apparently she was planning on telling me that night. She wanted it to be a surprise on what would have been our first night in the house. I’ve hated surprises ever since.’
He had lost everything. Not just his girlfriend but his future. He hadn’t really ever thought seriously about being a father, he’d just assumed it would happen one day, but to be given that news and then have it taken away from him immediately had devastated him.
‘Losing something I never had and never knew I wanted; I didn’t understand how that could hurt so much.’ It had destroyed his belief that good things could happen and he had only seen darkness for a long time after that. Mostly that was still all he saw.
‘I imagine the feeling is similar to knowing that the thing you want most in the world is never going to happen for you.’
Luci’s voice was thick with tears and he realised she did understand how he felt. She would have had the same feeling over and over again, every month, when she had been desperate to fall pregnant and it hadn’t happened. Month after month. But she’d got through it.
Had his confession been hard on her?
‘I didn’t mean to upset you,’ he told her. He’d wanted her to understand. He wasn’t sure why but it seemed important that he share his past with her but he hadn’t meant to upset her.
‘I’m okay. I’m upset for you.’
‘My whole life changed in the space of a few minutes. I took a new direction after that. I never moved into the house. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I sold the house and bought my motorbike and this boat instead. I couldn’t settle, I was restless, I still am. That was my attempt at domesticity, at living a normal life, and it didn’t turn out as I’d planned. I lost everything at once, things I didn’t even know I had, and it took me a long time to feel like my life was back under control. I think it’s enough now to be responsible just for my own life. I don’t ever want to go through that pain again.’
Over the past three years he had slowly recovered from Emma’s death but he hadn’t forgotten how he’d felt and he wasn’t sure that he wanted to put himself out there again for love. ‘I don’t want to put myself in that position again.’ He didn’t ever want to be vulnerable again. He had worked hard to get back on top of things and he didn’t ever want to lose his way again. He was determined to be the master of his own destiny but that made it very difficult to let someone else in.
He had moved on, to a degree, but he knew the events of that day had changed him and he never again wanted to feel that pain of loss that he felt was inevitable if he opened up his heart. So he had lived a solitary existence.
He didn’t want to have a home. He didn’t want to put down roots. Becoming invested in something, attached to something, scared him. He knew how easily it could be ripped away. ‘When you love someone it isn’t for ever. It can’t be. Life doesn’t work like that.’
‘No one is meant to live a whole lifetime alone,’ Luci argued. ‘There are highs and lows, disappointments and tragedies, as well as happiness and joy in life, and I think it’s better to share those times with someone else. Sharing those feelings can soften the lows and enhance the highs. Joy and sadness are both better shared. Let me show you.’
She stood on the deck and lifted her dress over her head. She wore nothing underneath the thin cotton shift. She stood before him, naked and gorgeous, and offered him solace.
His reaction was immediate. He knew how the pleasures of the flesh could wipe out the traumas of the past, even if only temporarily. He’d had plenty of experience in that method of recovery over the past three years but never had he felt the satisfaction that he felt when he was with Luci. He got a sense of peacefulness with her and that was something that had never lasted before. Along with the physical release Luci was somehow able to provide emotional release too.
He pushed his shorts down and over his feet so he too was naked and knelt before her. His erection stood to attention, stiff and strong, but he ignored it.
He ran his hands up the insides of her thighs, parting them.
She opened her legs wider for him as his fingers reached the junction of her thighs. He slid his fingers inside her. She was warm and moist.
She moaned and pushed against him as he ran his thumb over the bud at her core. He replaced his thumb with his tongue and all his troubles were forgotten as he licked and sucked until she shivered with his touch. He cupped her buttocks with his hands and held her against him, burying himself in her, losing himself in the sweet saltiness of her.
She gasped and held his head with her hands. She moaned again, a little louder. Spread her legs a little wider. Let him in a little deeper.
He felt her legs start to shake. He rose and lifted her off her feet and she wrapped her legs around him. He was vaguely aware of thunder rumbling in the distance as he turned and pushed her against the windshield. The storm was on its way.
He locked her between his body and the slope of the glass. Bent his head and licked her breasts as he drove himself deep inside her.
Her skin glowed ghostly pale in the moonlight and he could see the four freckles, dark against her skin, on the swell of her breast. Over her right shoulder he could see the Southern Cross, the diamonds in the sky that would always remind him of her.
He ignored the storm and the stars and the memories as he focused on feeling, touching and tasting. He rode the waves of pleasure with Luci.
He didn’t miss Emma any more. He hadn’t missed her for a long time. He’d taught himself to be alone but as he lost himself in Luci he realised all the other things he’d been missing. All the things that not feeling had deprived him of. The pleasure of sharing not just physically but emotionally.
He had shut himself off and Luci was helping him to open up again. She saw the good in the world. The brightness and the light. He had blocked that all out. Not wanting to risk being hurt, he had shut out all the beauty as well.
Her arms were around his neck and he felt her legs tighten around his waist as she met his thrusts, urging him to go faster. She was warm and wet as she clung to him. She was brightness and light. Even after what she’d been through she hadn’t given up on the idea of love.
‘Now, Seb. Now!’
She arched her back as she came, trembling in his arms.
He shuddered with the release as a fork of lightning split the sky, followed by a clap of thunder booming overhead just as they came together, sharing the pleasure.
He could smell her. She was warm and sweet. He pressed his lips against her shoulder as he tasted her. She was salty and sweet.
Clouds drifted overhead, obscuring the stars, and he smelt the rain just before it began to fall. Fat, warm drops fell on their bare skin.
Luci was still in his arms and he carried her downstairs to his bed, their clothes abandoned on the deck as the storm raged overhead.
It passed quickly but he didn’t notice. They lay in peaceful, contented silence. He wasn’t thinking about love and loss. He wasn’t thinking about anything other than the satisfaction and pleasure of having someone to hold.
Perhaps Luci was right. Maybe having someone to share things with could sometimes make things better.
He fell asleep with Luci in his arms as the storm rolled to the east.
Luci stowed her suitcase in the luggage compartment under the bus that was going to take her back to Vickers Hill. She climbed on board with mixed emotions. Her uncle had died three days ago so the trip home was tinged with sadness but while she was looking forward to seeing her family she wasn’t sure if she was quite ready to be back in Vickers Hill. She didn’t feel as if she’d been gone long enough to erase people’s perceptions of her. Would they still think of her as ‘poor Luci’, the girl who couldn’t