to, didn’t want to look into her gorgeous green eyes and see the love in them. Keeping himself at an emotional distance had worked while he was bringing up Angelina. He’d never admitted to himself or his sister that he loved her. That was what had kept her safe, kept her in his life.
But Lisa wasn’t Angelina. She wasn’t the baby sister he so wanted to hate for being his mother’s choice in a decision that she later paid for with her life. Lisa was his wife, the woman he’d thought he could enjoy passion and desire with, be a husband to, all without giving his heart. That fatal commitment that always made a person leave him, his life. He’d long since been secure in the notion that if he didn’t engage his emotions he couldn’t be hurt—couldn’t hurt anyone.
‘It doesn’t have to define you, Max,’ she said softly, too softly. He looked down at her, noticing she wore less make-up than usual. She’d stepped out from behind the façade of bright, bubbly and in-control Lisa to tell him how she really felt and he’d thrown it back at her—again.
‘We never talked of our past before we married, did we?’ He turned his attention back to the water and somewhere in the distance the eerie sound of sirens pierced the night, as if the truth of all she’d said was piercing his armour, cracking it open and exposing the young child who still lingered within, hurt and afraid.
‘Maybe neither of us were ready to share those secrets.’ She spoke so softly that he almost didn’t hear her. He sensed her moving closer, felt her arm against his and he clenched his jaw hard as need for her began to bubble to the surface once more. ‘But it’s not too late.’
Was she right? Could he do that, tell her why he’d been a hard and dominating brother to Angelina and why he could no longer look his stepfather in the eye, knowing he’d been the one to stand back and allow his mother to make such a momentous decision? Could he tell Lisa that he wanted to love her, wanted to love his child, but that he didn’t trust himself not to hurt her? That he couldn’t stand it if she left him once he’d opened his heart to her.
‘It won’t change anything, Lisa.’
‘But I’m willing to take the chance, Max—for our baby, not for me.’
He turned to face her once more. ‘Why would you do that? Why stay with a man who can’t love you and maybe can’t even love his child?’
‘You know my past now, Max. You know why I want a father for my child, one who will always be there, not one who turns up and uses his child to get at me. I would rather be a single mother, completely on my own, than put my child through that.’
She was doing what his mother had done. Sacrificing herself, her needs for those of her child, albeit for very different reasons. ‘Why? You saw where I grew up when my mother and I moved to Madrid after my father walked out.’
‘It has nothing to do with where I’d live.’ She looked at him, imploring him to understand. ‘It’s because I want to be a better mother than mine was. I want to care and love my child, to give it all it needs and that includes a permanent father. But only you know if I can manage that last part.’
He looked at Lisa, at the way her lovely red hair moved in the light wind, at the rosy glow the cold was bringing to her pale cheeks. He knew so little of her past. Was that where everything had started to go wrong? They’d allowed passion to rule, never words.
‘You’ve never really mentioned your mother.’
‘Because she never wanted me, never cared for me in any way. I was completely left to my own devices and if one good thing has come out of seeing my older stepbrother constantly being sought out by the police, it’s that I decided to lift myself out of that rut. Not to be the girl from the wrong side of town. I studied hard at school and later got my degree with honours in physiotherapy. My mother hates that I did well in life. She is constantly looking for ways of bringing me back down.’
His heart ached for Lisa, who like Angelina hadn’t known a mother’s love, but it still didn’t make it any easier for him to let go of his emotions, to feel love, much less show it. If anything the expectations she’d just heaped on made it harder.
‘She would really do that?’ He thought of the hard and unyielding woman he’d met just one week before he’d married Lisa and knew without a doubt that she was capable of that. Life had made her tough, taught her to inflict hurt, but how far would she go to teach her daughter a lesson for bettering herself? How could any mother want to do that?
‘She would, but can we forget this now? All of it and move forward? We are having a baby together, Max, and I don’t want to do it alone, but I will if I have to.’
He pulled her into his arms, sympathy rushing over him for the open vulnerability in her face. ‘You won’t be doing it alone, not while I have breath in my body.’
He meant every word. He would be there for her and for his baby. Lisa hadn’t asked him now for love, hadn’t said that was what she needed as he’d made his promise, one similar to that his mother had extracted from him. He’d promised his mother he’d look after Angelina and he had; for the last twenty years he’d been there for her, ensuring she had all she physically needed. He could do that for his child, couldn’t he?
* * *
Lisa closed her eyes and sank into Max’s embrace. He’d shared his secrets with her, opened up to her. Now, at last they could move forward, become a family and bring up their child together. It was all she’d ever wanted and with the exception of Max’s love she had it all.
She looked up into his face and the sadness in his eyes made him look so different—real. He’d lost that hard edge that gave him the command of total control. Was this the real man?
‘It’s cold out here.’ She snuggled tighter against him, anything to stop herself saying something stupid, like I love you. She could never let those words past her lips again.
‘Now you’ve noticed.’ He laughed, looking and sounding more relaxed than he’d ever done. Was it because he’d unburdened his past, confided in her in a way she’d only ever dreamt possible? ‘Shall we go back?’
‘No, let’s walk a while. The cold is invigorating.’
He kissed her so gently she was sure it tasted of love and as her body began to hum with desire she wished she’d asked him to take her back to his apartment, to his bed. The kiss intensified as the stirrings of passion began to boil higher and she kissed him back, deeply and passionately.
Inside her mind she was shouting to him. I love you, Max, with all my heart.
She continued the kiss, wanting to stop the words from tumbling from her mouth, and as the fury of passion threatened to spill over, like a dam about to be breached, she wanted to show him with the kiss how much she loved him.
He pulled away from her slightly, the cold night air tingling on her lips, still warm and bruised from the ferocity of his kiss. ‘It’s a damn shame I can’t lure you into my bed instead of walking in this weather.’
Pleasure and heat rushed around her as his desire filled eyes that held hers, calling her into his bed in a way she was powerless to resist. ‘On second thoughts—’
His brow raised in amusement. ‘Yes?’
‘That sounds a much better idea—and warmer.’
He took her hand and led her back along the embankment footpath, retracing their steps. ‘I can guarantee it will be warmer—a lot warmer.’
* * *
Lisa woke late the next morning to find the bed cold and empty beside her, but memories from last night warmed her as the fire at the cottage had done. She’d poured all her love into last night’s lovemaking, had tried so hard to show him what she wanted him to know without a word passing her lips. Were those three words really necessary?
If she could silence them, show her love with every caress and kiss, every gesture and thought, did it mean that Max was doing the same? Was her Christmas