unprepared for.
Callum was evoking a whole host of memories. Most of which were good. Some of which were distinctly edged with tinges of pink—the way all teenage first-love memories were.
It was a little unsettling. Not just seeing Callum but the whole host of what-ifs that had her flooded her mind afterwards—some of which had permeated her dreams.
What if she’d married Callum? What would her life have been like? Would they still have been together after all this time?
She tried to push the thoughts away. It felt disloyal. Disloyal to the memory of her husband, Daniel, and her little boy, Lewis.
Daniel had been the love of her life. She’d been blissfully happy. she’d thought they’d grow old together. She’d expected them to grow old together.
But as much as she’d loved Daniel, the loss of Lewis was even worse. As if someone had ripped her heart right out of her chest and squeezed it until every last drop of blood was gone.
The pain had almost killed her.
Maybe that was why her brain was drifting into unchartered territories. If she’d stayed with Callum, Daniel and Lewis would never have featured in her life.
She would never have suffered such torment and hurt at their loss. She wouldn’t have found herself wondering if she wanted to go on. To live a life without them.
Maybe Callum was a safe memory.
She opened her eyes, looking around to see if anyone had noticed her hunched over the keyboard. Two of the nurses were standing at the door of one of the rooms but they hadn’t noticed a thing.
Her pager sounded and she was on her feet instantly. ITU. She had three kids in there right now. The baby with chickenpox and Marcus and Lily from the accident. She started saying silent prayers in her head as she walked swiftly down the corridor. She looked around. It was the dead of night and there was no one else about so she took off. her soft running footsteps echoed up and down the passages of the long building until she reached the doors and squirted her hands with gel before entering.
The doors swung open. The steady whoosh-whoosh of the ventilators was the first thing that she heard whenever she stepped inside. In most instances it was a soothing sound, often not reflecting the serious condition of the patients inside. She took a quick look around the unit. It was brighter than the rest of the hospital, even though some of lights were dimmed.
She recognised a figure next to Lily’s bed and walked over quickly. Pauline, the sister in ITU, was great. She’d been there for ten years, had a whole wealth of experience and, more importantly, good instincts. Jessica trusted her judgement, and she also valued her friendship. She’d been a pillar of strength for Jess in the last few years.
‘What’s up, Pauline?’
Pauline shook her head. ‘She’s gone from bradycardic and hypothermic to the opposite. Tachycardic and high temp. Isn’t it amazing how kids go from one extreme to the other?’
Jessica cast her eyes over the monitor. Thirty-six hours ago Lily had had a heart rate of fifty and now it was one hundred and sixty. ‘Darn it. The ECMO should be keeping her heart rate and temperature steady. She must have an infection somewhere. How’s her suctioning been?’
Pauline’s lips pressed together. She hated it as much as Jess did when kids got sicker. ‘She’s been suctioned every four hours and there’s been no increase in her secretions.’
Jessica rolled her shoulders back, trying to relieve the tension in her neck and shoulders. Everyone knew that ECMO could have complications—bleeding, infections, neurological damage and kidney damage.
Jessica unwound the pink stethoscope from her neck. ‘I’ll have a little listen to her chest. It was clear earlier and her chest X-ray was fine, but you know how things can change.’
She placed her stethoscope on Lily’s little chest and listened for a few seconds then frowned. ‘I can hear crackles in her lungs. Can I have her chart? I’ll get her started on IV antibiotics right away.’ She scribbled on the chart handed to her. ‘Are you okay to make these up or do you want me to do it?’
Most of the nurses in ITU had extended roles. The IV antibiotics could be sent up from the hospital pharmacy but that would take time. Time that Lily essentially didn’t have. Pauline nodded her head. ‘It’s fine. I’ll do it. It will only take a few minutes.’
Jessica continued to make a few notes. ‘I’m asking for another chest X-ray. I want to see if there’s any change from this morning. And I’ll be about for the next few hours. Let me know if you have any concerns.’
‘Not planning on having any sleep tonight, Jess? You know that’s not good for you.’ There was concern in Pauline’s voice. And it was sincere—she always tried to look out for Jess.
Jess just gave her a little smile and kept writing. Sometimes she just liked to keep her head down.
‘I meant to ask you, how do you know Callum?’
The question took her by surprise. she felt on guard, even with a woman she’d always trusted. But Pauline’s face was open and friendly. ‘Callum Kennedy?’ she asked.
‘Yeah, the fireman—the rope rescue guy. He was on the phone earlier, enquiring after the kids. He knows we can’t give him any specific details. He just wanted to check everything was okay. Apparently he was in yesterday too. The staff say he’s gorgeous.’
Callum was in here yesterday? Why hadn’t she known that? ‘What did he say?’
Pauline’s eyebrows rose. ‘He said you went way back—that you were old friends.’
She was obviously piquing Pauline’s interest, and it made her wish she hadn’t asked. Jessica felt the colour flare into her cheeks. What on earth was wrong with her? Callum was a good-looking guy and in a gossip hive like a hospital it was obvious people would comment.
Pauline was still talking as she adjusted the controls on Lily’s monitors. ‘Even David knows him. Says he’s played five-a-side football against him. Apparently he’s single.’ She gave a little laugh. ‘He also says the firefighter football team are a bunch of break-your-leg animals. He says he always volunteers to be goalie when they play against them.’
David. The solitary male staff nurse in ITU who was usually the butt of everyone’s jokes. Just as well he was fit for it. He always gave as good as he got. And it was good to have a male in a predominantly female environment. Some babies responded better to a male voice—even seemed to be soothed by it.
And he always told any little boy who woke up scared and ventilated in ITU that the same thing had happened to him as a kid.
Some people were just destined to work with children.
Then again, David had just given her a vital piece of information. Callum was single. It seemed ridiculous. He was a gorgeous man, with a good job, and was fun to be around. Women would be beating a path to his door. Why on earth was he single? And, more importantly, why would she care?
‘Jess? What’s wrong?’
‘Nothing. Nothing’s wrong.’ She could hardly look Pauline in the eye. Pauline was too perceptive by half. Her cheeks were practically bursting. She felt like some crazy teenager again.
‘Jess, honey, no one would ever dare say these words to you. But I will because I care about you. Things are looking easier for you, Jess. Your mood has lifted, you don’t have quite as many dark circles under your eyes. And once you start eating again…’
‘What do you mean, Pauline?’
Pauline bit her lip. ‘I mean that if you and Callum have history, good history, that might be a good thing.’ She hesitated then continued, ‘It might be something to embrace instead of run away from.’
‘You think I run away from things?’
Pauline