former girlfriend of mine got in the middle of it, making things worse, and he shoved her, knocking her right off her feet.” Jadon’s lips thinned. “I didn’t blame her when she broke off our relationship.”
Dear heaven. She could only imagine. Yet she didn’t like his fatalistic attitude. “So where does that leave us?”
He slowly shook his head. “I don’t know. Jack is my responsibility, not yours. I don’t want the same thing that happened to my parents to happen to us.”
She wanted to be glad Jadon had finally opened up about his feelings, admitting he at least cared for her, but her thrill of hope was overshadowed by his news.
Could she really live with the stress he described? On top of having preemie twins? She honestly wasn’t sure.
“I stopped by the hospital on my way home,” he said. “Gretchen looks so much better with her mask off.”
Alyssa nodded, grateful for the change in subject. “Yes, she does. I’m relieved both girls are doing well. If they don’t have any more complications, and continue to gain weight, Dr. Downer thought they’d probably come home by Christmas.”
“The perfect Christmas present,” Jadon said with a smile.
She couldn’t smile back, already thinking of how Jadon would want to go home to see his family for Christmas. Without her and their daughters. Deep down, she could admit that while she’d been determined to be happy raising the girls alone, she’d also secretly wanted a traditional two-parent family. But Jadon wasn’t free to be a part of her family. Not the way she wanted. The magnitude of their problems seemed greater and greater.
“Alyssa, I know I don’t have much to offer you, but I’d still like to take you back to my house.”
Earlier, she’d wanted nothing more than to go back with Jadon. Had been upset that he’d left her again. But now she wanted more than their half relationship.
She wanted it all. She wanted love and commitment.
“I’m sorry, Jadon. But I can’t. Not right now.” Maybe not ever, if he wasn’t willing to try.
He stared at her for a long moment. “Alyssa, you don’t even have a bed to sleep in. At least come back to my place so you can get some rest.”
She shook her head. “I’m fine here, really. And I have my car, too. Please understand, I need time. Time to assimilate what you’ve told me.”
He dropped his head in his hands in apparent defeat. “All right. But please call me. No matter what you need.”
“I will.”
Jadon slowly stood and moved toward the doorway. He stopped, glanced back at her as if he wanted to say something, but then remained silent as he let himself out of her apartment, gently closing the door behind him.
Alyssa stretched out on the sofa, feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. A twin brother with emotional disturbances. No wonder Jadon rarely talked about his feelings. He’d probably learned early on to repress his emotions when his brother was acting out. She’d fallen in love with him, but Jadon hadn’t said anything about love. He was certainly a pro at handling responsibility, though.
She and the babies were just more responsibilities for him to deal with.
Jadon drove back to his house, feeling sick again. His idea of keeping his two families separate had seemed like a good compromise, but the anxious expression in Alyssa’s eyes when he’d told her about Jack’s problems convinced him he’d been right all along. The stress would be too much.
Deep down, he knew it was better that he’d come clean with the truth.
He cared about her too much to expose her to the same problems his parents had faced.
And as much as he wanted nothing more than to be with Alyssa, to watch Grace and Gretchen as they grew, he couldn’t renounce his brother.
Jack was his responsibility, too.
Did he have to give up one family to care for the other?
He pulled into his driveway, trudging up to the cold, empty house.
An impossible situation, no matter which way he looked at it.
Jadon didn’t get much sleep. Using his palms to rub the grit from his burning eyes, he staggered to the bathroom, hoping a shower would make a difference in how he felt.
No such luck.
On the way out of the shower, he stopped outside the new nursery, a wave of hopelessness overwhelming him. Would he and Alyssa have to agree to some sort of joint-custody arrangement? He couldn’t imagine she’d do that willingly, and how could he push the issue when the twins were still so small?
He turned away from the smiling ballerinas in the pictures hanging over the two cribs, set against pale pink walls he’d painted late into the middle of the night as a surprise for Alyssa. It hurt to remember how excited he’d been, how he’d agonized over the decor, hoping and praying Alyssa would like what he’d done. For her. For their family.
Talk about being in a state of denial. Fantasizing about having a family with Alyssa had been nothing more than an idealistic dream. How could he have forgotten, even for a moment, the impact of Jack’s illness?
He turned away from the cheerful nursery to head into the kitchen. His appetite had disappeared so he settled for a cup of coffee, sipping out of his mug and staring sightlessly outside. The snow from last night had stopped, and the warmth of the sun had burned away the clouds, glimmering brightly off the newly fallen snow.
If only the sun could warm his heart, too.
As he was scheduled to work nights, he decided to go to the hospital early to visit the girls, figuring he could try to get some sleep later.
The drive to Cedar Bluff Hospital was short and within fifteen minutes he walked into the nursery, not entirely surprised to see Alyssa had already arrived. The rapt expression on her face was so poignantly serene as she rocked back and forth, nursing Grace, it stopped him in his tracks.
His chest tightened painfully, making it difficult to breathe. She’d never looked so beautiful.
So content.
He loved her. The knowledge hit like a truckload of Christmas trees. Good grief, he loved her. Loved Alyssa with all his heart and soul. Had begun to fall in love with her even before he’d had to leave to rescue Jack all those months ago. The idea that he could be intimate with her and yet keep his heart isolated from her was laughable.
She was everything he’d wanted in a wife, a mother for his children.
And in some dark region of his mind he realized the best thing he could do for her, and for Grace and Gretchen, was to provide for them financially while keeping them far away from the impact of his messed-up family.
Which meant keeping them distant from himself, too.
Alyssa felt Jadon’s gaze and glanced up from where Grace was successfully nursing to look at him.
The admiration in his heated glance made her mouth go dry. For a moment they stared at each other, but then he broke the connection, looking away, and the expression was gone.
Had she imagined it? She didn’t think so.
She swallowed hard and glanced back down at Grace, confused all over again. She’d pretty much made up her mind to accept losing Jadon and the family she’d always wanted.
But now she wasn’t so sure.
“Gracie