as she was now learning was to concentrate instead on something practical, something achievable, something that did not involve her mourning what she could never have. So she changed the subject to say practically, ‘It was a good idea of yours to suggest that we donate Nasreen’s clothes to charity. We’ve had the most lovely letters from the various charities I contacted saying how grateful they are to receive such a donation in Nasreen’s name.’
He didn’t want to talk about Nasreen or her clothes or even the charities they were benefiting, Ash thought. He wanted to talk about them, about their child, about their future. But a newly pregnant Sophia must be protected and indulged, he decided, although he was unable to stop himself from pointing out, ‘Your idea to create scholarships in her memory was very generous, Sophia. By rights they should be in your name because Nasreen would certainly never have thought of doing anything so generous.’
‘I am happy to be generous on her behalf,’ Sophia assured him.
The truth was that she wanted peace for Ash more than she wanted to do something for Nasreen, especially now that she was carrying their child. And after all, wasn’t it only natural that as that child’s mother she wanted him or her to have the full commitment of his or her father without any darkness from the past overshadowing him? What she could not and would never ask Ash for, for her own benefit, she could and would, Sophia was beginning to realise very determinedly, work towards asking for their child. That was the nature of motherhood, was it not?
And the growing longing she was experiencing to feel emotionally closer to Ash, was that only because of her instinctive desire to secure a father’s love for her child? Why not? As a child herself she had known what it was to feel she had cause to doubt her father’s love for her and she certainly didn’t want that for her child. Wasn’t it only natural that she should be particularly anxious to ensure that her own child was loved by Ash? It was for their child that she wanted them to be close, not for herself. Ash, she felt, had been too hurt, too damaged, by what he saw as a failure within himself to ever come anywhere near risking breaking the vow he had made to keep their marriage emotion-free for its own safety. She would be a fool to allow herself to pin any dreams on that changing.
And did she want it to change?
The very fact that she couldn’t let herself answer her own question was a warning she needed to heed, Sophia told herself.
The gel that had been placed on her tummy by the radiographer in charge of the expensive new scanning equipment in Nailpur’s new hospital’s maternity wing felt cold, and Sophia gave a small gasp that had Ash looking sharply at her. She had been surprised but pleased when he had insisted on coming with her for her scan, but his protective concern wasn’t for her, she reminded herself. It was for their child, his child and heir. Not for her the tenderness of a husband who reached for her hand whilst the scan was in progress, sharing the special magic of the moment with her as it united them emotionally. Instead, Ash was standing slightly to one side of her, so that it was towards him and not her that the radiographer looked when she announced a little breathlessly, ‘Highness, the maharani is carrying twins—boy twins.’
There was no logical reason why the scent of Ash’s skin, as he leaned across her to look at the images on the screen being pointed out by the radiographer, should fill her with such an intense surge of emotional longing for the right to reach out and take hold of his hand and to have him look at her with the same mix of awe and disbelieving male pride in his gaze she could see he had for his sons. But she couldn’t deny the fact that it did. This should have been a special moment for them as parents but instead she felt as though she didn’t matter as herself, her only value in the room that was now rapidly filling up with medical personnel including the royal physician was as that of the woman who was carrying Nailpur’s precious heirs.
It made no difference either telling herself that she not only should have expected this but that as a royal princess in a convenient marriage she should also have been prepared for it. Her heart bumped heavily into her ribs. She was delighted to be pregnant, of course she was, but she also felt very alone just at a time when surely she most needed to feel valued and … And what? Cherished? Adored? Loved?
Her heart thumped again but no one else in the room including Ash himself seemed to notice or care. If only Ash would just look at her, just share this special time with her in some small private way, it would make all the difference, but instead he had his back to her as he talked with Dr Kumar. Could a man who could ignore his wife at such a special time give the sons he was so proud of creating right now the love that they would need, a true father’s love? The kind of love she herself had craved and been denied by her own father? Was it natural for a woman who had every reason to be on top of the world to feel so vulnerable and anxious, instead?
Ash didn’t dare allow himself to look at Sophia. That feeling he had of wanting to reach out to her and take hold of her hand instead of having to stand by and simply watch as the radiographer prepared her for the scan had unsettled him. It ran so counter to everything he expected from himself with regard to their relationship. It spoke of feelings he had no right to have. And then if that hadn’t been enough for him to have to deal with, there was his reaction to the news that they were to have twin sons. The surge of joy he had felt was natural and allowable. A man in his position would naturally feel such joy after all, but that other feeling … that surge of protective anxiety for Sophia herself? That was because he was concerned for her as the mother of his sons, that was all.
The medical staff were finally turning towards her, all beaming faces and delight for her, although it was to Ash that they spoke in answer to his brusque question about the risks attached to a twin pregnancy, as they reassured him that there was no cause for any concern, and that both babies were of similar, healthy weight and measurements.
On the face of it they could have been any couple confronted with the news that where they had expected confirmation of the conception of one child they were now having the double pleasure and excitement of realising that there were going to be two, Sophia acknowledged. She tried determinedly not to allow her own feelings of vulnerability to spoil what she wanted to be a happy moment for them both, even if she had to accept that it wasn’t going to be a moment that united them as a couple, as well as parents-to-be. It was just an upsurge of pregnancy hormones that was making her feel so vulnerable and so in need of Ash’s emotional support, a clever device invented by mother nature to ensure that a pregnant woman did everything she could to keep the father of the child she was carrying as close to her as she could. After all, in prehistoric times the survival of both her and her child would have depended on the willingness and the ability of the father to keep them safe and fed. It made her feel better to be able to give herself this rational explanation for feelings that had made her feel so vulnerable. And it stopped her wanting that physical and emotional closeness to Ash that had so caught her off guard, didn’t it?
She had her babies to think about now, not just herself. She was still learning what it meant to be Ash’s wife and to live by the rules he had imposed on their marriage, and the truth was that living by those rules didn’t come naturally or easily to someone who had always wanted to marry for love. Motherhood, on the other hand, and her feelings of maternal love and protection for the babies she was carrying, was as instinctive and as natural to her as breathing. Just like wanting to reach for Ash’s hand when she had had her scan. But that was forbidden.
How many other things would be forbidden under the complex barriers Ash had erected against love? Would those barriers come between him and his sons? Would they, too, be denied emotional intimacy with their father? Sophia gave a small shiver despite the sunny warmth of the airy room. She must not look for problems. She must be positive and she must be strong—for the sake of their babies.
‘There is no doubt that your people will welcome the arrival of your sons, Highness,’ the royal physician was saying.
Sons. Another unexpected pang gouged Sophia’s sensitive emotions. Had she been carrying daughters, how much of a solace might they have been to her as they grew up, members of her own sex with whom she might have had a special closeness that helped to alleviate the loneliness of being an unloved wife. Sons would be raised as future leaders of their people; sons would align themselves to their father. Sons