Androu wasn’t happy about being woken from a sound sleep, but Jaya distracted him with a bottle then cuddled the pair into a nest of pillows and blankets on the floor in the lounge, a cartoon of sleepy baby animals flickering at low volume on the television.
“Maybe they’ll fall back asleep. Listen for Zephyr while I have a quick shower?”
He was used to starting his day shortchanged on sleep because of a time zone shift, but he’d barely slept and it wasn’t even six o’clock yet. No wonder new parents were so irritable.
A few minutes later, as he searched out the coffee in the kitchen, he heard a cry. It wasn’t from either of the toddlers. As he moved into the hall, the unhappy sounds grew louder. Pushing into Jaya’s room, he found Zephyr sitting up in his cot with big tears on his cheeks, eyes wide and lost.
It’s not a test, Jaya had said, but it was. Not just of his fatherly instincts, of which he had none, but of his ability to keep his emotional blocks from damaging this baby.
Therefore, inadequate as he felt, he couldn’t leave the tyke wet and scared to wait for his mother just because she knew how to reassure with affection and he didn’t.
At least a diaper change was his first priority. Funny how that seemed like a reprieve from more demanding tasks. Surprisingly, he nailed it in one go. Even got the kid back into his jammies without misaligning any snaps.
Zephyr seemed to want to keep his blanket with him, so Theo wrapped it around the boy’s tiny body and snugged him closer to the warmth of his own chest, concerned that the air conditioning was set too low in the lounge.
Whether it was the warmth of his body or he was still sleepy, he seemed content enough to be carried into the lounge.
The older babies had both dropped off and Theo found himself standing over them, Zephyr’s silky hair under his chin smelling familiar even though it wasn’t anything he really knew.
Babies were unwieldy responsibilities that were so great, they were to be run from, far and fast. That’s what he’d believed and it was true, if you were five.
He was an adult, though, perfectly capable of things like changing a diaper and making a proper meal and laundering clothes. Fearing the responsibilities of fatherhood was irrational. Millions did it every day and no one would hold him accountable with a beating if he missed getting a bit of food out of a kid’s hair during a bath.
Nevertheless, after his talk with Jaya last night, his terror at taking on the role of a father was worse, not better. He knew why, too. He still feared failing, but not because of the threat of violence. He couldn’t stand the idea of disappointing Jaya.
* * *
Jaya came out of her bathroom to find Zephyr’s cot empty and rushed out to the main room where she found Theo cradling their son like he’d been doing it all his life.
Her blood thickened to such sweet molasses, she couldn’t move. Her limbs ached and felt weak.
She must have gasped because he glanced up and touched a finger to his lips, then tilted his head to see into Zephyr’s tranquil face. In slow motion, like he was handling a chemical bomb, he tucked Zephyr next to his sleeping cousins on the floor and drew their blanket over him.
She was done. Finished. Melted into a puddle on the floor that housekeeping would have to mop up and wring out of the strings.
He added a final blow by fetching his phone off the dining table and snapping a picture of the children piled together like a litter of kittens.
Removing the hand she’d pressed to her mouth, she accused in a whisper, “You’re sentimental.”
He shrugged, striding toward the kitchenette where he set his phone on the table and began making coffee. “We’re not likely to catch them all together like that again, are we? Not all asleep.”
The breath she took was coated in powdered glass. “I thought about sending the photo from last night to your sister, but you haven’t told her, have you? Will you?”
He slowed his movements. “Since she’s my boss and it starts with explaining that I slept with an employee—”
“Not technically.”
He kicked up a brow, unimpressed with the fine line. “Still not the best example.” He pushed the button that started the espresso maker. “And I’m still wrapping my head around it. I’d rather keep things simple until I know how we’re going to proceed.”
She tried to hide her disappointment, then thought, Why should I?
“That’s not really fair to Zephyr, is it? I mean, they’re his cousins.” She waved at the bumps under the blanket. “My relationship with Saranya was the most important of my life.” Not an understatement. “We grew up together and when I needed her, she was there. You don’t just call a cousin out of the blue when your life implodes. Not unless you’ve been close all along.”
She braced against his asking her how her life had imploded, but he only folded his arms and hitched a hip against the counter.
“I didn’t think of it like that. I keep thinking how much they’re like us. The age mix is different, of course. I’m barely a year younger than Adara and Demitri is almost four years younger than me, but we were only a few years older than Evie and practically left to raise ourselves. Adara was all I had for a mother figure and she was looking after Demitri. I guess some part of me thought it was too much to ask of Evie and Androu to take on Zephyr, but they have functioning parents.”
“So does he,” she reminded, wishing she could be amused by his almost naïve misreading of the situation, but it was so tragic. “Is that why Adara always seems so...” She searched for the right word to describe her former boss that wouldn’t insult the whole family. “I always thought you and she seemed very introspective.”
He snorted. “You mean aloof? Distant? Cold? I’ve been called worse and yeah, we’re not the most demonstrative family, but Adara did the best she could. I can’t fault her. I’d do anything for her.”
Ignoring the pang of jealousy that struck, she listened deeper, hearing exactly how far he was willing to go on his sister’s behalf.
“Did you step in to protect her from your father?” Part of her knew she shouldn’t ask. She didn’t want to open up her own wounds and show them off so she couldn’t expect him to, but her heart ached for the boy he’d been.
He flinched and turned away to set a tiny cup on a silver saucer. “Not that it did much good. She still caught her share. Demitri was the one we worried about. He was so little.”
“Oh, Theo. And you think you’re not cut out to be a father?”
“Have you seen how Demitri turned out? If that’s my work, I’d be scared. The man’s a menace.” He offered her the first coffee.
“You have that one. I like mine with steamed milk.” She stepped into place before the machine and filled the receptacles. “And yes, I have met your brother. Thank goodness for the repellant that is the Makricosta uniform because we all would have been pregnant. He’s very adept with the ladies.”
“Were you attracted to him?” His sharp gaze made her very aware of her nakedness under the robe she’d pulled on when she’d realized Zephyr had been stolen from his cot.
“I can’t deny he’s good-looking, but no, not really attracted.” Not the same way I’m attracted to you. She pretended that the spurt of coffee and steamed milk required close attention, using it to hide the betraying longing she shouldn’t be feeling toward him.
“A year and a half ago you weren’t dating because your career was too important. Now Zephyr’s in the way, isn’t he?”
“I wouldn’t put it like that, but he’s definitely a factor. I’m not about to introduce a string of men into his life. So yes, between him and what’s been going