she said in a stony voice. ‘I can’t keep it.’
Struggling for calmness, he said, ‘Why not? Explain. You owe me that, not to mention our unborn child. Have you considered how our son or daughter is going to feel when it finds out its mother wanted nothing to do with it after it was born?’
She shut her eyes for an infinitesimal moment. ‘That’s not fair.’
‘The hell it isn’t. Face facts, woman.’
‘I am facing facts. ‘
The loss of control was so sudden he jumped visibly as she sprang to her feet.
‘If I keep it, if I’m its mother, something will happen. Like it did with Matthew. Or to you. Something will happen to stop us being a family and it will be because of me. Don’t you understand that yet? It’s because I love it I have to stay out of its life.’
He stared at her. She was standing with her hands clenched into fists at her sides, her body as straight as a board, and he could see she believed every word. Softly, he said, ‘And that’s why you walked out on me, on our marriage.’ It was a statement, not a question. But he had to make her hear herself, acknowledge the enormity of what she had confessed. ‘Because you’ve told yourself this lie so often you believe it.’
It was dawning on him just how much he had failed her. He should have insisted she went for counselling after Matthew’s death, forced her to confront the gremlins, but he had been so frightened of causing her more pain. Of losing her. Ironic.
‘It’s not a lie.’ She drew in a shuddering breath.
‘Oh, yes, it is.’ He stood up and crossed the space between them, taking her stiff, unyielding body into his arms. ‘Life doesn’t come in neat, sanitised packages, Nell. People die in accidents, of diseases, of old age, in—in miscarriages and stillbirths and a whole host of other medical issues. It isn’t nice and it isn’t fair but it happens. You weren’t to blame for Matthew’s death. I don’t know why it happened and I have to confess I’ve shouted and railed at God ever since because of it, but I do know you weren’t to blame. You’ve got to get that into your head.’
‘I can’t.’ She pulled away, stepping back from him. ‘And I’ve got to protect this baby, Forde. If you take it and I stay out of your lives it will be all right.’
Her white face and haunted eyes warned Forde that he had pushed her to the limit of her endurance. His mind now working rapidly, he kept his voice steady and low. ‘It goes without saying I’ll take our baby, Nell. But I think you owe it one thing. I want you to go and talk over how you feel with someone who is completely unbiased and who has experience in the type of grief you’re feeling. Will you do that for it? And me?’
She’d taken another step backwards. ‘A doctor, you mean? You think I’m crazy?’
‘Not in a million years.’ He wouldn’t let her retreat further, covering the distance between them in one stride and taking her cold hands in his. ‘But I know someone, a friend, who’s trained in this type of counselling. She offered to talk to you months ago in a professional role, just you and her and everything confidential between the two of you, OK? You’d like Miriam, Nell. I promise.’
She extracted her hands from his. ‘I don’t know.’
‘Then trust me to know. Will you do that? And what have you got to lose? I love you, Nell. I’ll always love you. If you won’t do this for yourself, do it for me.’
He saw the confusion in her eyes and, acting on instinct, he reached out and touched her cheek. Her skin was soft like raw silk and as warm as liquid honey. Leaning closer, he bent his head and kissed her, a gentle, undemanding kiss, before drawing her against him.
They stood together in the quiet room, Forde nuzzling the top of her head and Melanie resting against his chest without speaking. Her hair smelt of the apple shampoo she favoured and there was the faintest scent of vanilla from her perfume. Why two such fairly innocuous fragrances should make his blood pulse with desire he didn’t know, but then Melanie had always had that effect on him. He wanted her so badly he ached with it, but he steeled himself against betraying it, knowing at this moment she wanted nothing more than to be held and comforted.
After a minute or two, he murmured, ‘I’ll ring Miriam tomorrow and ask her to see you. She’s a busy lady but we go way back and I know she’ll find time.’
Melanie was quiet for a moment, then her voice came faintly muffled from his chest. ‘Way back? What does that mean?’
He caught the tinge of jealousy she was trying to conceal and almost smiled. ‘She’s the mother of a close friend, grandmother of six and has been happily married for forty years.’ Miriam was also much sought after and at the top of her field professionally, but he wasn’t about to mention that.
‘Forde, it won’t change anything. You know that, don’t you?’ She raised swimming eyes to his. ‘You have to face the inevitable. I have.’
‘Go and see her, that’s all I’m asking,’ he said softly. He kissed her again, and in spite of telling himself to go carefully it deepened into something more than comfort. A restless urgency surfaced and he knew she felt it too by the way she clung to him in a hungry response that took the last of his control. His hands roamed over her body, touching her with sensual, intimate caresses, and then he scooped her up in his arms as he murmured against her lips, ‘I want you. Tonight. But if you want me to leave now, I’ll go.’
Her answer was to kiss him with a desire that was unmistakable, and with a small growl Forde carried her up the stairs to the bedroom. He laid her on the bed and in frantic haste and without speaking they tore off their clothes and then he lay down beside her, cupping her face in his palms and kissing her deeply and passionately.
She had always been a lover who gave as much as she got and now her hands and mouth explored him as hungrily as his did her, twisting and turning with him as they moaned their pleasure. Her breasts felt fuller in his hands and as he took one rosy nipple in his mouth she arched with a little cry.
‘They—they’re more sensitive now,’ she gasped against what he was doing to her, and as his mouth returned to hers he swept his tongue inside and then pulled back and bit her bottom lip gently.
‘You’re so beautiful, my love,’ he murmured shakily. ‘I don’t think I can wait much longer.’
‘Then don’t.’
She was wet and warm for him when he entered her. She hooked her legs round him and raised her hips and they moved together in perfect unison towards a release that had them both calling out as they tipped over the edge into white pleasure. Then he circled her in his arms, one thigh lying over hers as she opened drugged eyes. ‘You don’t know how many cold showers I’ve taken in the middle of the night recently,’ he murmured wryly.
She half smiled, but he could see she was thinking again. ‘Forde, we shouldn’t have—’
‘Yes, we should.’ He brushed back a strand of hair from her face. ‘I wanted you and you wanted me. It was that simple. Don’t try to complicate it.’
‘But it doesn’t—’
‘Change anything,’ he finished for her. ‘Yes, I know. Don’t worry. Go to sleep.’ He pulled the duvet over them.
Her expression was one of total confusion and remorse. ‘It’s not fair to you,’ she whispered.
‘Nell, believe me, I can live with this sort of unfairness,’ he said drily.
She smiled again but a proper smile this time and he grinned back at her. ‘Go to sleep,’ he said again, kissing the tip of her nose and then her mouth. ‘Everything’s OK.’
She was asleep within moments, snuggled close to him, but Forde lay and watched her for a long, long time. Everything’s OK. What a stupid thing to say, he thought ruefully. His wife