to singe my hair, and a glass of prosecco in my hand, I don’t feel fabulous.
‘Right gorgeous, describe your perfect date.’ He’s back in his seat. ‘Hit us, babe. The full works.’
I wriggle in my seat (it does feel a bit like my head is burning, and for a moment I wonder if he’s got carried away and turned me up high). ‘Well, Jude Law’s very nice.’
Chantelle tops up my glass. ‘Oh my God, did you see him in The Holiday? I mean he’s a bit old for me—’ anybody over twenty-one is probably a bit old for Chantelle ‘—but I wouldn’t have said no.’
‘Daniel Craig is more my taste.’ A lady at the far side of the salon puts her copy of Harper’s Bazaar down. ‘I didn’t know I liked blonds until I saw him stride out of the sea in those swimming trunks.’ She fans herself with the magazine.
‘Isn’t he everybody’s, darling?’ Tim joins in the fanning melodramatically.
‘He has got quite nice, er, pecs.’ I’m never quite sure which muscle is which, but I do know Daniel Craig has plenty of them. And I do know he scares me a bit. ‘He’s not quite my style though.’ An image of Liam jumps into my head, totally pec-less. I shake it away – I can do better than that. ‘I mean I like muscles, but I like cuddles as well.’
There’s a collective sigh. Don’t you love hairdressing salons? Guaranteed support, and a haircut.
A burst of loud music launches itself at my ear drums and Chantelle whisks away the heat lamp as the timer goes off. ‘That’s you done, don’t want you too intense, do we?’ She ushers me over to the backwash unit, and points at my right thigh accusingly as I settle myself into the chair.
I’m just about to apologise (several packets of cheesy wotsits have found a home there) when she leans over and jabs a button that I hadn’t noticed (my thigh was in the way). ‘New chairs, you even get a massage. How good is that?’
I’m not actually sure it would rate in my brilliant category, but after two glasses of bubbly and no bum fondling or back kneading for a long time, the gentle vibration is actually quite acceptable.
‘I like a man who can cuddle too.’ Chantelle digs her fingertips into my scalp firmly.
‘Hugh Grant was my type years ago.’ The woman at the next backwash sighs. ‘I’d have cuddled him and much more.’
I glance over, and she looks at least sixty. She grins back in a very naughty way, positively licking her lips. Then winks. Too much information, it’s like your mum bringing up her sex life when all you agreed to was some bonding over handbag shopping.
‘It’s the hair, and the smile. He’d make you laugh, wouldn’t he love? Can’t beat a man who can make you laugh.’ I’m not so sure on that point. ‘That film when he’s Prime Minister,’ Miss Sixty-Plus carries on undeterred.
‘Love Actually?’
She nods. ‘And he’s doing that bit of dad-dancing, bless. Ooh, I could have grabbed him, I could.’
Tim whisks me and my drippy hair back to my seat in front of a mirror, so luckily I don’t have to come up with a response.
‘Liam Hemsworth is cute.’
Tim’s gaze meets mine in the mirror. ‘If he was one of my clients, he’d be yours, gorgeous.’ He combs my hair through. ‘When I was working in London, we had actors in and out all the time.’ The way he says it lends a definite double entendre.
‘You could always borrow my little brother for the day.’
The words come out of the blue. For a moment I think I’ve misheard as I glance round wildly, then realise it’s the girl opposite me, hidden by the mirrors. She leans to one side, so I can see her. My first impression is perfect smile, perfect make-up, and perfect hair. My second impression is money.
‘Oh my God, Amy. Yes!’ I think Tim’s about to orgasm as he clamps his hands over his mouth. His gaze switches from her to me. ‘He is SO gorgeous, SO you.’
I dread to think what he thinks ‘me’ is, and I daren’t ask, because if this man is anything like his sister Amy then he’s nothing like me at all.
‘And that man can act, can’t he Amy?’
‘Oh yeah.’ She rolls her eyes. ‘He’s an actor, he can play anything from cuddly uncle to porn star.’ I’m not sure either of those fits my particular bill. ‘He’ll do anything to practise his craft – and throw in a party and he’ll think he’s in heaven.’ She winks. ‘And he’s broke.’
‘If he wasn’t straight I’d have had my hands on that butt of his years ago.’ I’ve never seen Tim quite so animated. He’s snipping away at my hair with gay abandon, a lustful smile on his face, and I’m wondering if it would be safer to ask him to stop now before I end up with a pixie cut that I haven’t got the face for.
‘Jake’s a bit of a twat, but he’s harmless.’ Amy grins. ‘He needs somebody down to earth and nice to put him in his place; you’d be perfect.’ I’m not sure if this is a compliment or an insult, so I just smile nicely and try not to worry about the scissors. ‘Those airheads he normally dates just simper and swoon when he tells them he’s lined up to be the next James Bond.’
‘Is he?’ I know my eyes have opened a bit wider, and I’ve sat up a bit straighter. Holy crap, have I just bagged myself a real hunk? I’ve always been able to take it or leave it as far as James Bond goes, but I wouldn’t say no to a date.
‘Is he hell!’ She laughs, and my backbone sags back into its normal curve. ‘He’s doing bit parts, waiting for his big break.’
Otherwise known as working as a barista. Licensed to handle a coffee machine isn’t quite the same as licensed to kill. Or thrill. Although I’d probably get a good latte out of the deal.
‘Here.’ She stands up, showing off endless legs and a designer handbag. ‘Take my card.’ Even the card, framed by immaculate nails, looks expensive.
It would be rude to ignore it, but this is never going to work. The whole idea of a fake date makes me feel slightly queasy, and actor Jake is way outside my league. At least if I hired an escort like Sarah suggested, we’d all know where we stood. And he wouldn’t be nearly famous.
‘I’m not sure it will be up his street.’ I try and match her posh tone, and just sound a bit like my mother when she answers the phone. ‘And er, it’s not for a day, it’s for a week.’
‘Even better, he could do with a change of scene! Honestly, he’d love it.’ She puts the card down, then blows Tim a kiss. ‘Let me know if you’re interested and I’ll sound him out, though he’s anybody’s for a free lunch.’
‘Oh she’s interested, aren’t you gorgeous?’ Tim hugs me. ‘He’s just what you need.’ We watch Amy leave, and Tim wields the hairdryer until I look streaked and sleek.
‘Divine.’ He holds a mirror so I can see the back. ‘I can just see Liam’s face when you walk in on Jake’s arm looking absolutely fab. The dream team.’ He sighs.
I stare at my own reflection. I do look quite good, and Jake might look like a young George Clooney, or a Brad Pitt, or a cute Alex Pettyfer. After all he is an actor.
Tim spins me round. ‘You can do this, I’m not taking no for an answer.’
I grin back. ‘I can do this.’ I swan out of the salon on a high, hair all swishy and a spring in my step. I can do this. I have to.
I shall go to the wedding. I shall take a date.
What could possibly go wrong?