pregnancy’s the reason you married him?”
She was ashamed to admit the truth. “I married him because I’d convinced myself I loved him and that he loved me. He didn’t want the baby. He thought it best to terminate the pregnancy.”
Jon was silent as he leaned back in his chair.
Unable to remain sitting, Maryellen stood and walked into the living room, stopping by Katie’s bassinet. She peered at her sleeping baby, tears trickling down her cheeks. Impatiently she dashed them away.
There would be other pregnancies, other babies, Clint had told her, but the timing was critical. Maryellen had listened to him. She went against every dictate of her heart, and she’d regretted it from that moment on. For years she’d struggled with the guilt and the shame of what she’d done. What she’d never admitted to herself or to Clint, until it was too late, was how much she’d wanted her baby. She didn’t blame her ex-husband. She was the one who walked into the clinic. The one who’d signed the consent form. She accepted full responsibility.
“Maryellen,” Jon said, coming up behind her. He placed his hands on her shoulders. “It’s all right—there’s no need to say any more. I can figure out what happened.”
“Can you?”
Jon turned her and brought her into his arms.
“I didn’t want you to know I was pregnant last year,” she said, her face buried in his shoulder. “I was afraid you’d react the way Clint did.”
“I’m not Clint.”
“I know. You’re nothing like him. I know that now.” What she didn’t know was anything about his past. Even now, more than a year later, she’d learned very little—just fragments of his history. Small bits of information he’d let drop now and then. Every time she pried into his life, he pulled away from her, both physically and emotionally. Maryellen had come to rely on him in so many ways, she couldn’t bear to risk that withdrawal, so she kept her questions to herself.
She slowly raised her eyes to Jon’s, fearing what she’d see. Instead of condemnation and repulsion, she saw understanding and love. If he’d judged her harshly, she wasn’t sure what she would have done. When she saw his love, her reaction was instinctive.
She kissed him.
It’d been weeks since they’d last touched, since she’d been in his arms. Maryellen hadn’t truly understood how much she’d missed him—everything about him—and the moment their mouths met, she lost control.
Jon’s reaction was immediate. He splayed his fingers in her hair and their kisses became passionate, full of desperation and need. When he broke it off, he had to catch his breath. Maryellen clung to him, her own breathing labored.
“I’m not sure this is such a good idea,” he said as he disengaged her arms from around his neck. Holding both her hands in his, he retreated a step.
This was what Maryellen had dreaded. Her heart sank as she pulled her hands free. She’d waited too long to tell him, delayed explaining. “There’s someone else…isn’t there?”
“Someone else?” he repeated. “No way.” He reached for her and brought her back into his arms. Then he kissed her again, and again. Harder, deeper, longer.
He was telling her the truth; she had her answer. Although she knew almost nothing about Jon, she trusted him. He couldn’t kiss her like this if he was involved with another woman. Soon, however, he eased away from her again, his reluctance obvious.
Maryellen didn’t want him to stop, and when she managed to shake off the warm haze that enveloped her, she opened her eyes and stared up at him.
“Jon?” That was when she realized he planned to end their lovemaking. “Don’t stop,” she pleaded, “please don’t stop.”
“You don’t know what you’re asking.”
“I do know. You don’t want me?” She hated the plea she heard in her own voice.
For just a moment, a hint of a smile touched his mouth. “In case you haven’t noticed, I want you very much.”
“But I…I want you, too.” She blushed as she said it. Until Jon, there’d only been one man in her life, so she didn’t say those words lightly. If they were lovers again, he’d know she was sincere, he’d know she regretted the way she’d treated him earlier. He’d know how much she wanted him to be a permanent part of her life and Katie’s.
Slowly, Jon shook his head.
Stunned and hurt, Maryellen retreated a step. She could only imagine what he must think of her, blatantly throwing herself at him like that. Perhaps this was his way of punishing her. She’d been brutal in her rejection of him and now it was her turn.
Jon frowned, and his eyes narrowed. “I don’t know what you’re thinking, but whatever it is, you’re wrong.”
Katie began to wake—the perfect excuse for Maryellen to turn away and recover her pride and her composure. The moment she lifted Katie from the carrier, Maryellen could tell the baby needed changing.
“She needs a fresh diaper,” she said, welcoming the excuse to leave the room.
Jon wouldn’t allow her to escape. He followed her into the nursery. “Are you on the pill?” he demanded.
“No…” There wasn’t any need for her to be.
“I don’t have anything to protect you.”
She was an idiot. Of course he was worried about birth control. They were already batting a thousand, and there was no guarantee that she couldn’t, wouldn’t, get pregnant a second time.
“I’m still nursing, and there’s less likelihood I’d get caught.” But that sounded weak, even to her own ears. She’d been caught easily enough with Katie. “That isn’t why you refused me, though, is it?”
“No.” At least he was honest, even if the truth hurt. “No,” he repeated. “The fact is, Maryellen, I’m not interested in another one-night stand with you.”
“Do you seriously think that’s what I wanted?” She quickly disposed of the wet diaper and exchanged it for a fresh one. “I…I didn’t plan to invite you into my bed, if that’s what you’re thinking. Dinner wasn’t about that. It just sort of…went in that direction.” Although she’d hoped this meeting would be a new beginning for them—emotionally and, yes, physically.
“It doesn’t matter what I believe.”
“You’re right,” she said, tucking Katie against her hip. Her face was hot with anger and embarrassment. “You’re absolutely right. This entire discussion is ridiculous. I apologize for my presumption. I’m sorry….” If he didn’t leave soon, she was going to humiliate herself even more.
Jon hesitated and Maryellen was afraid she’d have to ask him to leave.
Then he turned abruptly and left the room. She followed him and didn’t try to stop him when he grabbed his jacket and walked out the door.
Her stomach was in knots as she held her daughter close to her heart. “I blew it,” she told Katie. Hard as she’d tried to make this night special, she’d failed. She’d hoped so much that this evening would be the turning point for her and Jon, but all she’d managed to do was alienate him.
And in the process, break her own heart.
Eighteen
What had seemed such a brilliant plan earlier was rapidly becoming a problem, Zach mused at his desk. School had resumed after Christmas vacation, and Allison had started working for Smith, Cox and Jefferson today. She seemed to take pride in dressing outrageously—in a manner guaranteed to embarrass him with his associates. Zach was somewhat horrified that she’d gone to school looking like she’d just climbed out of bed, complete with