and not just put her symptoms into a search engine, maybe her baby would be alive.
The combined weight of what ifs and guilt felt as if it were crushing her.
‘As I have explained to your husband, you had what is termed a failed miscarriage. The complication came when an infection took hold, which caused the haemorrhage. Luckily we caught you before sepsis set in—that could have been very serious indeed. Look, I’ll leave you two to talk, but not for long. You need to rest and, as I told your husband, all being well you can go home in the morning.’
Lara watched the door close; the gentle click echoed in her brain, over and over.
‘I don’t feel anything,’ she said, dropping her head back on the pillow.
‘They gave you pain relief, I think.’
‘No, not that sort of feeling.’ She pressed a hand to her chest. ‘I don’t feel anything.’ She emphasised, ‘I’m empty, it’s like a vacuum.’
His eyes met hers, and the expression in them was guarded. Without warning, anger rushed into the vacuum she had spoken of, bubbling up.
‘Say what you’re thinking. You might as well, because it’s obvious. The only reason we’re together was the baby and now there is no baby, so there’s no reason for us to be together any more. Don’t worry, I’m not going to make a scene!’ she shrilled, to the private room, empty but for the two of them, before her eyes filled with tears.
The sight made Raoul surge forward but Lara held up her hands as if to ward him off as she hissed, ‘Don’t you dare feel sorry for me!’
Raoul subsided back into the chair pulled up beside the bed and dragged a hand through his dark hair. ‘I feel sorry...no, sad for us.’ And it was true—alongside the guilt that he carried like a second skin there was a sense of profound loss.
His response threw her, but only for a moment before she shook her head and choked out bitterly, ‘There is no us. You’re probably glad this happened!’
‘Don’t be ridiculous! I appreciate that I wasn’t the one who...the one who...’ Came close to losing my life. He couldn’t say the words but the acknowledgement of it added another layer to his guilt. ‘The one who went through the physical trauma, but the baby was mine too. We will both grieve, so doesn’t it make sense to you that we go through it together?’ It was a logical response, he told himself. ‘Who is better placed than me to know what you’re feeling?’
Her lips quivered. ‘I never thought I’d feel this way, but I wanted this baby... I really wanted this baby and it’s fine, I don’t expect you to understand.’
‘I wanted this baby too.’
‘Because you feel responsible, that’s all.’
‘I don’t want to be the last Di Vittorio. I have been surrounded by so much death and misery. A baby... I have been able to look into the future for the first time in years.’
‘I didn’t know you felt that way...’
He gave an odd laugh. ‘Neither did I. Look, life has kicked you, Lara, but you are strong, you will recover. I really don’t think you should make any decisions until then. Let me take care of you.’ It’s the least you can do, mocked the voice in his head, considering it’s your fault she’s lying there.
‘And when will that be?’
‘I wish I could tell you.’
‘And what then?’ she asked dully, thinking that if they were going to split up anyway, if he was just waiting until she was stronger, what was the point? She’d never be that strong. It was always going to hurt, so why not get the hurting over in one go?
‘That depends on what you want. The doctor says there is no reason we can’t try again.’
‘You’re suggesting...’
‘I’m suggesting we wait and see. Or would you rather go home to your family?’
Lara thought about seeing her sister with a healthy baby growing inside and shook her head.
‘And if it makes you feel better to yell at me, blame me, that’s fine. We will move on, and next time things—’
‘Next time if we...things could go wrong again.’
The fear in her voice felt like a hand tearing at his chest.
‘It’s too soon, just focus on getting better.’
She didn’t hear him. Lara was sound asleep.
* * *
The next morning, packed and waiting when he arrived, she was speaking on the phone. Conscious he was listening, she wound the conversation up as quickly as possible. ‘Bye, Mum, and sorry, speak soon, give my love to Lily.’
‘So when is she coming?’
Lara didn’t meet his eyes. ‘She isn’t,’ she said brightly.
He tensed. ‘So you are going there?’ He was afraid that if she went, she might not come back.
Raoul’s philosophy in life had always been simple: predict possible outcomes before they happen and plan accordingly. It had helped him survive his marriage from hell and now, for the first time, he could think of no plans, not one. Denial was the only option.
‘No.’ This response was even less distinct.
What the hell was going on? ‘Lara, will you look at me?’
With a heavy sigh Lara lifted her head, shaking back the curtain of burnished hair. ‘Don’t look at me like that. If you must know, I haven’t told her.’
Raoul, who had been reaching into his pocket to switch off his own vibrating phone, let his hand fall away and just stared at her.
‘You haven’t told her?’ She couldn’t possibly mean what it sounded like.
‘Well, I hadn’t told her I was pregnant, so I could hardly tell her I’d lost a baby she didn’t know existed.’
She screwed up her mouth, digging her teeth into her full lower lip as she pushed her hair behind her ears. The motion drew attention to the plaster on the back of her hand; the sight of it was an unwelcome reminder of the events of yesterday.
The flash of exasperation that tautened his sculpted features gave way to something between panic and tenderness as he watched a tear trace its way down her pale, smooth cheek.
Lara brushed the moisture away angrily and yelled, ‘Don’t look at me like that. It’s my decision and if you go behind my back and tell them I’ll never ever forgive you!’ Her chest heaving with the strength of the emotions that were tearing her apart, she poked a finger at him and added a quivering postscript, ‘I mean it, Raoul!’
‘So I see.’
Anger she could have dealt with, but the half-quizzical smile that suggested he was pleased she was yelling at him drove a stake through her carefully crafted façade, cracking it wide open.
‘Lily won’t tell me who the father is, so she’s keeping secrets too.’ The hurt she hadn’t even admitted to herself quivered in Lara’s voice and she rubbed her hands up and down her upper arms.
Raoul pulled off the jacket he was wearing and laid it across her shoulders, not fighting the impulse that made him kiss the top of her glossy, burnished head.
Lara lifted her head and sniffed. Her beautiful eyes were red-rimmed and swimming, her full lips quivering. ‘I w-want to be happy for her.’ She swallowed hard and bit her lip. ‘But I’m not a nice person. I just keep thinking, why should she get a baby and not me...why my baby...?’ She bent her head again and covered her face with her hands, mumbling through her fingers, ‘I must be a bad person.’
Her muffled words threatened to break through his control. Holding her would make