Around two, we would be met with a “No!” when we tried to remove a toddler from mischief, as if he perceived we were encroaching on the territory he had staked out. He was trying to see what power he had to enforce that right. During this stage, both parents and their toddlers need to learn a vital developmental lesson: the ability to give and take “no”. When a parent feels threatened by a toddler’s “no”, harsh words are likely to come: “Don’t you say that to me.” A confident parent will not perceive this as a threat to authority but rather as a healthy stage all toddlers need to go through. A mature adult does not react anxiously or punitively when the attachment-parented toddler says no. Instead, the parent calmly takes each situation as it comes and guides according to his or her wisdom.
helping a toddler ease into independence
The child needs to break from the mother in order to learn about his environment and about himself; the mother needs to let her child go and learn how to maintain their connection over a longer distance. As with so many aspects of discipline, it’s a question of balance, giving the child enough slack to become independent, yet keeping the connection. Mother does not let the child go off entirely on his own, nor does she keep him hanging on to her apron strings because of her own fears or need for his continuing dependence. Throughout the second year, parents may feel they are walking a fine line between being over-restrictive and being negligent. One way carries the risk of hindering a baby’s development, the other of allowing the baby to hurt himself or others or damage property. Here are some ways of keeping connected while helping your baby separate.
Play “out of sight” games. Beginning around nine months of age or earlier, play peek-a-boo and chase around the furniture with your baby. As you hide your face with your hands or you hide your body on the other side of the couch, the baby has the opportunity to imagine that you exist even though you’re out of sight.
Separate gradually. Best odds for a baby developing a healthy sense of self are for the baby to separate from the mother and not the mother from the baby. Discipline problems are less likely to occur when baby separates from mother gradually. When the baby inside the toddler remains connected, the toddler part of this growing person feels more secure to go off on his own. The connected child takes a bit of mother with him for comfort and advice during his explorations. It’s like having the best of both worlds – oneness, yet separateness. We learned to appreciate this feeling during our family sailing adventures. Because our sailboat was fitted with an electronic homing device that kept us “connected” to a radio control tower on land, we felt secure venturing farther out into the ocean. Connection provides security.
weaning from attachment
Weaning means a child is ripe – the needs of one stage of development are filled so that the child is ready to take on the challenges of the next stage. The key to weaning is that it be gradual because weaning is a process, not an event. In the process of gradual weaning, the parent sees to it that the child is filled with one set of competencies as she becomes ready to take on the next set. Consider the close connection achieved by practising the baby basics: being responsive to baby’s cries, breastfeeding, and babywearing. These are natural discipline tools that can lessen the anxiety of toddlerhood, freeing up this little person to tackle challenges smoothly. A toddler who still breastfeeds, spends some time being worn in a sling, and gets responsive parenting continues to get the attachment tools that equip him to become gradually independent. This process cannot be rushed. When the baby inside the toddler stays connected, the toddler has the self-assurance he needs to separate.
Many toddlers I see in my practice are not like some I read about. These infants, who are not prematurely weaned, are positive kids, not at all the negative persons or the terrible twos commonly portrayed in baby books and child magazines. In my twenty-two years in paediatric practice I have noticed that the most well behaved children are those that were not weaned before their time.
But won’t prolonged attachment spoil a child? Yes, if mother is possessive – holding on to her toddler to fulfil her own needs for attachment at the expense of her child moving on. No, if the mother allows a weaning from each attachment stage as mutually agreed upon by mother and toddler. Contrary to the popular belief that extended attachment hinders independence, we notice that babies who are not prematurely rushed through any attachment stage and weaned before their time actually become more independent. And many attachment studies support our observation.
Mothers who wean early believe they may gain some freedom. Possibly, yes, but there is a trade-off. With early weaning you lose a valuable discipline tool. Attachment mellows toddler behaviour. We believe that much of toddler misbehaviour, such as anger and aggression, and behaviours that are passed off as “normal twos” are really behaviours of premature detachment. We pay a price for precocious independence. Early weaning from the breast, from primary caregivers, and from the home is a norm in Western society. A great deal of confusion about discipline methods is also characteristic of this same society. Any connection? The best way to build age-appropriate discipline into your parent-child relationship is to allow the child to separate from the parent instead of the parent prematurely separating from the child.
The problem with many of the modern theories about discipline is that they focus so much on fostering independence that they lose sight of the necessity for a toddler to continue a healthy dependence. Try to achieve the delicate balance between maintaining the connection and encouraging self-reliance.
Take leave properly. Our eighteen-month-old grandson Andrew has very polite parents. Bob and Cheryl are careful to let him know when one of them plans to “disappear” into the next room. Because Andrew is separation-sensitive, he taught them to do this from a very early age. Especially important is saying “Good-bye!” “See-ya”, and “Daddy’s going to work.” Andrew is able to handle even his mother’s leave-taking because there have never been any rude surprises. Including your child in your leave-taking helps him know what the score is at any given moment. He can trust his parents to keep him posted.
Be a facilitator. Children will naturally become independent. It is not your job to make them independent but rather to provide a secure environment that allows them to become independent. As your child is struggling for a comfortable independence, you become a facilitator. You are like a battery charger when the little dynamo needs emotional refuelling. One moment he is shadowing you, the next moment he is darting away. How much separation can he tolerate and does he need? How much closeness? The child needs to maintain the connection while increasing the distance. Toddlers who behave best are those that find the balance of attaching and exploring as they go from security to novelty. Your job as facilitator is to help the child achieve that balance. That’s the partnership you and your toddler negotiate.
Substitute voice contact. If your young toddler is playing in another room out of your sight and starts to fuss, instead of immediately dropping what you are doing and rushing to baby’s aid, try calling to him instead, “Mummy’s coming!” Maintaining a dialogue with a toddler outside the shower door has prevented many a separation protest.
Shift gears if separation isn’t working. Sometimes even a baby who was “easy to leave” suddenly becomes a toddler who is separation-sensitive. If baby isn’t taking well to your absences, you might try more creative ways of staying happy yourself that don’t involve leaving your baby. What you may perceive as a need to escape may actually be a need for you to give yourself more nurturing.
Provide “long-distance” help. Exploring toddlers get stuck in precarious places. The protector instinct in all parents makes us want to rush and rescue the stuck baby. Sometimes it’s good to encourage from the sidelines and let the young adventurer get herself out of the mess. While writing this section, I observed two-year-old Lauren trying to negotiate her doll buggy down a short flight of steps. Halfway down, the buggy got stuck and Lauren began to protest. Instead of immediately