me?’ Mark laughs. ‘Aren’t we the big man now we’ve grown a few muscles? Steroids making you brave, are they, son?’
I stare at Jake in horror. ‘You’re not taking steroids, are you?’
‘Dad doesn’t know what he’s talking about.’
‘One more word from you,’ Mark says, ‘and you’re out.’
‘Please!’ I say. ‘Please! Please stop! Mark, he’s your son! He’s your son.’
A tense silence fills the room, punctuated only by the sound of my own raggedy breathing. I brace myself for round two. Instead Mark’s shoulders slump and he exhales heavily.
‘Always the villain,’ he says, looking from me to Jake. ‘I’m always the villain.’
I want to say something. I want to contradict him. To support him. But to do so would mean choosing between my husband and my son. It’s like the night Billy disappeared all over again. My family is disintegrating in front of my eyes and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.
‘Mum,’ Jake says as the back door slams shut and Mark leaves the house. ‘I can explain.’
‘Later.’ My throat is so tight I can barely speak. ‘I’ll talk to you later.’
‘Here you go.’ Liz places a steaming mug of tea on the table in front of me, then pulls out a chair and sits down. A split second later she stands up again, crosses the kitchen and rummages around in the back of a cupboard bursting with tins, jars and packets of pasta and rice. It’s the day after the appeal. I was going to pop in on Liz yesterday but, after everything that happened, I didn’t have the energy.
‘Ah! Knew I had some.’ She brandishes a 100-gram bar of Galaxy at me and returns to the table. ‘Hidden from Caleb and for emergencies only,’ she says as she sets it in front of me. ‘And days when I decide to skip Slimming World.’
‘I’m not hungry.’
‘Mind if I do then?’ She runs a nail along the gold wrapper and snaps off four pieces. She bites into the chocolate, takes a swig of tea, then smiles broadly. ‘That’s better. Caleb was in a pig of a mood this morning, whingeing about the lack of clean socks in his drawer. Hellooooo, we both work and you’re twenty. Wash your own bloody socks. I thought he’d make more of an effort with his personal hygiene now he’s met someone. Did I tell you about the new boyfriend?’
I shake my head.
‘He met him in a pub in Old Market. Eighteen, works in House of Fraser. I haven’t met him yet. Caleb said he doesn’t want to scare him off by introducing him to me. Cheeky shit. Anyway, sorry.’ She leans back in her chair and folds her arms across her chest. ‘How are you? I meant to watch the appeal but next door’s cat got into the garden again. It was primed to take a shit on the lawn so I chucked some water at it. I thought I’d pop in after you got back but I spotted Mark storming out the back door looking really pissed off and figured it wasn’t the best time.’
That’s the thing I love about Liz; Billy’s disappearance hasn’t changed our friendship in the slightest. Whilst everyone else awkwardly avoids the subject or cross-examines me about the latest developments Liz is just Liz. You crave normality after something terrible happens. Everything reminds you of what you’ve lost – everything – and sometimes you just want to stop thinking about it. I love hearing Liz bitch about Lloyd. I enjoy her little rants about her son Caleb or Elaine, her boss at the supermarket where she works.
Mark compartmentalizes his life. He has the ‘boxes’ in his head he escapes into. I don’t. But at least I have Liz.
‘So how was it?’ she asks.
‘Awful.’
I tell her about Kira screaming, the booze, the cut foot, Jake’s interruption and the argument when we all got home.
‘I’m just so tired,’ I say as she swipes a box of tissues from the windowsill and pushes them towards me. ‘I just want Billy to come home and for this to be over. I miss him, Liz. I miss him so much.’
‘I know,’ she says. ‘I know you do.’
I pull a tissue from the box and dab at my cheeks. I hate that my default emotional reaction is crying. I wish I could shout and scream or punch something instead.
‘Sorry,’ I say.
‘For what? If you can’t snot all over your best friend’s kitchen where can you?’
I try not to cry in front of Mark and Jake because I don’t want them to worry about me but it’s different with Liz. Her kitchen is a safe haven. We’ve known each other since Liz and Lloyd moved next door when the boys were little. They’d play in the back garden while Liz and I would sit on deckchairs and chat. It was a tentative friendship at first, as we sussed each other out, but it wasn’t long before we started taking it in turns to do the school run and the odd bit of babysitting. The first time we went out for drinks we got so drunk we stopped being polite and properly opened up. We were both in tears by the end of the night. Since then we’ve been there for each other through everything – Lloyd walking out on Liz last year, my father-in-law’s heart attack and now Billy.
‘What you going to do now then?’ she asks, snapping off another piece of Galaxy and popping it into her mouth.
‘I need to get Mark and Jake in the same room as each other so they can sort out their differences.’
‘Claire …’ Liz reaches across the table and puts her hand over mine. ‘I’m only saying this because I love you but maybe you should let them sort it out in their own time. You’re going to make yourself poorly if you don’t let go.’
‘Let go of what?’
‘Of them. You’re not responsible for everyone else’s happiness, sweetheart.’
‘None of us are happy.’
‘Least of all you.’ She gives me a searching look. ‘Mark and Jake are going to butt heads from time to time – you need to accept that.’
‘They’ll kill each other if I don’t intervene.’
‘They won’t.’
‘Jake will move out.’
She makes a soft, sighing sound. ‘Would that be the worst thing in the world? He’s nineteen years old. He makes a good living as an electrician. He could afford a one-bedroom flat.’
‘What about Kira?’
‘There’d be enough space for her too. They pretty much spend all their time in his bedroom as it is from what you’ve said. And they’d have more space.’
‘But the house would be so empty without them. And besides, I want everything to be exactly the same as it was when Billy left. That way we can just go back to normal when he returns.’
My best friend gives me a long, searching look. She wants to comment but something is holding her back.
‘What is it?’
She shakes her head. ‘Doesn’t matter.’
‘Yes, it does. What were you going to say?’
‘I just think …’ She looks away and rubs her fingers over her lips. I’ve never seen her look this uncomfortable before. ‘I just think that maybe you’re putting your life on hold for something that might not happen. I think you should … prepare yourself for bad news. It’s been six months, Claire.’
I stand up abruptly. ‘I think I should go.’
‘Oh God.’ Liz stands up too. ‘I shouldn’t