“Okay...Of course, if it’s important to you, you’ve got it.” The wide-eyed worry shining from Kora’s face was reassuring.
Maybe it really was that simple. Yeah, she was probably making a bigger deal out of this than it needed to be...
“I don’t think you’re going to like it,” she said now. Actually, she was certain Kora wasn’t going to like it. Kora jerked, and the wine in her other hand spilled. She didn’t even seem to notice. “You’re not moving away are you?”
“No.” Pulling a tissue from the box on the nightstand, Bailey dabbed at a wet spot on her friend’s thigh. “Of course not. I couldn’t leave you. You know that.”
“Okay,” Kora grinned. “Good.” She sipped her wine. “So, what’s up?”
“I want to have a baby.” Kora and Danny had been trying for almost a year and every month, when Kora was hoping not to have a period, and Bailey had lain awake at night praying for her friend’s fertility, she’d found herself feeling an emptiness of her own....
“A baby?” Kora frowned, shook her head. “You’re pregnant?”
“Not yet.” She sat forward, grabbing Kora’s hand in both of hers. She couldn’t do this without Kora. And she had to do it. “I realize this sounds sudden, but it’s not, Kor. I just...I know this is the right thing. Just like I knew law school was. You know how I am. I don’t care about a lot of things, but when I do, when I’m certain something’s right, it is.”
Kora, who was still staring at her, nodded. “But...a baby?”
Bailey nodded back. There were so many things she could say, about her heart, her life, her upbringing and her emptiness, but Kora already knew all that.
“You’re talking like after you get married, right?” Kora asked, but Bailey knew that her friend wasn’t really asking. She knew better. But was hoping, anyway.
Bailey shook her head.
“I thought you hadn’t spoken to Jake since March.”
Stomach churning again, Bailey said, “I haven’t.”
Hurt filled Kora’s eyes and then was gone. “I didn’t know you’d met anyone else.” There wasn’t any accusation in Kora’s tone, but...
“I haven’t!” Bailey quickly confirmed.
“Then you’re talking about sometime in the future...”
“No.” Bailey shook her head again, felt the effects of the alcohol she’d consumed, and reached for her wine glass, taking another sip. “I found a clinic that does artificial insemination,” she said in a rush. “I went there today, Kor, and this place is great. The people are great. The woman I met with was so supportive. She totally understood me, where I was coming from. She said I’ll need to consider everything carefully, including the fact that I’ll be bringing a child into the world, possibly a son, who wouldn’t have a father figure in his life, but I figured with you and Danny and Papa Bill...”
“You went to a fertility clinic?” Kora’s gaze wasn’t horrified, but it wasn’t pleased.
“Yeah. I have another appointment for next week and I want you to go with me, Kora. I told them you’d be there as my next of kin. They know about you and Danny and your folks and...”
“No, Bail...” There were tears in Kora’s eyes as she shook her head. Bailey hadn’t expected tears. “You can’t do this. Please don’t do this...” Kora kept shaking her head. You’re going to ruin your chances at the family and home you’ve always wanted. It’s like saying you don’t want to be my friend, and breaking up with Jake because you fell in love with him. You want a family, but this... You’ll be alone as a parent and—”
“I can’t do it without you.”
“I know. But I can’t... If you’d been in love and your husband died, or he was an invalid or even if you were gay, then fine, I’d get it and I’d be with you all the way. But this...” Leaning back, Kora put her wine glass down, then scooted closer to Bailey, leaning back against the headboard to pull Bailey over, holding her, Bailey’s head on her shoulder, as they’d done so many times in the past.
“You’re just scared because of Jake,” she said, her voice soothing. And Bailey wanted to sink into the comfort and go to sleep. To rest peacefully, as she’d done so many times at Kora’s house, with her friend close by to chase away the ugliness that always seemed to be on Bailey’s heels. Or to call in Kora’s parents when it was too big for the two of them to handle alone.
“You’re panicking and jumping into something....”
Was she? Kora knew her better than anyone. So maybe she had a point. But... “Just come with me,” she said. “If you still think I’m nuts, then I’ll listen to you, but just come with me to the appointment. Hear what they have to say....”
“Of course I’ll come, sweetie. I won’t let you down. I’ve always been there for you and always will. No matter what. And remember, Bail, I’m just keeping my word to you. I promised I’d always tell you what I see—just like I expect you to do for me. You know your insecurities can blind you, the same way my Pollyanna attitude sometimes prevents me from seeing clearly.” Kora paused. “Remember how scared you were when it was time to apply to law schools? You weren’t going to and—”
“My mother was divorcing a judge who was set on destroying her....”
“You were afraid you wouldn’t get in. And afraid that if you did, you’d fail....”
True.
“But I could see that. I knew how badly you really wanted to go. I knew what you really wanted and nagged you to fill out those forms.”
True again. “We filled out the forms together,” Bailey reminded her.
“Jake’s not dating anyone....”
Bailey’s heart leapt. She’d come so close to letting that man talk her into something she knew she’d regret.
She’d almost let him talk her into running away and getting married.
For a whole weekend, she’d considered the idea. Had let herself imagine what it would be like to be married to Jake and have it work out the way it had for Kora and Danny.
But then that Sunday night, facing work the next day, she’d complained about a partner at work and Jake had told her she could quit her job if she wanted to. He’d promised to support her if she wanted to open her own firm. And she’d heard the judge again, so clearly it hurt, as her mind replayed a conversation she’d overheard between him and her mom the night before they got married. He’d told her mom basically the same thing. Only for Mom it had been about going to law school. But when it came right down to it, he’d so lovingly and persuasively suggested that her mother didn’t need to waste time going back to school. He was perfectly capable of supporting them and she might not like the course as much as she expected or be as good at it as she wanted to be and...slowly, day by day, the relationship made in heaven had fallen apart.
Kora and Danny might make it forever. But if they did, they were the exception. Just like Papa Bill and Mama Di had been for their generation. In her experience, most couples who stayed together didn’t do it out of happiness or love. They did it because it was easier. Or for financial security. And their homes were filled with boredom. Or silence. So were their lives.
Unless they were unfaithful to each other and found a different life, a new life, outside the home.
She didn’t want it. Couldn’t take that chance. “Jake was asking about you.” Kora’s voice fell into the silence. “I’m sure I could...”
“No, Kor.” She was absolutely positive. She wasn’t going to make that mistake. No matter how much Kora wanted her to have her happily ever after.
She