to be left the hell alone.
He cleared his throat, knowing he needed to say something before he lost his chance and she walked from the barn and out of his life again for good. He’d already pushed her away once, and he didn’t need another black mark on his conscience.
“Sarah,” he started, running a hand through his longer than usual hair.
She stopped and turned to him, her face tilted up to look him in the eye. Next to him she seemed tiny, fragile. In reality she was tall and willowy, but in flat boots she seemed much shorter than he remembered.
“I, well, I’m not myself right now, Sarah. I didn’t mean to snap at you before, but I can’t deal with any of this. Okay?” Nate knew it was a terrible apology, but it was the best he could come up with right now.
“I know you’re hurting, Nate,” she responded, closing the distance between them to touch his arm, to tighten her fingers against his skin.
He looked into her eyes, into deep amber eyes that had haunted him for years … in his sleep, while he was awake, when he had nothing else to do but think about what he’d left behind in his determination to fight for a greater cause, to serve his country in the absolute best way he could.
If only it was someone as sweet as Sarah who haunted his nights now. No longer dreams, but nightmares that relentlessly kept him awake night after long night.
“Nate?” Sarah was still touching him, her grip heating his skin.
He untangled himself. He had no other choice. Sarah touching him was too real; he didn’t want to feel human again, preferred the dull deadness he’d become used to. He didn’t want to acknowledge how kind she was being to him when he knew how badly he must have hurt her.
“I’m here for you, Nate. If you want to talk, if you need anything, don’t be a stranger.”
Sarah’s eyes were kind, the smile kicking up her lips so pure that he wished he had the guts to grab hold of her and not let her go. To fold her slender body against his and cradle her, to remember what they used to have, the man he used to be. To make him feel less like damaged goods and more like a human being again.
“Thanks,” he managed, his voice a husky octave lower than usual.
Sarah’s fingers skipped across his upper arm and she left, walked from the barn leading her young mare, ready to turn her out in the field again.
Nate stared after her until she disappeared, eyes caught by the softness of her silhouette. Slim-fitting T-shirt, worn jeans that she obviously found comfortable to ride in and that darn dog sticking close to her like he viewed Nate as an imminent danger.
Would she still use her maiden name? Nate forced the question from his mind, trying to refocus on the horse he was supposed to be brushing down.
So she was single again? What difference did it make to him? Nate had made a choice six years ago, and as far as he could tell, there was no going back from that.
Not now and not ever.
Sarah pulled out a chair from the table and dragged it across the room. She stood on it, rummaged around in the high cupboard and yanked out what she’d known to be hidden there.
She shouldn’t be looking at it, not after all these years, but seeing Nate had brought back a flood of memories that she couldn’t help but want to revisit. When she was married to Todd, she’d done her best to put the past behind her, but now …
Sarah smiled as she flicked to the first page. Hearts doodled in pink pen, Nate’s name written in curly letters that she’d thought were fancy at the time. There were pictures of them on the ranch and hanging out with friends, notes he’d written her back when they’d been in class. She’d kept them all, even after she’d married Todd and they’d moved in together, when she’d known they should have been forgotten about.
She turned to the last page, needing to wipe the smile off her face by reminding herself why they’d broken up.
Nate had looked so handsome that day, dressed in his uniform, cheeky smile on his face as he’d turned toward the camera.
They’d made promises the day he’d left to each other, promised that they’d find a way to stay together no matter what. She’d never wanted to hold him back, but then he’d always promised he’d come home. That they’d do whatever it took. Instead, he’d broken her heart, and made her realize that waiting for him had been a big mistake.
Sarah flipped the tattered book shut and left it on the table. Maybe she’d show it to Nate, maybe she wouldn’t, but now he was back there was no use trying to run from the past. She’d loved Nate with all her heart, and maybe, just maybe, she’d never stopped.
Sarah walked into the kitchen and made straight for the cake she’d made earlier. She had planned on giving it to Johnny for helping her out with her horse, but she needed a sugar fix and fast.
And not for the first time, she wished she wasn’t such good friends with the Calhoun family. It wasn’t like she could talk to them about Nate, not when it sounded like he wasn’t even on speaking terms with them himself.
CHAPTER THREE
NATE took a deep breath. He wasn’t used to being nervous, had spent years being the brave one no matter what the situation, but right now he was knee-shakingly worried.
He raised one hand and knocked lightly on the door, not wanting to alarm his sister or her new husband.
The door opened, only halfway, and Nate looked down to see a little boy with messy blond hair. His nephew. For some reason he hadn’t expected the boy to answer.
“Hey, Brady.” Nate could almost feel his blood pressure dropping from being confronted by a child instead of his little sister. She might be younger than him, but she could be darn bossy, and he was still wondering if he’d done the right thing in turning up. But he couldn’t hide away forever, and he was lonely. After so many years in the army, he was equal parts miserable about being alone and relieved not to have to pretend like he was okay to his buddies.
“Tell Holt that he can’t keep sneaking in the front door and stealing my chutney!” Jess called out.
Nate smiled. So Holt was still taking Jess’s things without asking. Some things never changed. Maybe he had missed them.
“Mom, it’s not Uncle Holt,” Brady called back, grinning as he grabbed Nate’s hand and tugged him into the kitchen. “It’s—”
The kid didn’t have a moment to get the word out.
“Nate!” Jess dropped what she was doing and rushed around the counter to him. “Johnny, turn the television off.”
Nate shook his head. “No, don’t make a fuss. I just thought I’d take you up on that offer of dinner. If you have enough to spare, that is?”
“Enough to spare?” Jess gave him a hug, her slender arms wrapping right around him, before she pulled back and kissed his cheek. “We always have more than enough to share, especially for my favorite brother.”
Nate gulped, pushing away the feeling that he should have stayed home alone. But he couldn’t stay there forever, and if he was going to try to make amends, then Jess was the person he wanted to start with. She was his youngest sister, and even though she liked trying to fix other people’s problems, for some reason he’d come to her instead of going up to the main house.
“So I’m your favorite brother now?” he joked.
Jess responded with a slap to his arm, followed by a tight, impromptu hug.
One step at a time, or at least that’s what he was trying to keep telling himself.
“Nate.”
He clasped hands with his brother-in-law, forcing a smile. Nate had nothing against the man, was pleased his