more than pain if we went down that road.”
“It’s too late. I’m down that road.”
“Then, understand I will never meet you there.”
His words sent a stab of pain straight through her, the kind of pain she had spent her life avoiding. She had laid herself bare to him, opened herself up, and he had rejected her. It was her deepest fear, and she was standing here in a hot, empty room, living it.
“I understand.”
She understood, but she could not accept it. Not now. Not any longer.
“We must return now,” he said. “We have a nation to rule. We can afford no more distractions.”
Olivia knew there was much she could no longer afford. But it had nothing to do with the kingdom.
She had found the strength to love him. Now she would have to find the strength to walk away.
* * *
When they walked back into the palace, the antechamber was empty. Their footsteps echoed on the marble floor. Olivia had been silent on the drive back from the desert, but that didn’t surprise Tarek. She was upset, but she would be fine. She had not come to Tahar for love. Had not married him for love. And so he had confidence she would survive the disappointment. And he would regroup. Rebuild. They would continue on as they had started. In that he was confident.
He would have to guard himself more closely, but he was able.
They didn’t need love. She was wrong about love. Love was pain.
Love was only pain.
He began to walk deeper into the palace and sensed that Olivia was not walking with him.
He paused, and turned. “Olivia?”
“I’m leaving.”
“What are you talking about?”
She shook her head. “I have to leave. I have to leave here. I have to leave you.”
“Don’t be foolish. You are not leaving me. You are my wife.” He had never expected to have a wife. And now, he could not imagine his life without one. Without her. Pain wrenched through him, and he pushed it back.
“I know. And I married you before the entire country. I made vows to you. Promises. But I didn’t know then what I wanted. I thought I could have a marriage like the one I’d had before. Where I asked for nothing, where I expected nothing in return. But that only works when I’m not really in love. You... I love you. And I need you to love me back. I deserve to be loved back.”
A red haze fell over his vision, any control he’d laid claim to over the past fifteen years deserting him in that moment. He strode toward her, his heart thundering hard. “You think you can leave me? Have you forgotten who I am? Have you forgotten what I am?”
“It’s you who have forgotten who you are. You’ve forgotten everything but the poison your brother put in your head. And I will not spend my life on the other side of your walls. I want more than that. I deserve more than that. You deserve more than that. Malik nearly destroyed Tahar with his indifference. And he tried to destroy you, too. But you would heal this country and never afford yourself the same. If they deserve it, your people, if this dust and rock you profess to love deserves it, why don’t you deserve it?” She was shouting now, screaming at him. All of her pristine, contained manner gone. “Fight for this. Fight for us. Please.”
“Wanting more leads to incredible acts of selfishness. As you are demonstrating right now.”
“I’m not a human sacrifice to be thrown on an altar. Maybe you’re right. Maybe this is selfish. Maybe I’m not being giving enough. But I would give you everything if you would let me. You just won’t let me. And I can’t...I can’t pretend that I don’t want more. I won’t sit here and let you kill me by inches with your indifference.”
“If there’s one thing I’m not, it’s indifferent. I want you. Isn’t that enough?”
“It isn’t enough. Because you don’t want me. You want a body. You want a woman to stand at your side and be your queen. I want to be loved. I’ve spent too many years trying to fill that void with other things, trying to shut out the ache so I wouldn’t be lonely. So I wouldn’t hurt. But I would rather be lonely than lie to myself. I would rather hurt than hide.”
He couldn’t breathe. Felt as if he was being held down, subjected to a blade beneath his skin again. “Then, go,” he said.
She blinked those blue eyes that hours ago he’d been thinking of as his horizon line. “What?”
“Get out. If you don’t want this, then get out. There are plenty of women willing to marry a sheikh. I don’t need to have an heir with you. If this won’t make you happy, then leave. I will not hold you prisoner. You said you would never send me away. I made no such promises to you.”
“And if there’s a baby already?” she asked, tilting her chin up in the air.
“Then, we will handle it.” His stomach tightened and he fought to maintain a streamlined hold on his emotions. Anger was all he needed to feel now. There was no room for doubt, no room for hurt. “Now, get out.”
“Tarek—”
“Get out!” he roared at her, not caring that she was undeserving of his rage. Not caring that he had brought this on himself. He was the sheikh. For the first time he would own that. For the first time he would take true command.
She didn’t shrink; she didn’t pale. Rather, she nodded her head slowly, as regal as the first moment he had seen her. Then she turned and walked out of the room.
Blinding, burning pain flashed through his chest, and he dropped to his knees.
Olivia was gone. Olivia was leaving him. The woman he’d never imagined he’d want. The woman who had become everything. She was gone.
And there was only pain.
* * *
Two hours later the car that was carrying his wife departed the palace. Tarek went to his room, locking the door behind him, pacing the length of the space, his heart pounding so hard he was sick with it.
He would not keep her here. He could not.
He also knew he could not hold her while clinging to his control. While keeping an eye on his goal. His people needed a leader who would cast aside all earthly pleasures, who would give of himself wholly. He could not do that while clinging to Olivia.
He stripped his clothes off, pacing awhile longer before lying down in his bed. He would sleep alone tonight. As he had every night. And as he would every night after.
He craved Olivia. There was no denying it. He was as weak as any man when it came to desire for a woman’s body. A sobering realization. At least she was gone now and he would no longer be a slave to his needs.
He finally drifted into sleep, but it was restless, filled with nightmares, ghosts of the past. Searing pain. Visions of the torture that had gone on within the palace walls. Visions that had been absent ever since Olivia had become a true part of his life.
He sat up, his torso drenched with sweat, shaking.
He swung his legs over the side of the bed, walked over to the window and looked out at the inky black desert. The moon was high in the sky, casting a pale glow on the sand. Such a desolate place, the desert. His kingdom.
It had seemed less so when she was here.
When she was here it was more like the years before Malik. More like when his parents had been alive.
Pain blasted him again, shooting through his skull. He didn’t allow himself to have these memories, and his body accommodated him. Because it hurt too much. Because he loved her too much.
He thought of Malik, inflicting wound after wound on his body. All