I was always left to my own devices. If Dad hadn’t come back, I’d have died.’ The trauma had stayed with him. He hated the cold.
‘Did you know that it only takes seventy seconds to freeze your little finger,’ he said, holding his finger close to his face. ‘Must depend on the size of your finger, I guess.’
‘Good God, Jack, please don’t tell me you’ve tested out that theory.’
‘No, of course not – I read it on the Internet.’
‘Must be true then,’ she said, with an air of sarcasm.
‘Yeah it is, some physiologist experimented on himself. I wonder if your finger becomes brittle, like ice?’
‘Please stop talking.’
He laughed and looked into her eyes. ‘Go to Sweden, Isla,’ he said, putting his arm around her shoulders. ‘It’s time to finish your book.’
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Friday, 28 October, 2 a.m.
So here are a few more photos of Canada. I hope you like them. My next adventure will be Sweden in November, so watch this space for more news on that.
Andy called. Said he hasn’t been able to come to the UK because something’s come up. He wouldn’t say what. It was so good to hear his voice, but not those words. I told him I’m going to Abisko, and he said maybe we could meet there, if he doesn’t get over to the UK.
If he doesn’t get to the UK.
I desperately need to see him now. I miss him so much it hurts. I told him that, and he said I wasn’t to worry, that he loves me, that he will be with me soon.
I’m so close to telling Jack. But it’s hard. Maybe once Andy is here I’ll be able to come right out and tell him. I feel wretched that I’m not being fair on Jack. Am I a horrible person? God, how I want to give way to the tears.
I’m not sure I want to go out tomorrow night to this ridiculous reunion. Do I really want to see Trevor again? Do I need that complication in my life right now?
But then what if Ben can help me with my book? I’d be a fool to miss a chance like that.
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Friday, 28 October
‘So you’re going on another holiday, you lucky thing. Where’s Abisko?’
‘Sweden, but it’s not exactly a holiday, Millie.’ Isla tugged the kinks from her hair with her straighteners, catching her sister’s eye in the black-framed mirror above the fireplace. ‘It’s work.’
‘OK, if you say so.’ Millie smiled from the sofa, where Luna was purring on her knee. Her hair was scraped back in a haphazard ponytail, and she’d gained weight, despite her dieting efforts. Isla thought curvy suited her, but Millie had never been happy with her appearance. And now her acne was playing up again, a cluster of angry spots on her chin, cruel at almost forty.
‘It really is work,’ Isla insisted. ‘I’m paying for the trip with a couple of commissions, and hoping to finish my book while I’m there.’
‘So, have you got a publisher yet?’
Isla shook her head, eyes still on her sister. ‘No, although I admit I haven’t really tried,’ she said, sighing as she bent to turn off the fake-flicker fire. It was burning her legs. Making them red. She glanced over her shoulder. ‘I feel bad that you’ve come over when I’m going out.’
‘It’s OK, I just felt like popping in and surprising you.’ Millie smiled again. ‘You look lovely by the way.’ She bit into a biscuit, crumbs sprinkling her tracksuit bottoms. ‘You always look lovely.’
‘What? No, I don’t.’ Isla turned back to the mirror and screwed up her face, never seeing herself as attractive.
‘Actually, I should get back soon to cook dinner,’ Millie said. ‘Did I tell you Abigail’s gone vegan? I’m trying a cashew and mushroom korma tonight.’
‘Bless her. How is my lovely niece?’
‘Fine, although sometimes things seemed easier when she was younger. But I guess that’s true for all parents of teens.’ Especially those with a child with Asperger’s. ‘She seems so grown up at times. She likes a boy she met at the chess club she goes to, but, on the other hand, she’s still obsessed with dinosaurs.’ She paused for a moment before adding, ‘She still loves the stegosaurus you and Jack bought her for her birthday.’
Jack had bought the large plastic figure. Isla had only remembered her niece’s birthday at the last minute.
‘You’re an absolute genius,’ she’d said, when he walked through the door with it, making silly dinosaur noises and waving the thing about.
‘She loves the puppy too, of course,’ Millie continued, glancing at her watch. ‘Another reason I should get back. Larry’s taken to chewing everything in his path. He’s already ruined the ballet pumps Abigail got from Lindy Bop.’
‘Oh that’s a shame.’
‘I know. She just stared at them for ages, as though they would miraculously mend in front of her eyes. I’ve had to order another pair quick.’ She smiled. ‘Why didn’t someone tell me puppies are harder than babies?’ She dragged Luna to her face and plonked a kiss on her black nose. ‘I should have got a cat. So much easier.’
‘Sometimes,’ Isla said. ‘Although Luna is super naughty, and has been known to poop in my trainers.’
Millie laughed, and Isla paused from straightening her hair, her eyes on her older sister once more.
Millie worked almost as many hours as Julian, as a teaching assistant at a village school just outside Letchworth, and Abigail, at fifteen, still needed as much help as she always had done. Isla felt it wasn’t right that everything fell on Millie’s shoulders all the time, while Julian snuck into the garage each evening and weekend to play with his ever-growing model train set.
‘Julian should help more,’ Isla said, glancing over her shoulder.
‘He wouldn’t know where to start.’ Millie crunched on another biscuit, and Isla couldn’t work out if her sister actually liked the idea that they couldn’t survive without her.
‘But it’s not the 1950s,’ Isla continued, before she could warn her mouth not to open.
Millie’s face wrinkled into a frown, and she prodded a spot on her chin.
‘And don’t touch that – you’ll make it sore,’ Isla said.
Millie whipped her hand away from her chin. ‘And there’s me thinking my spots weren’t noticeable.’ She pulled a fake sad face.
‘They’re not, not really.’ Isla shook her head, regretting her words.
‘It’s OK. I know I look like a fifteen-year-old boy, at times.’
‘No, you don’t. It’s just … maybe you could get something from the GP to clear them up.’
Millie shrugged. ‘Yes, maybe I could, although there never seems time, somehow.’ She paused again. ‘And let’s face it, nobody looks at me anyway.’ She laughed, but Isla could tell she meant it.
‘Are you OK?’ she said softly. She wanted to be there for Millie. ‘You know if you ever need anything … to talk … you