look forward to going home, that’s what you’re working toward, the light at the end of the tunnel. And then when you finally get there, instead of being this great thing, it’s like bam, everything hits you at once. Everywhere you look you see stuff that was part of your old life, stuff you can’t do anymore. That’s hard.” And how’s that for understatement?
Cory nodded. “I can see how it would be. So you tried to avoid that part altogether. By not going back to the life you had before.”
“Yeah, I did,” Matt said, quietly defiant. “Do you blame me?”
“I’m not into blaming anybody—” Cory’s smile flashed “—except maybe myself.”
“And I told you not to do that. I mean it. I’m okay with my life. I mean, hell no, I’m not okay with being in a wheelchair, but I’ve accepted it. What else can I do? Look, I went through all the stages—first, you’re just numb, then you’re in denial. You tell yourself you’re going to get over this, you’re going to get well, you’re going to walk again. When you realize you’re not, you hit bottom. There’s rage, despair, bitterness—some people never make it past that. Some people choose to end it right there. I don’t know why I managed to get through it, but I did, and I’m glad I did. I’ve got a job doing something important. At least, I think it is. I think maybe I can make a difference in some kids’ lives, and that keeps me going, getting up every morning.”
“I think so, too. I hate to sound like a big brother, but I’m proud of you.” Cory coughed and took a swallow of beer—a ploy Matt was familiar with, had used himself a time or two—then frowned at the can in his hand. “But there’s more to life than a career. Trust me—this I know from personal experience.”
It was an opportunity, and Matt jumped on it with great relief. Leaned forward, grinning, and said, “Speaking of which, I haven’t heard about yours, yet. You’re married, I know that much. Your wife’s name is Samantha, right? So, tell me about her.”
This time his brother’s smile was different, somehow, as if somebody had lit a whole bunch of candles behind it. “You’ll meet her yourself, soon enough. She’s flying out tomorrow.”
“No kidding? Hey, that’s great. No kids, though, I’m guessing?”
The candlepower went just a shade dimmer. “Not yet. Sam’s been busy with her career—she’s a pilot, did Wade tell you?—and then we’ve both been occupied with this search. Still two missing, you know. The twins—the little girls are out there, somewhere. We’re not ready to give up just yet.”
He took off his glasses, frowned at them, then shifted those deep, dark, see-everything eyes back to Matt. “What about you? You broke things off with Alex, so…what now? Do you have anybody special in your life? Do you plan to get married someday, have kids of your own? I’m assuming everything’s…”
Matt jumped in with a cough and a hurried, “Oh, yeah. Everything’s fine. Works just…fine. You know….” And after an awkward pause, “I’d like to find somebody, sure.” From out of the past a pair of hazel eyes fringed with black swam into his mind and gazed at him accusingly. You found her, you idiot. And you were too stupid to know it.
His consciousness protested. Hey, I wasn’t the stupid one.
You could have changed her mind if you’d tried hard enough.
I would have. I meant to. I thought I had time….
Cory’s voice broke into his inner debate. “You and Alex…”
“Whatever we were,” Matt said evenly, “it’s history.”
“That’s…not the impression I got from her.”
Matt jerked away from the table, needing a physical outlet for the anger that spasmed through him. “Look—you don’t…You have to know her.” He gave a short, hard laugh as he wheeled into the kitchen and lobbed his empty beer can into the sink, liking the clatter it made. “She’s got some issues, believe me.”
His brother’s mild tone told him he wasn’t impressed by the display. “So, tell me about her.”
Sam’s “Hey…” was mumbled and sleepy, and Cory closed his eyes in contrition.
“I woke you. I’m sorry. I didn’t think about the time difference.”
“No…no, ‘sokay.” He could hear rustlings, and for a moment, knowing she preferred to sleep nude, enjoyed the mental picture of his wife getting herself propped up on pillows and the sheet pulled up across her breasts. “Tell me. You’ve seen him? Talked to him?”
“Just came from having dinner with him. He fixed us hamburgers.”
“Umm. Yum.”
“Sam, I wish you could have seen him. He coaches a bunch of teenagers with SCIs. Have you ever heard of ‘Murderball’?”
“I have, actually. Well, gee, Pearse, what did you expect? He’s your brother. So, how is he? I mean, you know, about…”
“Being paralyzed? He seems to have adjusted very well. Ask me how it was seeing him like that.”
“Okay.”
“In a word, awful. I kept thinking I could have changed things if I’d…you know. That he wouldn’t be in that chair if I’d been there for him.”
“Pearse—”
“I know, I know. He already told me what he thought of that notion. There is something I’d like to do for him though. This is something I think I might be able to fix.” And maybe it’ll help with these guilt feelings…
“Okay, tell me. Can I help?”
“I think so, yes. You’re still coming tomorrow, right?”
“Right. Hitched a ride with the U.S. Navy. Leaving at O-six hundred. You’re picking me up at Edwards, right?”
“You bet.” Cory let out a breath. “I’m going to take Matt back to the mountains, Sam. He’s adjusted okay in most ways, but…he’d never admit it, but I think he’s lonely. He’d like someone—a wife, kids—but I don’t think he’s ever going to be able to find anyone as long as he’s got this unresolved thing for Alex Penny. His expartner. I’m positive he’s still got feelings for her, and it’s a big hurting empty inside him.”
He listened to some more rustlings, and then, “Darlin’, I know you want to help your brother, but meddlin’ in his love life? I don’t know about that…Do you think taking him back to the life he used to have is such a good idea? Seems like that could be pretty hard.”
“Oh, yeah. He admitted that. He said it was the reason he chose not to go back. But I think there’s more to him not going back than not wanting to face his old life. He’s got more guts than that.” He paused. “I think he’d have gone back if she’d asked him to.”
“Well, why didn’t she? Maybe she doesn’t have the same feelings he does.”
“That’s just it—I think she does. Sam, she’s still hurt and angry after five years. That doesn’t come from nothing.”
“True.” He heard a swallowed yawn. “Then why? Is she just proud? Stubborn? What?”
“Mmm, I don’t know. Some, maybe. But Matt told me some things about her that might help to explain why she didn’t ask him to stay. Apparently she grew up in a trailer park in a little town on the Mojave Desert. Single mom, father deserted her mother as soon as he found out she was pregnant. Mom was bitter but tough, and raised her daughter to fend for herself, be self-sufficient, not depend on anybody but herself, and especially not a man. She died of cancer about the time Alex met Matt.”
“Oh boy.”
“Yeah. Add to that the fact that Matt’s got his