thing to do, despite what she was feeling inside.
She considered cancelling. Calling him and apologising. Telling him that an emergency had cropped up. But then she’d realised that if she did she would still have to meet him again at some point. It was best to get it over and done with straight away. Less dilly-dallying. Besides, she didn’t want to let Anna down. She was a good kid.
She held her house keys in her hand for a moment longer, debating with her inner conscience, and her gaze naturally strayed to a photograph of Olivia. She was standing with her head back, looking up to the sun, her eyes closed, smiling at the feel of warmth on her face. It was one of Sydney’s favourite pictures: Olivia embracing the warmth of the sun.
She always enjoyed life. Even the small things.
Sydney stepped outside and locked up the cottage. She needed to drive to Nathan’s house. The new estate and the road he lived on was about two miles away.
It was interesting to drive through the new builds. The houses were very modern, in bright brick, with cool grey slate tiles on their roofs and shiny white UPVC windows. They were uniformly identical, but she could see Nathan’s muddy jalopy parked on his driveway and she pulled in behind it, letting out a breath. Releasing her nerves.
I can do this!
She strode up to the front door, trying to look businesslike, hoping that no one could see how nervous she suddenly felt inside. She rang the bell and let out a huge breath, trying to calm her scattered nerves.
The door opened and Nathan stood there. Smiling. ‘Sydney—hi. Come on in.’ he stepped back.
Reluctant to enter his home, and therefore create feelings of intimacy, she stepped back. ‘Erm…shouldn’t we just be off? I told the owners we’d be there in about ten minutes.’
‘I’m just waiting for Anna to finish getting ready. You know what young girls are like.’
She watched his cheeks colour as he realised what he’d said, and to let him off the hook decided to step in, but keeping herself as far away from him physically as she could.
‘I do…yes. Anna?’ she called up the stairs.
Sydney heard some thumps and bumps and then Anna was at the top of the stairs. ‘Hi, Sydney! I can’t decide what to wear. Could you help me? Please?’
Anna wheedled out the last word, giving the cutest face that she could.
The look was so reminiscent of Olivia that Sydney had to catch her breath.
‘Erm…’ she glanced at Nathan, who shrugged.
‘By all means…’
‘Right.’
Sydney ascended the stairs, feeling sweat break out down her spine. She turned at the top and went into Anna’s room. Her breath was taken away by how girly it was. A palace of pink. A pink feather boa hung over the mirror on a dresser, there were fairy lights around the headboard, bubblegum-coloured beanbags, a blush-pink carpet and curtains, a hammock in the corner filled with all manner of soft, cuddly toys and a patchwork quilt upon the bed.
And in front of a large pink wardrobe that had a crenelated top, like a castle, Anna stood, one hand on one hip, the other tapping her finger against her lips.
‘I’ve never ridden a donkey. Or a horse! I don’t know what would be best.’
Sydney swallowed hard as she eyed the plethora of clothes in every colour under the sun. ‘Erm…something you don’t mind getting dirty. Trousers or jeans. And a tee shirt? Maybe a jumper?’
Anna pulled out a mulberry-coloured jumper that was quite a thick knit, with cabling down the front. ‘Like this?’
Syd nodded. ‘Perfect. Trousers?’
‘I have these.’ Anna pulled a pair of jeans from a pile. They had some diamanté sequins sewn around the pockets. ‘And this?’ She pointed at the tee shirt she was already wearing.
‘Those will be great. I’ll go downstairs whilst you’re getting dressed.’
‘Could you help me, Sydney? I can never do the buttons.’
Sydney stood awkwardly whilst Anna changed her clothes, and then knelt in front of the little girl to help her do up her clothes. It had been ages since she’d had to do this. Olivia had always struggled with buttons. These two girls might almost have been made out of the same mould. Of course there were so differences between the girls, but sometimes the similarities were disturbing. Painful.
She stood up again. ‘Ready?’
Anna nodded and dashed by her to run downstairs. ‘I’ll get my boots on!’
She sat at the bottom of the stairs and pulled on bright green wellington boots that had comical frog eyes poking out over the toes.
Sydney stood behind her, looking awkwardly at Nathan.
‘Will I need boots, too?’ he asked.
She nodded. ‘It’s a working farm…so, yes.’
She watched as they both got ready, and it was so reminiscent of standing waiting for Olivia and Alastair to get ready so they could go out that she physically felt an ache in her chest.
They had been good together. Once. When she and Alastair had married she’d truly believed they would be in each other’s arms until their last days. Shuffling along together. One of those old couples you could see in parks, still holding hands.
But then it had all gone wrong.
Alastair hadn’t been able to cope with losing his little girl and he’d blamed her. For not noticing that Olivia was truly ill. For not acting sooner. The way he’d blanked her, directed his anger towards her, had hurt incredibly. The one time she’d needed her husband the most had been the one time he’d failed her completely.
When Nathan and Anna were both ready she hurried them out of the door and got them into her car.
‘Can you do your seatbelt, Anna?’
‘Yes!’ the little girl answered, beaming. ‘I can’t wait to ride the donkey! Did Daddy tell you I’m going to be Mary? That’s the most important part in the play. Well…except for baby Jesus…but that’s just going to be a doll, so…’ She trailed off.
Sydney smiled into the rearview mirror. How many times had she driven her car with Olivia babbling away in the back seat? Too many times. So often, in fact, that she would usually be thinking about all the things she had to do, tuning her daughter out, saying hmm…or right…in all the right places, whenever her daughter paused for breath.
And now…? With Anna chatting away…? She wanted to listen. Wanted to show Nathan’s little girl that she heard her.
I can’t believe I ignored my daughter! Even for a second!
How many times had she not truly listened? How many times had she not paid attention? Thinking that she had all the time in the world to talk to her whenever she wanted? To chat about things that hadn’t meant much to her but had meant the world to her daughter?
‘All eyes will be on you, Anna. I’m sure you’ll do a great job.’
Nathan glanced over at her. ‘I appreciate you arranging this. I don’t suppose you’re a dab hand with a sewing machine, are you?’
She was, actually. ‘Why?’
‘The costume for Mary is looking a bit old. The last incumbent seems to have dragged it through a dump before storing it away and now it looks awful. Miriam has suggested that I make another one.’
She glanced over at him. ‘And you said…?’
‘I said yes! But that was when I thought a bedsheet and a blue teacloth over the head was all that was needed.’
‘You know… I might still have Olivia’s old outfit.