He sat up, too. “What?”
“I need to explain to you why I’m the way I am. You know, my need to be in control of myself at all times. Especially in bed.”
“Clare, you don’t have to explain.”
“No, I do. I want you to understand.” She took his hand between her two and squeezed it. “I trust you.”
The smile he flashed her made her feel all warm inside. She was starting to believe that he genuinely cared about her. Which was awful, of course, and wonderful. And she didn’t have a clue what to do about it.
One step at a time, Clare.
“This happened a long time ago, at my first job out of nursing school. Before I started working at the hospital I worked very briefly at an OB-GYN practice. It was my first real job besides working on my parents’ farm and I was incredibly naive. One of the doctors sort of took me under his wing. Then into his bed.”
Parker looked pained, but stayed quiet.
“He was older, and way more sophisticated. I felt so honored that he picked me. For a month he was my entire world. We had to keep it a secret, of course. For my sake, he said. So it wouldn’t look like favoritism. I thought we were falling in love, then his pregnant wife showed up at the office.”
Parker mumbled a curse. “I take it you didn’t know he was married?”
She shook her head. “He never talked about her, or even had a picture in his office. I didn’t have a clue. Needless to say I ended it the second she was gone. I never would have gone near him if I knew. He came on strong and was so persistent.”
“And I did the same damn thing, didn’t I?” His laugh was a wry one. “All the time I thought I was being charming, you thought I was a total creep.”
She cracked a smile. “Well, not a total creep.”
“I’m really sorry, Clare.”
“There’s no way you could have known. Besides, I’m not the person now that I was back then. I’d been so sheltered up to that point. My family is really big and very traditional. My parents wouldn’t even talk about letting me date until I was seventeen, and by then I was cramming to get on the honor list so I could get a scholarship and get the hell out of there. Nursing school was brutal, so I spent most of my time studying. I didn’t have much experience with boys, and I had virtually no experience with men. It never even occurred to me that a married man would initiate an intimate relationship. Where I was from men didn’t do that sort of thing. Or if they did, no one talked about it.”
“So what happened? Did the pregnant wife find out?”
“She found an old text that he’d saved. A very personal and explicit text.”
“You were sexting.”
She nodded. “She was not happy about it. It was a huge blowout. He said that I seduced him. Needless to say I lost my job. And my dignity. No one believed me when I said I didn’t know he was married.”
“It wasn’t your fault.”
“Most people didn’t see it that way, my family included. I was devastated and I needed someone to talk to. My aunt was away on business and I couldn’t get ahold of her. I called my sister Sue instead. Growing up, she was the one I was closest to. I made her swear that she would take it to the grave. Two minutes after we hung up my mother called in hysterics. She said that I should have known better and I should come right back to the ranch where I belonged. I was a simple country girl and people would always try to take advantage of me. And it was high time I realized that I would never make it on my own, and I needed my family. She wouldn’t even let me try to explain. She ended the conversation by saying how disappointed she was in me.”
“That’s a tough one,” he said.
“It gets worse. My dad called me later that day to say that the family had had a meeting and everyone agreed that I had to come home.”
His eyes went wide. “Your mom told the whole family?”
Clare nodded. “Of course I told my dad no, I wouldn’t be coming home. I was too ashamed and mortified to show my face. No one even bothered to ask if I was okay. Then my siblings started calling me, trying to shame me into coming back home, saying how much everyone missed me. It’s horrible when everyone you love and care about turns their back on you. I was devastated.”
“You had every right to be. They betrayed your trust.”
“They would tell you that I betrayed theirs.”
“They’re dead wrong. And shame on your brothers and sisters for not being there for you.”
“Aunt Kay was the only one who believed me. Who cared. She invited me to come stay with her until I was back on my feet. I spent most of the first month in bed. But Kay was friends with the hospital administrator at Royal Memorial and she got me an interview. I didn’t want to go, but she insisted. It was probably the best thing she could have done for me. With work to focus on I was able to put what happened behind me. Originally I had planned to get my own place, but we realized that it didn’t make sense. Kay only uses the house as a home base when she isn’t traveling, which isn’t very often. She likes having someone here to keep an eye on things. It ended up being a perfect situation for both of us.”
He shook his head, looking baffled. “I don’t even know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything. Besides, I’m not finished.”
“It gets worse?”
“I’ve only ever told Aunt Kay, because I knew she of all people would understand. It’s very difficult to talk about the things that he did to me. But I have to tell you.”
He looked pained. “You don’t have to tell me.”
She took a deep breath and blew it out, trembling from head to toe. “No, I want to. I need to.”
He put his hand on her shoulder. “Only if you’re ready.”
“He was my first. And I know that sounds crazy considering my age, but I wanted to save myself for someone special. It’s how I was raised. I honestly thought he was the one. That’s why I let him do what he wanted to do.”
“Which was?”
She swallowed hard. You can do this. “He liked it...rough.”
Parker winced. “But not your first time. Right?”
Though she wanted to bow her head in shame, she held it high instead. “He didn’t force me, and I could have said no, but I was so head over heels for him, I would have done anything he asked. Even though it terrified me. He got off on my fear.”
Looking confused, Parker asked, “So, am I to understand that every time you had sex with him, you were scared? Or am I way off base?”
She took a deep breath and blew it out. “Every time. Some more than others. It depended on his mood. Near the end of the relationship he had begun to get very aggressive. And again, I could have walked away. I chose to stay.”
“This doctor have a name?” Parker asked, jaw clenched. “In honor of your dignity and self-respect, I’d like to kick his teeth in.”
“He wouldn’t be worth the effort. He was a sleazebag. He’ll probably always be one. It was just poor judgment on my part.”
“Listen to me,” Parker said, gently cradling her face in his hands. “It’s not your fault.”
She folded her hands over his. “I know that now, but it still stings after all this time. I’m still humiliated. Without fail, every time I’m visiting the farm someone makes a snide remark about the relationship. They’ll never let me live it down.”
“You’re giving them way too much power,” he said.
“Probably.