sure, they are red-rimmed and puffy, as I’ve tried and failed to stop the tears that seem to leak in a constant stream, every time my thoughts turn to the previous evening. ‘Where have you been?’
‘I went for a drink. With Neil.’ He shuffles past Thor’s sleeping body and slips onto to the couch beside me. ‘I needed to get out for a bit … I had a lot to think about, you know?’ He takes a deep breath in, before he speaks again. ‘I’m sorry for how I reacted earlier.’
I lean down to stroke the dog, using him as the perfect excuse not to look at Gareth, just for a moment. I don’t know what to say in response, so I don’t say anything, not yet. Gareth fumbles for my hand, pulling it away from Thor and tucking it into his lap.
‘I spoke to Neil … asked him about last night. He told me that you stayed in their spare room. On your own.’ So, he can believe Neil, but not me. I squash the thought down, pushing it away to deal with it later. ‘So … I’m sorry. It’s just hard, you know? After everything that’s happened this year.’ He huffs a tiny puff of laughter, and I think I see a tear shining in the corner of his eye. ‘Last year. You know what I mean. After all the stuff with Ted, and us … I’m just finding it hard to trust you, and when you didn’t come home …’
‘Gareth, I need to tell you something.’ I talk over his words, not wanting to hear how he doesn’t believe me, not when I am about to tell him something that I desperately need him to believe, that I desperately need him to listen to, without questioning whether I’m being honest or not. ‘It’s important, I need you to listen to me.’
He stops talking and frowns at me, his hand tightening on mine, a warm comfortable squeeze that reminds me of the way he used to hold my hand, before we were married.
‘Gareth, last night … something happened. I think …’ I pause, my throat thickening so much that for a moment I struggle to get a breath and the sharp, bitter taste of panic floods my mouth. ‘I think someone raped me.’
As soon as I say the words hysteria washes over me, and I want to laugh at Gareth’s reaction. His mouth drops open and the blood drains from his face, leaving his skin pale and washed out.
‘What?’ He manages to force the words out, and as the hysteria leaves me I find that I am crying again. ‘Rachel … what do you mean? Someone … Jesus. Are you sure?’ Dropping my hand, he gets to his feet and starts pacing the living room floor, shoving his hand repeatedly through his hair. Thor squeaks indignantly as Gareth trips over his back half, before scuttling over to his basket to stay out of the way. I stand, drawing my dressing gown tightly around me until it digs into my waist, and step into the middle of the rug, hoping to stop Gareth’s frantic pacing. As he reaches me, I grab both of his hands in mine, pressing my palms against his skin.
‘No, I’m not sure. I think so. I don’t … Gareth, please listen to me.’
‘What happened, Rachel? Is this why you didn’t come home? Who did this to you?’
I shake my head, trying to deflect the torrent of questions. ‘I don’t know.’
‘You don’t know? Oh, Rach.’ Gareth pulls me towards him, wrapping his arms around me and I wince, aware that my wrists are sore too, I just didn’t realize earlier thanks to the heavier bruising on my upper arms. Tired, I rest my cheek against his chest for a moment, letting him hold me, before I look up at him. He smooths the hair away from my face. ‘What do you mean you don’t know? How can you not know? I don’t understand.’
I pull away, rubbing at my wrists and sit back down on the couch, my legs feeling strangely jelly-like.
‘I just … don’t know. I don’t remember. I remember getting to the party, Liz opening the door. Maybe having a glass of red wine?’ I look up at him and he gives a small nod, his face pale and his mouth pinched into a tight line. ‘Then I woke up in the spare room at the Greenes’ house, feeling like shit. Like, the worst hangover I’ve ever had. I don’t even know how I got home this morning, I felt so awful.’ I choke back a sob at the memory of coming to in Liz’s spare room.
‘But you think someone raped you?’ He kneels in front of me, the scent of stale beer on his breath wafting up as he speaks, making me feel sick. I smell a faint whiff of smoke on him, and know that he’s smoked a sneaky cigar with Neil.
‘Yes. My … I hurt. My thighs, at the top and … inside.’ Taking a deep breath, I slide the dressing gown off my shoulders to reveal the bruising at the top of my arms, the delicate skin underneath so purple, it’s almost black. ‘And I wouldn’t have done that to you, Gareth, not willingly, not after all we’ve been through.’
‘Fucking hell, Rachel.’ His gaze sliding away from my bruises, Gareth breathes out hard through his nose and I see the skin across his knuckles whiten as he clenches his fists. ‘And you have no idea who did this? No memory of it at all?’
I shake my head, fat drops hitting my knees and leaving wide, dark patches on the fabric of the dressing gown.
‘Nothing. It’s just black, like it’s been wiped from my brain. A black hole. I’ve tried and tried to think, to remember anything about the party, anyone that might have done this but I don’t know. I don’t know anything.’ I can barely swallow, my throat is so thick with tears and I am powerless to stop them from pouring down my cheeks, scalding as they drip from the end of my chin.
‘Oh God, Rachel, come here.’ Gareth pulls me to my feet and into his chest again, his arms tightening around me. The crush of his chest against mine takes my breath away, and for a moment I enjoy the sensation of not being able to draw breath. ‘I’m sorry,’ he whispers, ‘I’m so fucking sorry that I left you there alone, I’m sorry that I wasn’t there to protect you. I should have stayed. I shouldn’t have left you there on your own. I should have made you leave with me.’
‘It’s not your fault,’ I mutter into his chest, despite feeling that maybe, just maybe, it wouldn’t have happened if he hadn’t left me there, if I hadn’t been so stubborn, apparently, about staying. ‘I don’t know what to do, Gareth. I don’t know how to deal with this.’ Fear rises up and I pull away slightly, fighting to catch my breath, black spots dancing at the corner of my vision, panic making my heart beat frantically in my chest like a caged bird.
‘We’re going to the police,’ his voice is firm, ‘and we’re going to let them catch the bastard that did this.’
I stare blankly out of the car window, as the rain that hasn’t stopped since yesterday evening lashes against the glass. Every now and again Gareth reaches over from the driving seat to pat my knee or squeeze my hand but I don’t give him any response. I feel numb, unable to return his gestures, just wanting to get the whole thing over and done with. Last night, when he said he wanted to call the police, I felt my breath freeze in my lungs, the thought of having to tell people – people who aren’t Gareth, people who have no idea who I really am – what actually happened, making panic swarm in my belly like a thousand angry bees.
‘No, I can’t,’ I’d said, backing away from him and tying the dressing gown cord so tightly that I felt it cut into my waist.
‘Rachel, you have to, you can’t let whoever did this get away with it.’ He’d reached for me, but I had flinched from him and he’d stared at me, hurt and confused. ‘I’m going to call them, they need to know.’
‘No, Gareth, please, I don’t want them to know … I can’t …’ The words died in my throat as he reached for the phone and I shoved past him, headed for the safety of the bedroom. He hadn’t phoned them, not then, but this morning when I woke up from a fitful sleep he was standing over me, phone in hand, ready to make the call. Now, I find myself sullen and angry, slumped in the passenger seat on the way to meet a police officer at the Kingsnorth rape suite.
‘We’re here.’ Gareth rests his hand gently on mine, before switching the ignition off and I ignore