child you have to know your child, be able to read your child’s body language, and give age-appropriate responses. For your child to receive your discipline, your child needs to be able to read and trust you. This mutual connection allows discipline to flow naturally from you to your child, and prepares your child to want your guidance. As rational as this sounds, there are many families where this doesn’t happen. Our purpose in this chapter is to show you how to let this connection happen, right from the very beginning.
martha and matthew – how they got connected
We love reading teacher’s reports about our nine-year-old Matthew: “He’s so focused.” “He’s so well-behaved.” Our friends give us compliments about Matthew: “He’s such a joy to have around.” “He’s a good influence on my son.” During a toy squabble between Matthew and a friend, an observing parent said, “Matthew is incredibly sensitive to other children.” A new mother watching Martha discipline a conflict between Matthew and a sibling remarked, “How did you know what to do?”
How did Matthew come to be this way? Is he afraid of being punished, or is he just naturally “good”? Where did his self-control come from? How can one subtle look from Martha pull him back from the brink of trouble? How did this pair get so well connected? The story of disciplining Matthew goes all the way back to the day of his birth.
Immediately after birth Martha gathered up Matthew and cuddled him to her breast. As Matthew lay skin-to-skin, no longer enclosed in the warmth of her womb, he found a new place where he fit. As he fed from Martha’s breast, snuggled against her chest, nested in her arms, he found a new “womb”. When he opened his eyes, he found Martha’s eyes gazing adoringly into his. Matthew arrived knowing where he belonged and feeling that this was a warm and comfortable place to be. Matthew felt right. Though no longer connected by the cord, the pair stayed connected by the hormonal high of new motherhood and the ability of a newly born baby to make his needs known. No distance – physical or emotional – developed between them. During the day Martha held Matthew close to her or wore him in a baby sling, fed him on cue, and responded sensitively to his needs. At night they slept side by side, Martha providing security and comfort to Matthew.
This connection, the beginning of discipline, continued through Matthew’s baby days. When Matthew cried, Martha responded, and Matthew learned that his distress was followed by comfort. Because Martha gave Matthew a consistent response, Matthew learned to trust that his mother was responsive to him. Never mind that Martha did not always give the “perfect” response (Matthew may have wanted a change of scenery, but Martha offered to feed him). The important point is that she responded. Even though this was our sixth baby, Martha had to learn to read Matthew as an individual. With time and patience and through hundreds of rehearsals, Matthew and Martha worked at their communication until they got it right most of the time. As time progressed, Martha learned to anticipate Matthew’s needs. When a grimace appeared, a cry was sure to follow. So she responded to the grimace before a panic cry had a chance to develop. Mother and baby were comfortable and happy together.
As I watched this pair grow together (and did what I could to support them), I noticed that while Martha’s initial responses to Matthew’s cues involved some trial and error, they quickly became more intuitive. There was harmony to their relationship, a flow of cue giving and caregiving between a little person with big needs and a mother motivated to meet those needs. This led to an inner feeling of well-being that is characteristic of a connected mother-baby pair. The same sparkle was in the eyes of both mother and son. We enjoyed being with him, and he enjoyed being with us. Because Matthew was connected, he felt valued – the beginning of a child’s self-worth, the basis of disciplined behaviour. Matthew’s smiles and contentment made Martha feel valued as well, the beginning of parental self-confidence.
I saw a mutual sensitivity develop between Matthew and Martha. When Matthew was upset, Martha knew what he needed, almost as if she could get inside his mind. Martha seemed to feel what Matthew was feeling and vice versa. When Matthew’s behaviour deteriorated or when he was not feeling well, her sensitivity went up a notch. She clicked into motherly overdrive, with a higher level of acceptance and a higher level of giving. Matthew also became sensitive to Martha. When she was having a bad day, Matthew became less sparkly and more clingy. By the time Matthew was a year old, we were well on our way to having a disciplined child.We knew our child, and Matthew felt right.
Once we put the initial investment of time and energy into getting to know Matthew, meeting his needs, and anticipating his behaviour, his entry into toddlerhood did not worry us. When Matthew drifted into undesirable behaviour, it was not difficult to rechannel his actions. He was willing to be redirected because he knew we respected his need to hatch. His sense of self was blossoming. (Bill’s connection to Matthew is described in Chapter 6, “Fathers as Disciplinarians”.)
parenting – the key to early discipline
Martha’s style of parenting is called attachment parenting, a style that brings out the best in parents and baby. Attachment parenting begins with being open to the cues and needs of your baby, without fretting about spoiling or being manipulated. It gets discipline off to a good start by helping you get to know your baby. Alternatively, parenting styles that place the emphasis on parents getting their babies on a set schedule, under control, are likely to keep you from connecting with your baby and can undermine the development of true discipline.
By knowing your child you learn her needs and preferences at each stage of development. You are able to understand why she behaves a certain way, what situations promote desirable behaviour, and which ones produce undesirable behaviour. You help her feel right by setting conditions that promote the best behaviour. The child who feels right acts right. She operates from an inner sense of well-being and so is less impulsive, less angry, and less likely to misbehave. Attachment parenting will help you reach two goals: to know your child and to help your child feel right. These two goals form the cornerstone of a strong disciplinary relationship with your child. Six features of attachment parenting that will help you get connected and shape the relationship between you and your baby are: responding to your baby’s cues, breastfeeding, wearing your baby, spending time playing with your baby, sharing sleep, and being a facilitator. Here’s how each of these attachments contributes to discipline.
1. Respond to Your Baby’s Cries
Before you actually hold your baby in your arms you will wonder, “How will 1 ever know what my baby needs?” You will learn quickly because your baby will tell you. The key is to listen and observe. Babies are born with attachment-promoting behaviours (APBs). These behaviours are baby’s earliest language, cues that he uses to communicate his needs. You will find them irresistible; they’re designed to be that way, to penetrate parents to the core, demanding a response. The strongest APB is baby’s cry. Responding to your baby’s cries is the cornerstone of discipline. When your baby cries, pick him up and comfort him. Don’t waste your time wondering, “Should I pick him up?” “Is he trying to manipulate me?” “Will I spoil her?” Just do it.
Don’t worry whether you’ve given the correct response. If your baby is hungry and you try to comfort her by holding and singing rather than feeding her, she will let you know she wants to be fed instead by gnawing on her fists or searching for your breast. With practice, you and your baby will work out the correct cues and responses. Your baby will learn to give you specific cues to specific needs, and you will learn to read body language that signals a specific need. Your response will become less calculated, more intuitive and natural. For some mothers this comes easily; others may need to overcome uncertainty or pre-conceived fears that their baby will control and manipulate them. At some time near the beginning of your parenting career you are likely to hear the advice “Let your baby cry it out” (meaning leave your baby to cry alone). Don’t do it! A baby’s