The Dare Collection February 2019. Nicola Marsh

I challenge, needing to hear her say it.

      She sighs softly and there’s sympathy in her expression. Sympathy I don’t want. ‘Because you won a bad case for a bad guy.’

      I stiffen.

      ‘I know you can’t talk about it.’ She’s so beautiful. Her face is softened by the words she’s delivering. She’s afraid of hurting me. ‘You can’t tell me certain things, I get that. But I’m saying what I think. He’s guilty. He killed that poor girl, a girl just like I was, days away from setting off on a huge adventure. And I believe you took the case on for all the noble reasons you’ve espoused. Yes, he deserved a good defence. He deserved to have someone fight for him in court. You’re right. That’s how our justice system works and it’s important. But he didn’t deserve to be found not guilty. The system failed. You were too good at your job, and the prosecution wasn’t good enough. But innocent and guilty isn’t like a bad call in a game of football. This really matters.’

      ‘I’m aware of that.’ The words come out unintentionally cold.

      She continues in the face of my rejection. ‘This will be like OJ. It’s not going to blow over. It’s not like hiding here in London, playing professor for a term, is going to wipe any of this from anyone’s memory. It’s a big deal. You’re a big deal. You and Donovan are linked. This case is a part of you. And you hate that.’

      Her words are slicing into me, each syllable cutting deeper and deeper. She’s pouring her truth into my soul, but I can’t say with any clarity if it’s my truth, too. Or if it’s just what I wish were the case.

      ‘But it doesn’t have to define your future. If you don’t like the way winning Donovan felt, don’t win any more. Don’t fight those cases. Don’t be that guy.’

      A laugh strangles my throat. I shake my head and then I cave, lifting my hand and cupping her cheek. ‘It’s so easy for you, Olivia.’ I don’t mean the words to sound patronising. It’s an anger that’s directed at myself, not her. ‘You, with your simple, happy outlook on life. With your “good is good and bad is bad” mentality. You think I should just change what I do? When what I do is who I am?’

      Her eyes have softened with sympathy. I don’t want sympathy. ‘Who you are is a good man. What you do is practise law. You can do and be both those things without defending the Donovans of the world.’

      ‘It’s who I am,’ I repeat, the words heavy in the small living space of her run-down flat. ‘I thought fucking you could change that. I thought you could be a gateway to a new life. But leopards don’t change their spots. I’m sure as hell not capable of change.’

      She blinks, her expression showing confusion.

      ‘Fucking me isn’t what you hoped would change you. It was all of this. You came to London because you didn’t want to be the defender of men like Donovan any more. You came here because you’re running from who you are. I’m just a part of that.’

      ‘No! You’re all of that. You’re so fucking good, Olivia! You’re some kind of angel. I actually thought that being with you could give me some kind of fucking redemption. Or clarity. Something. But all it’s done is put your future in jeopardy. See? Even when I’m trying to be good, I fuck it up.’

      ‘Wait a second,’ she says, frowning. ‘What’s in jeopardy?’

      ‘Nothing!’ I’m exasperated. ‘But that thing with Dash could have been a disaster. That was a bullshit thing to do to you. You were right to be pissed about it. What if he found out about us, Olivia? What then? You’d have lost your shot at the CPS—see? My decision, my mistake. You’re all good. I’m not. I did what you explicitly asked me not to and it could have ruined everything you’ve been working towards.’

      She swallows, her beautiful, delicate throat knotting so that I see her pain and feel it lodge inside me. ‘But he didn’t find out,’ she says with a simplicity neither of us feels.

      ‘That’s beside the point!’ I drop my hand and step back from her. ‘I did what I wanted without thinking about what was good for you. Sooner or later, this will be bad for you, Olivia.’

      She shakes her head.

      God, she’s fighting this and now that I’ve seen the truth of our situation I can’t ignore it. I want her, I want to pretend this is fine. But I can’t.

      ‘I came here to say goodbye.’