The sincerity in her words was clear. She meant every single one of them. And even though Carrie didn’t know her well, it gave her more comfort than she’d had in a long time. Maybe this was all on her. She’d kept so much bottled up inside for so long. She didn’t want to share. And now, in New York, the only two people she’d shared with had shown her sincerity and compassion—even though they were virtual strangers.
‘You had five children, didn’t you?’
Mrs Van Dyke nodded. ‘Peter was my youngest. David, Ronald, Anne and Lisbeth all have families of their own now.’
‘Are any of them still in New York?’
There was a sadness in Mrs Van Dyke’s eyes. ‘Sadly, no. David’s in Boston. Ronald’s in Washington. Lisbeth married a lovely Dutch man and is back in Holland. Anne found herself a cowboy and lives on a ranch in Texas. She spends most of her time trying to persuade me to go and live with her and her family.’ Mrs Van Dyke showed some pride in her eyes. ‘She has a beautiful home—a beautiful family. But I find Texas far too hot. I visit. Daniel takes me to the airport and I go and stay with Anne for part of the winter. But New York is home to me now. It always will be.’ She hesitated for a moment, before looking at Carrie with her pale grey eyes. ‘And Peter’s here, of course. I would never leave my son.’
It was as if a million tiny caterpillars decided to run over her skin. Tiny light pinpricks all over.
Ruby. Her tiny white remembrance plaque in a cemetery in London. She’d visited it the day she left and wondered if anyone would put flowers there while she was gone. The chances were unlikely. Most people had moved on.
Part of her felt sympathy for Mrs Van Dyke not wanting to leave her beloved son. Should she feel guilty for coming to New York? All she felt was sad. Ruby wasn’t there any more. Her talismans were in the box upstairs and in her heart—not on the little white plaque next to hundreds of others.
She was trying to put things into perspective. Her past situation and the current one. Trying to find a reason for Abraham’s mother’s behaviour.
Mrs Van Dyke’s voice cut through her thoughts. ‘You have to remember, Carrie. Our children belong to God. We’re only given them on loan from heaven. Sometimes God calls them home sooner than we expected.’
The words of the wise. A woman who’d had years to get over the death of her young son, but it was clearly still as raw today as it had been at the time. But here she was, with the help of her faith, rationalising the world around her. Getting some comfort from it.
Carrie moved from the sofa and knelt on the ground next to Mrs Van Dyke’s armchair. ‘Then why would we waste any of that precious time? Why would we want to miss out on the first feed, the first smile? It’s all far too precious, far too fleeting to give it up so easily. I can’t believe that Abraham’s mother doesn’t care. I can’t believe she abandoned him without a second thought.’
‘It’s a sad world, Carrie. But sometimes we have to realise that not everyone has the same moral standing and beliefs that you and I have. Not everyone values babies and children the way that they should.’
It was a complete turnaround. The absolute opposite of what she’d expected Mrs Van Dyke to say. But as she watched the elderly face, she realised Mrs Van Dyke was lost—stuck in a memory someplace. She wasn’t talking about the here and now; she was remembering something from long ago.
It sent a horrible, uncomfortable feeling down her spine. She’d seen the awful newscasts about abused and battered children. She’d seen the adverts for foster carers for children whose parents didn’t want them any more. The last thing she wanted was for Abraham to end up in any of those categories. It was just unthinkable.
She was staring at him again. Transfixed by his beautiful skin and blinking blue eyes. ‘I just can’t think of him like that. I just have the oddest feeling—’ she put her hand on her heart ‘—right here, that I’m right about him. I can’t explain it, but I just think that Abraham’s mother didn’t abandon him because she didn’t love him. I think it’s just the opposite. She abandoned him because she did love him.’
Mrs Van Dyke sat back in her chair, cradling Abraham in her arms. Carrie was almost envious of her years of experience. The strength she had to draw on. It radiated from her. Being around Mrs Van Dyke was like being enveloped in some warm, knowledgeable blanket. She could only hope that one day she would be like that, too.
After a few moments she eventually spoke. ‘It seems to me like it’s time to ask some hard questions, Carrie.’
The words made her a little uncomfortable. Could Mrs Van Dyke read her thoughts? See all the things that were floating around her brain about Daniel? That would really make her cheeks flush, because some of those thoughts were X-rated.
But surely Mrs Van Dyke had no inkling that anything had happened between them. She hadn’t even seen them together. She couldn’t possibly know.
‘What kind of questions?’ she finally asked.
‘The kind of questions you’re skirting around about. Why exactly would a mother leave a baby on our doorstep? What reasons could she possibly have? And why this doorstep? Why not another?’
Carrie sat back in her chair. All the things that had been circling in her brain for the past few days. Even though they were in the background, she hadn’t really focused on them, or given them the attention they deserved. Looking after Abraham, and trying to decipher her emotions towards Daniel, had taken up all her time and energy.
It was time to sit back and take a deep breath. To look at things from a new angle, a new perspective.
‘I guess I need to take some time to think about this,’ she said quietly.
‘I guess you do.’
It was like being in the presence of an all-knowing seer. A person who knew what was happening but left you to find it out for yourself.
She stood up and walked over to pick up Abraham again. Just holding him close seemed to give her comfort. It was amazing how quickly she was becoming attached to this tiny person.
‘I’ll get Dan to bring your shopping up later.’
‘That’s perfect, Carrie.’ She gave a little nod of her head. ‘You’ve taken on a big job, and I commend you for it. But Abraham is someone else’s baby. It’s so easy to love them, and it’s so hard to let them go. You need to protect yourself. You need to look after your own heart.’
Carrie placed her hand across Abraham’s back. ‘I know that. I know that this won’t last. As soon as the snow clears, Abraham will go to Angel’s to be assessed. Social services already know about him. I’m sure they will already have somewhere for him to go.’
She nodded towards the television. The title for a new episode of Diagnosis Murder was just beginning to roll. ‘I’ll let you get back to your television.’ Had she really been up here for an hour? ‘Thank you for letting us visit, Mrs Van Dyke.’
‘No, thank you, Carrie. I hope I’ll be seeing you again soon.’
‘I hope so, too.’
She headed towards the door. Even before she opened it Abraham twitched in her arms as Mrs Van Dyke reached for the remote control and the sound boomed around the apartment again.
Carrie smiled as she closed the door behind her.
She lifted her head. It was as if her own doorway was beckoning from across the hall. She’d barely been in there for the past few days. Just twice for a shower, a change of clothes or to pick up some baking ingredients.
Last time she’d been in there Dan had kissed her.
After this morning that almost seemed like a lifetime ago.
She propped Abraham up on her shoulder. She knew exactly what she was going to do now. She wanted to leave Dan to sleep a little longer. Hopefully then he would