as Vivienne snipped the last thread Izzy had one more go.
‘Is there anyone you can talk to? A friend perhaps...’
‘You really don’t get it, do you?’
Except Izzy did.
‘I don’t have friends! At least, none of my choosing.’
Evelyn struck a dignified pose as she swung her legs down from the gurney and Izzy recognised the glare in her eyes only too well, because she had shot out that look many times before if anyone had dared so much as to assume that her life was less than perfect.
‘Do I need to sign anything?’ Evelyn asked.
‘No.’ Izzy shook her head. ‘If you...’ She looked at Evelyn and her voice trailed off. Evelyn’s decision to stay wasn’t going to change, not till her son’s future was taken care of. Izzy just hoped to God she’d survive that year. ‘When was your last tetanus?’
‘I had one...’ Evelyn swung her bag over her shoulder ‘...six weeks ago.’
I’ll bet she did, Izzy thought as she stood there, clearing the trolley. She could see her hands shaking as she disposed of the sharps and as Evelyn left Theatre, Izzy had to bite on her lip as the young nurse’s disbelieving voice filled the still room.
‘Straight back to him...’ Her voice was incredulous. ‘Why doesn’t she just lea—’ And then Vivienne’s voice abruptly halted as perhaps she remembered who she was talking to and what had had happened the night Izzy had tried to just leave.
‘She has her reasons,’ Izzy said. ‘And, frankly, if that’s your attitude, she’s hardly likely to share them with you.’
‘I’m sorry, Izzy.’
And she could have left it there, but Izzy chose not to. Vivienne was thinking of a career in Emergency and, well, it was time she faced a few home truths.
‘You’re a nurse,’ Izzy said, and her voice wobbled with long-held-in emotion, ‘not the bloody jury. Remember that when you’re dealing with patients in Emergency.’
Her shift was nearly over and all she wanted was out, so she left the messy trolley and was tempted to just go to the lockers and get out of there. She was angry and close to tears and there was Evelyn walking out of the department, her husband’s arm around her. Then he stopped and fished his phone from his jacket and took a call, and Evelyn patiently waited then she turned and for a second. For just a teeny second their eyes locked and and it was the secret handshake, the password, the club, and
Evelyn’s expression changed as she realised her doctor was a fully paid up member...
‘Mrs Harris...’ Izzy scribbled down her mobile number on a head injury information chart and walked briskly over. ‘Sorry.’ Izzy gave a busy shrug. ‘I forgot to give you this. Here’s your head injury instructions, have a read through...’
‘Thank you.’
‘And watch out for that cat!’ Izzy added, then gave a vague smile at Evelyn and one to her husband before they walked off into the night. Izzy’s heart was thumping, not sure what she had just done and not sure what she would even do if Evelyn did call.
She just wanted to do something.
‘Izzy!’
That Spanish voice was too nice for her mood right now.
‘Can I ask a favour?’ Diego gave her a smile as he poked his head out of a cubicle, but she didn’t return it.
‘I’m about to go off duty.’
‘I was off duty forty minutes ago and I’m back on in the morning.’ Diego wasn’t quite so nice now. One of his mums was about to tip into trouble, the mother of one his precious babies no less. He had spent two hours dealing with red tape, trying to get hold of her GP to fax a prescription, to no avail, or to get a doctor on NICU to see Maria, but of course she wasn’t actually a patient at the hospital.
Yet!
Maria was growing more agitated by the minute and no one seemed to give a damn. ‘I have a woman who gave birth four days ago, following twenty-four hours of labour. Her child has multiple anomalies, she has hardly slept since her baby was born and she and her husband have driven one hundred miles today as there was no room for them in the helicopter.’ Oh, he told her, even if it was Izzy, he told her, even as she opened her mouth to say that she’d see the patient, still he told her, because Diego knew Izzy was far better than that. ‘Now she can’t settle and is doing her best not to go into meltdown. Can I get a doctor to prescribe me some sedation?’
‘I’m sorry, okay?’ Izzy’s apology was instant and genuine—she had never been one to dash off at the end of her shift, but Evelyn had unsettled her, not to mention Diego. She was having great trouble keeping her mask from slipping, but it wasn’t the patients’ fault. ‘Of course I’ll see her.’
Maria was agitated and pacing and the very last thing she needed was endless questions and an examination, and Izzy could see that. Diego had given her a good brief and on gentle questioning Izzy found out what medications the patient was on.
‘If I could just get some sleep,’ Maria pleaded, and Izzy nodded.
‘I’ll be back in just a moment.’
She was and so too was a nurse from the neonatal unit to relieve Diego.
‘Take two tablets now,’ Izzy said, and gave the handover nurse the rest of the bottle. ‘She can have two more at two a.m., but don’t wake her if she’s resting. Will someone be able to check her?’
‘Absolutely,’ Diego said. ‘Maria’s staying in the parents’ wing, but I’ll get my staff to pop in and see her through the night.’
‘I’m sure,’ Izzy said to her patient, ‘that once you’ve had a decent rest you’ll be feeling a lot better. I’m on in the morning,’ Izzy added, writing some notes. ‘If Maria doesn’t settle,’ Izzy added to the nurse, ‘she’ll need to come back down to us.’
It was straightforward and simple and as the nurse took Maria back up to the ward, Diego thanked her.
‘I’m sorry if I came on strong.’
‘Not at all,’ Izzy said. ‘She needed to be seen. It’s just been a...’ She stopped talking; he didn’t need to hear about her difficult shift, so she gave him a brief smile and walked on.
Except Diego was going off duty too.
‘How’s faking it going?’ Had he fallen into step beside her that morning, or even an hour ago, Izzy would have managed a laugh and a witty retort, but even a smile seemed like hard work right now, so she just hitched her bag up higher and walked more briskly through the sliding doors and into the ambulance forecourt. But Diego’s legs were longer than hers, and he kept up easily.
‘Izzy, I was wondering....’
‘Do you mind?’ She put up her hand to stop him talking, gave an incredulous shake of her head. What was it with people today that they couldn’t take a hint if she stood there and semaphored them? ‘I just want...’ Oh, God, she was going to cry.
Not here.
Not now.
She hadn’t yet cried.
Oh, there had been some tears, but Izzy had been too scared to really cry, to break down, because if she did, maybe she wouldn’t stop.
Scared that if she showed her agony to others they would run when they saw the real her, and scared to do it alone because it was so big, this black, ever-moving shape that had no clear edges, that grew and shrank and transformed.
But she couldn’t outrun that black cloud tonight.
She was trying not to cry, trying to breathe and trying to walk away from him to get to her car, as she had tried to that awful night.
No,