some of the statements the advice or criticism is hidden. See if you can recognize why he might feel controlled.
1 “How can you think of buying that? You already have one.”
2 “Those dishes are still wet. They’ll dry with spots.”
3 “Your hair is getting kind of long, isn’t it?”
4 “There’s a parking spot over there, turn [the car] around.”
5 “You want to spend time with your friends, what about me?”
6 “You shouldn’t work so hard. Take a day off.”
7 “Don’t put that there. It will get lost.”
8 “You should call a plumber. He’ll know what to do.”
9 “Why are we waiting for a table? Didn’t you make reservations?”
10 “You should spend more time with the kids. They miss you.”
11 “Your office is still a mess. How can you think in here? When are you going to clean it up?”
12 “You forgot to bring it home again. Maybe you could put it in a special place where you can remember it.”
13 “You’re driving too fast. Slow down or you’ll get a ticket.”
14 “Next time we should read the movie reviews.”
15 “I didn’t know where you were.” (You should have called.)
16 “Somebody drank from the juice bottle.”
17 “Don’t eat with your fingers. You’re setting a bad example.”
18 “Those potato chips are too greasy. They’re not good for your heart.”
19 “You are not leaving yourself enough time.”
20 “You should give me more [advance] notice. I can’t just drop everything and go to lunch with you.”
21 “Your shirt doesn’t match your pants.”
22 “Bill called for the third time. When are you going to call him back?”
23 “Your toolbox is such a mess. I can’t find anything. You should organize it.”
When a woman does not know how to directly ask a man for support (chapter 12) or constructively share a difference of opinion (chapter 9), she may feel powerless to get what she needs without giving unsolicited advice or criticism (again, we explore this topic more fully later on). To practice giving acceptance and not giving advice and criticism is, however, a big step.
By clearly understanding he is rejecting not her needs but the way she is approaching him, she can take his rejection less personally and explore more supportive ways of communicating her needs. Gradually she will realize that a man wants to make improvements when he feels he is being approached as the solution to a problem rather than as the problem itself.
A man wants to make improvements when he feels he is being approached as the solution to a problem rather than as the problem itself.
If you are a woman, I suggest that for the next week practice restraining from giving any unsolicited advice or criticism. The men in your life not only will appreciate it but also will be more attentive and responsive to you.
If you are a man, I suggest that for the next week you practice listening whenever a woman speaks, with the sole intention of respectfully understanding what she is going through. Practice biting your tongue whenever you get the urge to offer a solution or change how she is feeling. You will be surprised when you experience how much she appreciates you.
Men Go to Their Caves and Women Talk
One of the biggest differences between men and women is how they cope with stress. Men become increasingly focused and withdrawn while women become increasingly overwhelmed and emotionally involved. At these times, a man’s needs for feeling good are different from a woman’s. He feels better by solving problems while she feels better by talking about problems. Not understanding and accepting these differences creates unnecessary friction in our relationships. Let’s look at a common example.
When Tom comes home, he wants to relax and unwind by quietly reading the news. He is stressed by the unsolved problems of his day and finds relief through forgetting them.
His wife, Mary, also wants to relax from her stressful day. She, however, wants to find relief by talking about the problems of her day. The tension slowly building between them gradually becomes resentment.
Tom secretly thinks Mary talks too much, while Mary feels ignored. Without understanding their differences they will grow further apart.
You probably can recognize this situation because it is just one of many examples where men and women are at odds. This problem is not just Tom and Mary’s but is present in almost every relationship.
Solving this problem for Tom and Mary depends not on how much they loved each other but on how much they understood the opposite sex.
Without knowing that women really do need to talk about problems to feel better, Tom would continue to think Mary talked too much and resist listening to her. Without knowing that Tom was reading the news to feel better, Mary would feel ignored and neglected. She would persist in trying to get him to talk when he didn’t want to.
These two differences can be resolved by first understanding in greater detail how men and women cope with stress. Let’s again observe life on Mars and Venus and glean some insights about men and women.
COPING WITH STRESS ON MARS AND VENUS
When a Martian gets upset he never talks about what is bothering him. He would never burden another Martian with his problem unless his friend’s assistance was necessary to solve the problem. Instead he becomes very quiet and goes to his private cave to think about his problem, mulling it over to find a solution. When he has found a solution, he feels much better and comes out of his cave.
If he can’t find a solution then he does something to forget his problems, like reading the news or playing a game. By disengaging his mind from the problems of his day, gradually he can relax. If his stress is really great it takes getting involved with something even more challenging, like racing his car, competing in a contest, or climbing a mountain.
To feel better Martians go to their caves to solve problems alone.
When a Venusian becomes upset or is stressed by her day, to find relief, she seeks out someone she trusts and then talks in great detail about the problems of her day. When Venusians share feelings of being overwhelmed, they suddenly feel better. This is the Venusian way.
To feel better Venusians get together and openly talk about their problems.