wrong.
The first excited shout went up around 2 a.m., carrying through the wind like a bird, waking Jack and Shelley and setting them scrambling for matches to light the candles when the lamp switches clicked uselessly. It was Harry, Giles’s second son, letting them know that one of the ewes had gone into labour.
‘The girls,’ Shelley panted, tugging on her voluminous jeans and one of Jack’s sweaters.
‘I’ll get them,’ he said, stuffing his feet into old trainers and rushing from the room.
‘No, I will,’ she insisted. ‘You go and see if Harry needs help.’
The girls were already on the landing in nighties and slippers, and tugging on the coats they’d kept next to their beds for just this moment. ‘We heard Harry,’ Zoe shrieked eagerly. ‘Are the lambs here?’
‘About to be,’ Jack promised, scooping her up. ‘Come on, let’s go and see.’
‘Can I name him?’ Hanna asked, running after them.
‘If it’s a girl,’ Jack reminded her.
‘I’m naming him if it’s a boy,’ Zoe said over his shoulder to make sure Hanna heard.
‘What if it’s twins?’ Hanna asked. ‘I hope it’s twins. Daddy, you’re going too fast, I can’t see.’
‘Climb on board,’ he instructed, pausing for her to jump onto his back.
Shelley could just about make them out at the bottom of the stairs as she started down with a precariously balanced candle.
Jack was lighting a paraffin lamp. ‘Is everyone OK?’ he demanded as a weak amber glow lit the hall. ‘Are you all here?’
‘We’re here,’ the girls chorused.
‘Me too,’ Shelley called out.
He was at the door, tugging it open. A spirited wind hurled across the yard, pushing him back. He battled through it. The girls cowered into his neck, shielding their faces from the silvery spikes of rain.
From the front door Shelley shouted, ‘Jack!’
Harry appeared at the barn door. ‘Bit of trouble,’ he shouted. ‘Tried fishing it out myself, but you’d better come.’
‘Jack!’ Shelley yelled again.
‘Is it going to be all right?’ Zoe panicked.
‘You won’t let it die, will you, Daddy?’ Hanna wailed.
‘Jack!’ Shelley all but screamed.
At last he caught her voice and turned round.
‘My waters have broken,’ she yelled above the storm.
His eyes rounded in the moonlight, as driving rain whipped into his face and gusts tore at his hair.
‘We have to get to the lamb,’ Hanna cried, digging in her heels to make him go faster.
Shelley watched them, clutching the door frame as the first contraction bit down hard.
Jack seemed frozen.
Harry shouted again.
Hanna was pointing to the barn and yelling.
Shelley gave a quick pant. Hers wouldn’t be the first baby born in a stable, she reminded herself, provided she could get there.
The next contraction clawed so harshly she slumped to her knees.
She looked up just in time to see Jack disappearing into the barn.
Present Day
This wasn’t a place Vivi knew, or a feeling she recognized, or a sound she could identify through the strangeness of this elusive reality. Thump, wheeze, thump, click, bleep. On and on, never stopping, never changing: soft, loud, lilting, dropping … There was a fog, not in her eyes, yes, in her eyes, but in her head too, deep inside her brain, spreading all the way through her right out to the edges of her vision, circling brief moments of clarity in a dim, misty halo.
She blinked slowly, and felt a clutching sensation around her mouth. She thought she might be standing on the corner of the Fulham Road talking on the phone, waiting for an ambulance to pass.
The siren wailed into silence; voices rose and rippled across an invisible divide. Someone was speaking her name. ‘Vivienne, can you hear me? Vivi. Vivienne.’
The fog closed in, colourless and opaque, and everything went quiet again as she floated back into darkness, away from the strange sounds and confusion of pain.
A while later Vivi’s eyes flickered open again. She could see a vague, bluish light and blinked to try to focus on it. She felt dazzled and trapped, pinned inside a place she couldn’t distinguish. She tried to make sense of the peculiar noises around her: heavy whispers; loud, desperate breaths. An unsteady hush was punctured by bleeps; grazed by a constant, low-pitched hum.
She moved her pupils to the edge of their sockets. She was lying down, that much was clear, and without trying she knew she couldn’t get up. In the semi-darkness her gaze reached the long, loose limbs of someone sprawled on a chair. It was her brother, Mark. She’d been talking to him on the phone while on the corner of the Fulham Road. A siren shrilled as an ambulance went by …
Now Mark was here, beside her, his head and body slumped awkwardly as he slept. He seemed younger than his nineteen years, more like sixteen, although the stubble on his chin and shadows, like bruises, around his closed eyes aged him again.
There was someone beside him, in another chair. He was asleep too, his handsome yet grey face resting on one hand.
It was her stepfather, Gil, here to wish her happy birthday. He’d probably brought flowers. He always gave her flowers.
She tried to speak, but something was filling her mouth. She wanted to take it away, but her hand wouldn’t move, weighed down by something she couldn’t see. Her tongue was heavy and too weak to clear the blockage.
Confusion and fear descended on her, like clouds gently bursting with the threat of more to come. This was a hospital, she realized. She was in hospital, but why? What had happened to her? She felt a sudden, desperate need for her mother, so powerful that she wanted to cry out for her, but her voice was a small, stifled moan inside the mask over her mouth.
Mark’s eyes opened, and as he saw her watching him he sat forward so quickly he almost slipped from the chair.
‘Vivi?’ he croaked urgently. ‘Oh God, Vivi,’ and he started to cry. ‘Dad,’ he muttered over his shoulder. ‘Dad!’
Gil woke with a start and shot to his feet almost before he knew what he was doing. He looked rumpled and afraid. ‘Vivi, sweetie,’ he murmured, coming forward. ‘Oh, Vivi.’
A nurse suddenly swept into the room, summoned by only she knew what. She slipped in front of Mark and Gil, blocking them from Vivi’s view, but her face was kind, her voice reassuring.
‘I’ll get your mother,’ Gil said, and a moment later he was gone.
Mark stood silently watching the adjustment of tubes and patches, the checking of readings and making of notes on a tablet. The small, plump woman was calm and efficient, smiling as she smoothed the hair from Vivienne’s forehead to inspect her eyes.
‘Hello, Vivi Shager,’ she whispered in a soft, accented voice. ‘Nice to meet you.’
Vivi couldn’t answer, wasn’t