around sixty with greying curly hair and a sizeable bosom. I found myself wishing I could rest my head on her chest and have her tell me it was all going to be okay. But I changed my mind sharpish when she gave me a frosty glare. Ooh, what had rattled her cage?
‘I’m Amelia,’ a frighteningly young girl stuck her hand out for me to shake.
‘Are you in the competition?’ I asked in surprise. ‘Is there a children’s event?’
Amelia giggled. She was quite sweet, with mousy hair pulled back into a ponytail and a crop of spots on her chin.
‘I’m seventeen,’ she said. ‘I’m one of the bakers.’
‘Amelia’s our youngest competitor ever,’ said Portia proudly. ‘She’s just done her A levels.’
‘And I’m afraid I’m one of the oldest,’ said the man Amelia had been chatting to. ‘I’m Ronald.’
I took in Ronald’s straight back, shiny shoes and close-cropped hair and grinned.
‘Navy?’ I said.
Ronald roared with laughter.
‘That obvious, eh?’ he said.
‘My dad was in the RAF,’ I admitted. ‘I grew up surrounded by military types.’
Ronald beamed at me.
‘We shall have to compare stories later,’ he said.
I smiled back, relieved to have met at least one person who seemed nice and normal.
‘Okay, people,’ said Portia, sending me back into spasms of terror again. ‘We’re almost ready to get going. Harry and Esme just need to have their faces done, then we can head out to the marquee to meet the judges. They’ll introduce themselves. Don’t worry, they’re really nice – not nearly as frightening as they seem on TV.’
That was a relief. I’d watched a few clips of the show on YouTube and, frankly, the judges seemed marginally more brutal than the prison officers in Orange is the New Black. Hopefully they just put that on for the cameras.
‘They’ll explain how the competition is going to work,’ Portia carried on. ‘And then we’ll get cracking on the first round. Exciting!’
She squealed and flicked her ponytail over her shoulder again.
Next to me, Amelia bounced on the balls of her feet, eager to get on with it. I rubbed my bump and wondered if I could fake going into labour just to escape.
‘Don’t even think about it,’ said Harry, giving me a poke in the side.
‘Ow,’ I hissed. ‘Stay out of my head.’ I hated it when she used her witchcraft to listen in to my thoughts.
Harry shrugged, unconcerned by my crossness.
‘Any questions before we start?’ said Portia.
‘Can we go home?’ I whispered.
Harry poked me again.
‘Lighten up, fatty,’ she said. ‘It’ll be fun, honest.’
‘Okay then,’ said Portia. ‘Let’s get cracking.’
The judges, of course, were completely terrifying. But at first, they seemed very nice. We lined up in front of them, outside the marquee, like children waiting to start detention. Which, in a way, I thought to myself, we were.
Up ahead of us, the two judges were chatting to a cameraman, who was explaining something about angles and close-ups, which gave us a chance to check them out before they came to check us out. The male judge was in his forties, very tall and broad-shouldered with dark hair, a neat moustache and soft brown eyes. I’d watched him on television, of course, but he was much more handsome in the flesh than I had expected him to be and that unsettled me.
The woman was older – in her sixties, I guessed. She had shoulder-length dark hair, flicked out at the ends and she was dressed in an unflattering wrap dress that made her boobs look enormous. She wasn’t the judge I’d expected – the one who was normally on the show.
‘I thought the female judge was that other woman,’ I hissed to Harry. ‘Martha whatsit. The one with the sharp platinum bob and the fabulous jackets.’
‘Martha Rowan,’ Harry whispered back. ‘She’s gone to Hollywood, would you believe? They’re making a film about her. This Lizzie is her replacement. I think she does some daytime cookery show, but I’ve never seen it.’
Portia overheard.
‘We were devastated to lose Martha,’ she said in a low voice. ‘She’s a national treasure and she’s brilliant for publicity. Everyone loves her so she goes on all the chat shows when we’re recording.’
A shadow crossed her face.
‘I’ve got to be honest, I’m not sure Lizzie’s got the same appeal.’
We all looked over to where the female judge was staring fiercely down the lens of the camera.
‘She presents Lunch Club,’ Portia carried on. ‘Have you seen it?’
Harry and I both shook our heads.
‘Nah, didn’t think you would have,’ Portia said. ‘Its fan base is mostly much older viewers. It’s actually where Martha started about twenty years ago, but she moved on to bigger and better shows and, erm, Lizzie stayed.’
She glanced round to make sure no one was listening.
‘Between you, me and the gatepost, Lizzie was the only presenter who was available at short notice.’
Harry gave Portia a reassuring smile.
‘She looks nice enough,’ she said. ‘I bet she’ll be great.’
‘I bloody well hope so,’ Portia said. Then, spotting that the judges were ready, she cleared her throat again.
‘Everyone,’ she said. ‘This is Peter Houston and Lizzie Cotton, your judges.’
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Amelia stand up a bit straighter. She was beginning to annoy me.
The judges both smiled at us all. No one smiled back.
‘I’m Peter,’ the man said. He had an Essex twang to his accent that made him seem just a normal person.
‘We know,’ said Amelia under her breath. Like I said, annoying.
‘And I’m Lizzie,’ said the woman with a friendly smile that lit up her whole face and made her look far less frumpy.
I relaxed slightly. They were very nice, really. Maybe we were all on the same side.
‘Are you all looking forward to getting baking?’ Lizzie carried on.
We all stood in silence.
‘No need to be so nervous,’ Peter said with a gruff laugh. ‘It’ll be fun.’
No one spoke.
This time Lizzie laughed too.
‘Oh dear,’ she said. ‘Maybe we should get started?’
I didn’t see how that was going to help us feel less nervous but it seemed I didn’t have much choice.
‘Here’s how it’s all going to work,’ Peter said. ‘It’s cake week, as you all know. So we’ll go into the marquee and you can familiarise yourselves with the equipment while we record some links. Then we’ll get started on the first challenge – which is a skills test. Later you’ll do your Great Bake challenge, which is your chance to really wow us.’
‘I know you’ve all been practising,’