Joy’s friendly face, making her seem older and less present somehow. It was like looking at a hologram. Sofia’s heart went out to her.
“Anyway,” Joy said, straightening, brisk. “Here I am thinking of myself, when you’ve only just learned about Jesse. I wish you hadn’t had to find out this way.”
“Yes.”
“Where did you and Jesse meet?”
Sofia glanced at the shut door and lowered her voice. Her heart pounded. How she hated dredging up this old stuff, but she couldn’t deny another mother details about her son. “At the Alano House.”
“Six years ago.”
“Yes.”
Joy’s chest rose and fell with the force of her sigh. “Jesse couldn’t stay sober. And Lord, but I couldn’t help him, either. He lived to assist others but couldn’t take care of himself.”
“He was good with Javi.”
Joy’s face brightened. “He always loved kids. We used to joke that moms had to watch out, or Jesse would steal their children. He’d carry off any old baby he could get his hands on without even checking if it was okay with the parent, when he was sober, of course. When he wasn’t...”
Sofia winced, remembering a strung-out Jesse pacing her apartment, hands over his ears as Javi had screamed and shrieked. “Yes.”
“How did you two break up? It’s hard thinking Jesse left his own child and then didn’t even tell us about Javi all these years.”
Sofia struggled to keep the hurt off her face. She wouldn’t run down a son to his own mother. “I told him not to contact me unless he was sober. He was probably waiting to get clean.”
She ran a mop over the floor, careful not to dampen Joy’s rose-pink heels. Given she wore a beaded necklace in the same color, along with a headband in an identical shade, Joy had a color story going on that Sofia didn’t want to mess with. Especially now that the kind woman had lost hours’ worth of work literally down the drain.
“And it never happened...not long enough for him to be sure of his sobriety, I’m guessing.” Joy dabbed at her eyes, not placing blame as Sofia had feared, her acceptance filling Sofia with unexpected warmth.
“How’s your wrist?” she asked to break the emotionally fraught moment.
“Getting worse.” Joy’s elbows jerked as she scrubbed the pot. White, frothy water bubbled over the metal sides. Sofia stowed the mop and grabbed a dish towel, its pattern a mirror image of the rugs scattered around the room. “The steroid shots aren’t working on my rheumatoid arthritis. Dr. Billings says I need to stop postponing surgery.”
Joy’s glasses slipped down her nose, and Sofia pushed them back up. They exchanged a quick smile. For a moment, Sofia imagined what it’d be like to have a mother like Joy. Or a mother at all, given hers had died in childbirth.
Her father must have blamed her for the loss, she’d often thought during those awful and numerous times when she was consumed with guilt. It explained his constant anger and dismissal. No matter what Sofia did, it was never good enough to make up for his beloved wife.
While she didn’t know what it felt like to be a loved daughter, she’d always be the best mother possible to Javi. Everything she’d missed, she gave. Tenfold.
Sofia grabbed the rinsed pot and began drying it. “What’s stopping you from getting the procedure?”
Joy shrugged. “I’d be out of commission for four to six weeks, depending on how fast I heal. Who would look after the family?”
Concern for kindhearted Joy rocketed through Sofia. “Your kids?”
“The ranch takes up all their time.”
“A relative could step in maybe?”
“My husband and I were both only children. Our parents have passed. But not to worry, dear. I’ll get by. I always have. Unless...”
“Unless...?”
“There’s any chance you might be willing to help out,” Joy said, offhandedly, though a light now filled her eyes, an undeniable wish, easy to read, that she wanted them to stay.
Sofia froze.
“If you could spare the time,” Joy babbled on in the awkward silence, her glasses slightly foggy around the edges. “I’d insist on compensating you. You could save up for Portland. Though I don’t mean to pressure.”
“Thank you, but...”
Here was Sofia’s chance to explain why she couldn’t say yes...to confess her secret fears. Yet she hesitated. She didn’t want Joy to see her as weak. A potentially bad parent.
How she wished Javi could be part of a real family for the first time in his life. And have guaranteed meals. A warm house. A bed of his own to sleep in over the holidays. Even if the Cades didn’t celebrate them any longer, it’d be a step up from anything she and Javi ever experienced.
All pros.
But the con? She’d have to live with the constant drumbeat of her past failings. Plus, what if the Portland job lead dried up? The position, a receptionist post held by a pregnant doctor’s wife, needed to be filled soon. Although they were flexible on the start date, according to Sofia’s friend Mary, and were willing to wait for Sofia, as they were happy to help a struggling single mother, she couldn’t impose on their patience forever. At the very least, she’d need to call them with an updated arrival date and hope they didn’t see her as unreliable and change their minds.
“But I don’t...”
The back door flung open and Javi skidded through it, accompanied by a frigid gust. “Guess what I found!”
“What, honey?”
“This!” Javi held up a stocking nearly as big as he was. Red glitter emblazoned the letter J across the top.
“Where did you find that?” Joy asked, her voice faint.
“It was by the trash. Can I keep it, Mama? It’s so big. Maybe Santa will see it, and he won’t forget me this year.”
“Oh. Honey.”
“Of course Santa won’t forget you.”
“He doesn’t come for kids who don’t have houses. Will we have one in Portland?”
Joy placed a hand over her heart.
Sofia thought of the struggle they’d have getting started in that new city, especially if she didn’t have their IDs or cash. Javi would go another holiday without.
She took a deep breath and turned over her options. Perhaps, in the short term, she could put aside her insecurities to help a deserving woman and give Javi a real Christmas with family.
“We can stay, but only for a month and maybe an extra week or two, at most,” she hedged, looking at Joy.
“Thank you!” She threw her arms around Sofia and tears sprang to her eyes. Javi whooped and raced around their legs.
She returned Joy’s hug, breathing in the light floral scent that rose from her neck, overwhelmed at the rush of emotion and the sense of rightness. If only this could be forever.
Shutting down her own pity party