her entire body aching, real, physical pain tearing at her. She turned to the side and rested her head on his shoulder, her hand on his face. He wrapped an arm around her and held her to him.
“But that changed me,” he said, his voice strong. “It made me grow up. Made me move forward. It taught me to value control. Responsibility and planning. It’s why I’m here. Why I’m so successful and not some burned out, ex-college football star has-been.”
He believed it. She could tell he did. But the road to success had been hard. It had hurt. And along with conviction, she heard the pain in his voice, too.
“Arrogance, impulsiveness. That leads to disaster. It creates grief. Needless grief,” he said.
She wished she could tell him how much she loved him, but she knew that it was the last thing he wanted to hear. So she just held him, and let him hold her. Let him offer her comfort, so that he didn’t realize she sas offering him everything.
“So,” she said after a while, “do you want me to go?”
“I want you here,” he said. “Spend the night with me.”
“Sure, Zack,” she said, breathing a sigh of relief.
He tightened his hold on her and neither of them spoke.
Tonight they were together. She hoped she didn’t fall asleep. She didn’t want to miss a moment.
Clara rolled over and stretched in the morning, her eyes opening to a familiar sight. Zack’s room. Though, it wasn’t familiar at all to wake up in Zack’s room. Even less familiar to wake up in Zack’s room after making love with him all night.
A slow smile spread across her lips, followed by a pang of sadness when she remembered their conversation. When she remembered his story about his son.
She looked at Zack, his eyes still closed. She wished, more than anything, that she could take his pain from him. His grief was something she couldn’t begin to understand, the kind of cut it would leave so deep she wasn’t sure if it could heal. She knew it couldn’t, not really. It would never disappear. He’d said himself it had changed him. Had changed the course of his entire life.
His eyes opened and he smiled. “Good morning.”
“Morning.”
“So, I guess we should get ready to go to work,” she said.
“You think so?”
“Well, it’s almost time.”
“True,” he said, wrapping his arms around her and rolling her beneath him. “But you might be able to go in late today. I know the boss.”
“So do I,” she said, wiggling underneath him. “He’s kind of intense about people being at work on time. A bit anal, even.”
His eyebrows shot up. “Really? Well, I have a feeling that he’ll look the other way today.”
“I got an invitation in the mail. For me and my wife.” Zack walked into her office and tossed a cream-colored envelope onto her desk.
She grimaced. “Don’t people read the news?”
“Well, I called the charity putting the event on and I explained to them what happened. Of course, they would still like me to come and buy two dinners at four hundred dollars a plate, so my new fiancée is more than welcome.”
“Well, hopefully the deal will be finalized by then,” she said, looking down at the spiteful ring. “And I’ll be off the hook.”
“Good for both of us, but even if you are, you still might like to come. As my friend.”
“Right.” Yes. They were friends. First and foremost, before the sex stuff. At least in his mind. She was his friend, and he was hers, her very best friend. But he was so much more to her than that.
“It’s for charity. Something I’ve been planning on for a while, though, thanks to everything that’s been happening the timing slipped my mind. And I can’t take anyone else until all of this is finished.”
She noticed he didn’t say that he didn’t want to take anyone else. Only that he couldn’t.
Being a bit oversensitive, aren’t we? Maybe. Or maybe not.
“When is it?” she asked.
“Thursday. How are things going today? Have you come up with anything to go with the white tea from Amudee’s? I’m thinking of a gourmet tea cake. Wondering if we could start making our own preserves. That has definite mass-market appeal. Are you closer to reaching a deal?”
“It looks that way. I’m optimistic. He’s a hard man to read but he seems reasonably satisfied that Roasted is run to the sort of standards he likes to see.”
“Good.” She fought the urge to reach out and touch him, to forge a connection. That would just come across as needy and she didn’t want to seem needy. Even if she did feel a little bit needy.
“What’s this?” He took a sheet of paper off her desk and she cringed.
“Uh … a list I was making. For my bakery.”
Her bakery. The dream that wasn’t really her dream. She loved her job at Roasted, but if things didn’t work out with Zack she was going to need her escape more than ever.
“Oh. Right.” He set it back down. “Working on it during business hours?”
“Or during lunch. Or maybe during business hours, but you know I put my time in,” she said stiffly.
“I’m not going to give you special treatment just because we slept together.”
His words hung in the air, too loud in the small office, and far too harsh for her already-tender insides.
“Of course not. That would be ridiculous,” she said, picking up a stack of unidentified papers from her desk and walking over to the industrial stapler. She punched it down in three places and hoped that they were at least documents that went together. “Why would you do that?”
The truth was, he had always treated her like she was special, and having him say something like that made her feel demoted.
“You know what I meant.”
“I guess I don’t.”
He rounded her desk and cupped her chin with his thumb and forefinger, tilting her face up so that she had to meet his eyes. He leaned in and pressed a light kiss to her lips. He didn’t apologize. He didn’t say anything. Even so, all of the fight drained out of her.
“I’m going to be busy tonight,” he said.
That was probably for the best. Distance was probably a really, really good idea. Because she desperately didn’t want it, and that meant she very likely needed it. Because last night was proof neither of them were thinking clearly where the other was concerned.
They’d done it again. And there could be no more sex. None. It was too dangerous for her, too stupid. Too little. It was physical only for Zack, and she wanted more. She needed more.
“All right. Me, too, actually.” She’d find something to be busy with. She would. Except, the only people she ever hung out with, besides Zack, were the people she worked with. And it would be hard hanging out with them now when she was lying to them.
Maybe she’d work on some of the tea pastries she’d been thinking of.
“See you tomorrow, then. At work,” she said, feeling very accomplished that she was managing to seem cool and aloof about the whole thing.
“See you then,” he said, nodding and walking out of the room.
When