it some gravel instead. ‘I could have had the stable boy when I was eighteen. He was beautiful, carefree and rode like a demon. At twenty-two I could have had a sheikh worth billions. He only had to look at me to make me melt. A year later I met a musician with hands I could only dream of. I would have gladly taken him to my bed but I didn’t. Would you like me to continue?’
‘Please don’t.’
‘Casimir’s not a virgin,’ she continued grimly. ‘He got a nineteen-year-old pregnant when he was twenty-three! You know what I was doing at twenty-three? Taking dancing lessons so that I could feel the touch of someone’s hand.’
‘I thought they were fencing lessons.’
‘Same thing. Maybe I wanted to feel a little prick.’ All these years she’d denied herself all manner of pleasures others took for granted. ‘I have waited. No romance, no lovers, no children for Moriana of Arun. Only duty. And for what? So that today I could wake up and be vilified in the press for being too cool, too stern and too focused on fundraising and furthering my education to have time for any man? I mean, no wonder Casimir of Byzenmaach went looking for someone else, right?’
Augustus winced. ‘No one’s saying that.’
‘Have you even read today’s newspapers?’
‘No one here is saying that,’ he amended.
‘What did I do wrong, Augustus? I was promised to an indifferent boy when I was eight years old. Now I’m getting a form letter marriage proposal from a playboy king whose dislike for me is legendary. And you say I should feel honoured?’ Her voice cracked. ‘Why do you sell me off so easily? Am I really that worthless?’
She straightened her shoulders, smoothed her hands over the skirt of her dress and made sure the hem sat in a straight stern line. She hated losing her composure, hated feeling needy and greedy and hard to love. She was wired to please others. Trained to it since birth.
But this...expecting her to fall all over herself to comply with Theo’s request... ‘Theo’s uncle is making waves again and questioning Theo’s fitness to rule. I do read the reports that come in.’ She read every last one of them. ‘I understand Liesendaach’s need for stability and a secure future and that we in Arun would rather deal with Theo than with his uncle. But I am not the solution to his need for a quickie marriage.’
‘Actually, you’re an excellent solution.’ Augustus was watching her carefully. ‘You’ve been looking forward to having a family for years. Theo needs an heir. You could be pregnant within a year.’
‘Don’t.’ Yes, she wanted children. She’d foolishly once thought she’d be married with several children by now.
‘You and Theo have goals that align. I’m merely stating the obvious.’
Moriana wrapped her arms around her waist and stared at the toes of her boots. The boots were a shade darker than the purple of her dress. The pearls around her neck matched the pearls in her ears. She was a picture-perfect princess who was falling apart inside. ‘Maybe I don’t want children any more. Maybe keeping royal children safe and happy and feeling loved is an impossible task.’
‘Our parents seemed to manage it well enough.’
‘Oh, really?’ She knew she should hold her tongue. She didn’t, and all her years of trying and failing to please people bubbled to the fore. ‘Do you think I feel loved? By whom?’ She choked on a laugh. ‘You, who would just as soon trade me into yet another loveless marriage in return for regional stability? Casimir, who never wanted me in the first place and was simply too gutless to say so? Theo, with his form letter marriage proposal and endless parade of mistresses? Do you really think I’ve basked in the glow of unconditional parental love and approval for the past twenty-eight years? Heaven help me, Augustus. What planet are you living on? Not one of you even remembers I exist unless I can do something for you.’
She felt stupid. Stupid for putting her life on hold for a decade and never once calling into question that childhood betrothal. She could have asked for a time frame from Casimir. She could have pressed for a solid commitment. She could have said no to many things and got over trying to please people who didn’t give a damn about her. She gestured towards Theo’s offending letter. ‘He doesn’t even pretend to offer love or attraction. Not even mild affection.’
‘Is that what you want?’
‘Yes! I want to be with someone who cares for me. Why is that so hard to understand?’
‘Maybe he does.’
‘What?’
‘Theo. Maybe he cares for you.’
‘You don’t seriously expect me to believe that.’ Moriana looked at him in amazement. ‘You do. Oh. You must think I’m really stupid.’
‘It’s a theory.’
‘Would you like me to disprove it for you?’ Because she had years and years of dealing with Theo to call on. ‘I can count on one hand the times I’ve felt that man’s support. The first was at our mother’s funeral when he caught me as I stumbled on the steps of the church. He made me sit before I fell. He brought me water and sat with me in silence and kept his hatred of women wearing black to himself. The second and final time he was supportive of me was at a regional water summit when a drunk delegate put his hand on my backside. Theo told him he’d break it if it wasn’t removed.’
‘I like it,’ said her brother with a faint smile.
‘You would.’
‘He knows where you are in a room full of people,’ Augustus said next. ‘He always knows. He can describe whatever it is you’re wearing.’
‘So he’s observant.’
‘It’s more than that.’
‘I disagree. Maybe he’s wanted me a time or two, I’ll give him that. But only for sport, and only because he couldn’t have me.’ She plucked the form letter from the desk and folded it so that the offending words were hidden. ‘No, Augustus. It’s a smart offer. Theo’s a smart man. I can see exactly what kind of political gain is in it for him. But there’s nothing in it for me. Nothing I want.’
‘I hear you,’ Augustus replied quietly.
‘Good.’ She sent her brother a tight smile. ‘Maybe I’ll send a form letter refusal. Dear Applicant, After careful consideration I regret to inform you that your proposal has been unsuccessful. Better luck next time.’
‘That would be inviting him to try again. This is Theo, remember?’
‘You’re right.’ Moriana reconsidered her words. ‘Better luck elsewhere?’
‘Yes.’ Her brother smiled but his eyes remained clouded with concern. ‘Moriana—’
‘Don’t,’ she snapped. ‘Don’t you try and guilt me into doing this.’
‘I’m not. You’re free to choose. Free to be. Free to discover who and what makes you happy.’
‘Good. Good chat. I should bare my soul to you more often.’
Augustus shuddered.
Moriana rounded her brother’s imposing desk and kissed the top of his head, mainly because she knew such a blatant display of affection would irritate him. ‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered. ‘I like what Theo’s doing for his country. I applaud the progress and stability he’s bringing to the region and I want it to continue. There’s plenty to admire about him these days, and if I thought he actually liked me or that there was any chance he could meet my needs I’d marry him and make the most of it. I don’t need to be swept off my feet. But this time I do want attention and affection and fidelity in return for my service. Love even, heaven forbid. And that’s not Theo’s wheelhouse.’
Augustus, reigning King of Arun and brother to Moriana the Red, watched as his sister turned