unnecessary guilt and so I have had to work towards unlearning this rule. I sometimes joke when I’m giving a talk that my personal mantra used to be, ‘If it feels good, it must be bad.’
As children, we are not in a position to know what we can let go of. We simply inherit all of these rules and beliefs from families, cultures or religions. But that doesn’t make them right or healthy.
I suggest that you stop to reflect on some of the rules or beliefs that impact negatively on your life. Remember, not all rules are bad. Some can be beneficial. Focus here on the rules in your life that feel restrictive for you. They usually tend to be prefaced by should or must. I’ll explore later in the chapter how to let go of these influences from your past.
Examples of some unhelpful rules I hear every day in therapy are:
• I must be perfect
• I must not fail
• I must never disappoint
• I should be better
• I must never do anything wrong
• I must be the best
• I should succeed at everything
• I must be a good person.
It is also important to be aware that these beliefs can also flow into how you believe other people should be or behave. For example, if you have a belief you should be perfect, then you might have unrealistic expectations of everyone else. This is never much fun for the partners of perfectionists!
Take a moment here to write down in your journal a few of the rules or beliefs that create challenges for you and make life a struggle at times. The easiest way to do this is to look firstly at the areas you struggle with in life. You can then figure out how your rules might be influencing that. This will then enable you to make decisions about which of those rules serve a positive purpose in your life and which don’t. Take your time with this and don’t be surprised if you feel emotional at times. This is totally normal.
NEGATIVE OR TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCES
These experiences are past events you had no control over, which led to damage and hurt in your present life. Only you will know what these events are. As a general rule they tend to feature regularly in your thoughts, impact on your happiness, deplete your self-worth and leave you with a prevailing sense of powerlessness. The most common events from the past I hear people discuss are:
• Abuse of all kinds (emotional, physical, sexual)
• Violence
• Poverty
• Deprivation
• Family conflict
• Addictions
• Bullying
• Cultural conflict
• Hardship.
The list is endless and again I would encourage you for now to simply make a note of any negative or traumatic experiences you would like to start letting go of. In summary, if the event still replays regularly in your mind, creates distress, and impacts on your happiness then you haven’t let it go. In therapy we would say the event hasn’t been processed.
HOW YOU CAN MOVE FORWARD
UNHELPFUL RULES AND BELIEFS
Earlier in the chapter you will have listed some of your unhelpful rules or beliefs learnt from past experiences. I want to keep this really simple by asking you to go back to your rules and for each of them ask:
1. Do these rules work for me?
2. Are they achievable all the time?
If not, then it’s time to re-evaluate and make them more flexible. Remember, as I mentioned earlier, not all rules or beliefs are unhelpful but if they lack flexibility, therein lies the problem.
I worked with a client recently who had very strong rules and beliefs about being a ‘good person’. He did laugh in a therapy session one day when I highlighted that Mother Teresa would have struggled to live with some of his rules! He worked as a fulltime carer, volunteered in a soup kitchen five days a week and sang in the church choir.
His belief was that he should always help people and put others first. If he didn’t, he then saw himself as a bad person. It won’t surprise you that he arrived in therapy exhausted, frustrated and unfulfilled. He was operating from a belief that to be a good person he had to do good all the time. It wasn’t sustainable. Ultimately, he had to learn that he was a good enough person whether or not he engaged in all these activities.
As you look at your rules from earlier I would encourage you now to consider introducing some flexibility to some of the more rigid rules you might have. For example, the rule, I must be perfect, could now become, I don’t need to be perfect all the time. Likewise, I must never disappoint people, could now become, sometimes it’s OK to say no. If it’s helpful for you, write your new flexible rules down in your journal so you can remind yourself of them when needed.
Be mindful that this work takes time and patience. You are rewiring your brain to respond more flexibly. Sometimes you will fail and want to return to the safety of what you are familiar with but stay focussed on the new freedom and flexibility this will eventually bring.
You are now giving yourself the opportunity to rewrite the rules from your past, and make the new rules work for you. You are no longer living by the unhelpful inherited rules that simply don’t work for you.
It is important to be mindful that you can respect the inherited rules of your past but you don’t have to agree with them.
Living your life by rules that are not comfortable for you is tough. It’s almost like walking through life in a pair of shoes that are the wrong size. It will be uncomfortable, restrictive and painful at times. You now have the option of choosing a more comfortable fit. Take it from me, I’ve spent many years wearing size seven hobnail boots, when a pair of size nine loafers would have been a much better fit.
NEGATIVE OR TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCES
Some negative or traumatic past experiences will get in the way of your life if they are not dealt with. I am confident some of what I offer you here will be immensely helpful and allow you to move forward. It is worth mentioning some long-standing deep issues from the past may need discussion with a professional, simply to help you process the events and leave them in the past. Not everyone needs therapy, but some people do. There is no right or wrong here. Simply be aware that there are options for how you decide to manage this section of our work together. If self-help work isn’t enough, always seek professional guidance.
The approach I use to help process a difficult experience or event from the past encourages you to ask yourself five key questions about that event in the here and now:
1. Ruminating. Is there any benefit to holding on to this hurt from the past?
2. Self-judgement. Was it your fault this painful event or circumstance took place?
3. Expectations of self. At the time of the event can you accept it would have been difficult to have the perfect mindset to deal with it?
4. Self-blaming. Did you wish for this event or experience, which ultimately had a negative impact, to happen?
5. Mindful awareness. Can you accept the actual event is in the past and you are now safe?
In