a busy working woman with a family to look after. If this isn’t for charity, then I’m wasting my time.’
‘And I don’t want to end up with lips like obese caterpillars,’ said Saffron. ‘No one would ever kiss me again.’
‘It’s collagen that does that,’ I said.
‘Whatever,’ she replied airily and picked up her handbag.
‘It was just… I thought you’d be pleased,’ said Melissa, eyes looking all shiny. ‘Your average woman doesn’t get the chance to go to a Botox party.’
‘Are you calling us average?’ said Saffron, drawn-on eyebrows arched.
‘Botox parties are for people with too much money, if you ask me,’ said Vivian. ‘Or too little sense. Whereas we all live in the real world…’ She flicked some crumbs off her silk blouse and wavering slightly, stood up. As she walked past, she patted my arm. ‘I’ll get your number. Those Santa Coladas would be a huge hit at my Bridge Club.’
I smiled but didn’t feel like jumping quite so high as before because Melissa’s shoulders slumped as her guests left. Sandra was back in the conservatory, shaking her head as she packed away her stuff.
‘Ring you later,’ said Kate to Melissa, and mouthed “sorry” before following on the heels of Saffron who, with a flounce of her frilly dress, teetered out of the room.
‘What went wrong?’ Melissa sank onto the plum sofa. She swilled back a mouthful of champagne and asked me to fetch another bottle and a glass for myself. By the time I got back, she was ready for a second glass.
‘Here,’ I said and passed her one of the rich mincemeat cupcakes. ‘This’ll make you feel better.’
‘Whatever do you mean? The morning was a success. They enjoyed the food. I’m sure they thought me very generous.’ But her mouth downturned and she took a huge bite. ‘Sod the calories. Take one yourself. At least we know how to enjoy ourselves. Saffron hardly ate one mouthful. And as for Denise… She’s always got some medical horror story to tell.’
I took one of the dark chocolate logs before sitting next to her, on the sofa. Who would believe I was sipping champagne in Jonny Winsford’s house? I felt another Facebook status announcement coming on: “Champers to celebrate as business is booming.”
‘Do you want me to stay for a while, Melissa?’ said Sandra in a soft voice as she stopped by us, holding her case. She’d taken off her coat to reveal a pastel skirt and smart magnolia blouse. ‘Don’t you worry about those ladies. They wouldn’t know a favour if it pinched them on the bottom.’
‘No. Honestly. But perhaps you could come round later in the week to do my nails. Your cheque…’ Melissa muttered, words slightly slurring now.
‘Don’t worry, dear.’ Sandra squeezed Melissa’s shoulder. ‘We’ll sort that out next time. I’ll show myself out.’ She disappeared into the hallway and the front door opened and closed.
‘She seems nice,’ I said.
Melissa topped up our glasses. ‘My manicure sessions are a godsend. Sandra always has really good advice. She’s shown me this facial exercise routine that’s supposed to produce results better than a facelift. And once I opened a bottle of champagne for lunch whilst she was here to celebrate sales of my DVD. I’d forgotten I was supposed to drive to meet Jonny in Harpenden for some fundraiser. Sandra insisted on giving me a lift there and wouldn’t let me order a taxi.’ She took a large sip. ‘What a wasted opportunity. Those women don’t know how to make the best of themselves.’ Her words were less velvety and strands of hair had slipped out of her chignon. ‘And we never got to try your savoury nibbles. I’ll keep them if you like. Jonny’s agent’s visiting tonight.’
‘Really?’ That sounded important. I wouldn’t want to let Melissa down. Not after the humiliation she’d faced this morning. ‘Um… I’m better at baking cakes than making canapés. Honestly. I’m sure he’d prefer some of your home cooking.’
She giggled. ‘Darling, Jonny didn’t marry me because I know how to hold a whisk. We eat out a lot and if people come to dinner, I get in caterers. Just tell me how to heat them up. In fact, why don’t you come back later and–’
‘I was thinking the, um, prawns looked a bit off.’
‘But you were going to serve them to the ladies.’ Melissa looked at me sideways, then got up and wended her way into the kitchen. I followed. She yanked open the fridge door and lifted the foil on a platter of mini hot dogs. Her eyes narrowed. ‘They all look exactly the same – more factory-produced than handmade.’ She slammed the door and hiccoughed. ‘What’s going on?’
‘I… I thought you only wanted cakes. When you mentioned at the last minute about savoury nibbles, I panicked and…’
‘Bought them?’ Melissa shrugged. ‘I hope you used that new deli in town.’
I swallowed hard. ‘They came from BargainMarket.’
‘Oh, BargainMarket, yes well…’ She gasped. ‘BargainMarket! I wouldn’t feed a dog from there. Wasn’t it recently investigated by the Health and Safety Watchdog?’ She glared at me for a few seconds before her eyes twinkled and she laughed. ‘Can you imagine Vivian’s face if she knew?’ she spluttered. ‘And as for Saffron, she’d die at the levels of salt and unsaturated fat. And no doubt squillions of Denise’s patients have lost their lives to cheap, mass-produced savoury snacks!’
‘I have tarted them up,’ I said and chuckled. ‘I think we’d have got away with it.’
‘Good thing I didn’t waste my caviar on them.’ Melissa glanced at me. ‘Although it does need eating up. Ever tried it?’
I shook my head.
She opened the fridge door, took out the tin and fetched a teaspoon. ‘Wish I had some crackers,’ she said, and prised off the lid.
‘I’ve got tubes of Pringles,’ I said and rummaged in one of my bags. With a flourish I dragged a tube out, opened it up and set it on the table top.
‘Pringles?’ Melissa giggled. ‘Why not? Hold one out.’ She spooned a teaspoon of dark grey pearly eggs onto it.
I stared at the crisp for a moment.
‘Go on,’ she soothed.
Deep breath. Mouth open… Mmm. The smooth pearls burst on my tongue and tasted like a breath of sea air, just before the cheesy aftertaste of the Pringle kicked in.
A screech of wheels cut through our conversation, then a key turned and the front door opened. OMG! It had to be Jonny – the golfing god himself. Melissa jumped up and hurried into the hallway.
‘Honey?’ I heard her say. ‘You’re home early.’
‘Have you been drinking again?’ said a male voice. ‘Where is everyone? ’
‘They had to get off. Busy women. But they loved the cakes. The caterer’s still in the kitchen. We were just…’
‘You invited Saffron after all.’
‘How did–?’
‘Just saw her husband down at the club. Steve said she’d be coming. Get rid of the caterer,’ he said. ‘God knows why but the bloody paparazzi have trailed me all day again. So, if you open the door – try to at least stand straight.’ Footsteps disappeared upstairs.
Feeling a bit woozy, I hurtled into the lounge to fetch the cakestands. Then Melissa helped me carry all my stuff onto the front doorstep. She’d shoved the tin of caviar into my bag and handed me a folded cheque.
‘Thanks, Kimmy. This is the going rate, I reckon. Let me know if it’s not enough. Got to go. Ciao.’
‘But the savoury nibbles…? And I’ve written an invoice…’
‘I’m