she said, looking at it appraisingly. And then, glancing up at him, ‘I’m experimenting with some funky macaroons.’
‘Looks like you’ve liquidised a frog.’
A second glance up at him. And the faint glimmer of a smile touched the corners of her mouth. His heart twisted as he noticed how tired she looked. He ached to just grab her and sweep her into a hug and he clenched his fists in a supreme effort to stop himself doing just that. He needed to talk to her first. To apologise. To make it right.
‘Lucy, I’m sorry,’ he said. When she didn’t look up, he walked over to her. Putting an arm around her, he firmly removed the spatula from her hand and cast it onto the worktop next to the ghastly blob of green stuff. She still didn’t speak but she made no move to stop him as he propelled her over to a chair. Pushing her to sit down, he knelt down in front of her and took both of her cold hands in his. They were sticky from the cake mixture.
He looked deeply into her clear green eyes. ‘I had no right to talk to you like that about your parents.’ He searched her face for some response. ‘After everything they put you through, I don’t know what I was thinking.’ She simply looked at him as he squeezed her hands. ‘Lucy, I’m so sorry.’
‘How did you know I’d be here?’ she asked, after a moment.
He smiled gently at her. ‘Because I know you, Lu. Almost as well as you know yourself. Remember when there was that hitch when you were setting up the shop lease? And that time you crashed your car? You trashed my kitchen and cooked for England. When normal people need time to think they go for a drive, or maybe a walk. You cook. You had to be somewhere with an oven. I tried your flat. I just narrowed it down.’
A wry smile.
‘So am I forgiven?’ He looked at her hopefully.
She smiled at him properly this time and he felt a surge of relief that made his head swim. ‘You are forgiven,’ she said. ‘But only on condition that you quit stepping outside your remit. I asked you for a few pointers on how to propose. I didn’t expect you to try and counsel me about my past like some agony aunt. Agreed?’
He could hear the tiredness in her voice but she sounded absolutely resolute. He was prepared to accept anything at this moment in order to make it all right.
‘Agreed,’ he said, thankfully. Standing up, he hooked another chair from the corner of the room with one foot and pulled it over, sitting down next to her.
She loosened her unruly curls and caught them back up, forcing the pencil more securely through them. ‘Anyway, things didn’t turn out so badly after all,’ she told him, without meeting his eyes. ‘I took your advice and went to see my dad.’ And without waiting for any further response from him she stood up and went back to the worktop, picking up the spatula and scooping a blob of the green macaroon mixture onto some baking paper.
‘Oh?’ He didn’t dare venture any comment for fear of saying the wrong thing. She’d only just forgiven his behaviour and there was no way he intended to risk another argument.
She glanced briefly around at him. ‘I know,’ she said. ‘I can’t believe it, either. I’m really proud of myself. I was so angry with you for suggesting I let them back into my life. You had no right. But the trouble was, once you’d said it I couldn’t stop thinking about it. It drove me mad, until I just had to go and see him to find out how I really feel.’
‘And how do you really feel?’ He wasn’t sure he really wanted to know the answer to that.
‘Well, I’m not scared of him any more.’ She put the spatula down and turned to face him, leaning back against the worktop. ‘You should see him, Gabe. He’s just a sad old man now. His drinking doesn’t look any better but he seems to be holding down a job, so it can’t be that terrible, can it? I feel like maybe I could have a relationship with him now on my own terms. I have my own life now and I can choose how much of a part he plays in that. I’m totally in control.’ She smiled at him and his heart felt as if it would liquefy at the relief he saw in her face. ‘It’s a good feeling. I’ve been putting him out of my mind for so long. It’s so lovely not to have to do that any more.’
It was no good. He had to ask the question that bothered him the most. ‘And how’s things with Ed?’ He kept his voice as neutral as he could, betraying no feelings.
The oven alarm sounded suddenly and they both jumped. Lucy broke their eye contact to cross the room and remove some cupcakes. With her back to him she was mercifully unable to see the agony that crossed Gabriel’s face as she said, ‘Good, thanks. If anything this has made me more certain than ever.’ She put the cakes down on a cooling rack and turned back to him, removing the oven gloves from her hands.
‘Really? You’re going ahead with the proposal?’ His heart felt like lead in his chest. As if someone had wrung it suddenly, or maybe stamped on it.
‘Yes.’ She took a skewer from the counter and stabbed it into one of the cupcakes. ‘You’ve done me a favour, Gabe. If I wasn’t sure before I damn well am now. I can’t change my past but I can shape my future. What I have with Ed is based on the most important things. All the things that were missing for my parents, why their relationship was such a train wreck. Ed and I don’t compare with what they were. I can make my own family now and I know I’ll get it right.’
Gabriel’s heart constricted in his chest. He forced himself to smile at her. ‘Great. That’s great. I’m sure it will all be fine.’
She looked really happy. Tired but determined. And she’d been through so much. He dug his nails into his palms so hard that they left a mark. Because of your selfish desire to keep her to yourself you’ve put her through hell this last week. Well, no more. As he stood there in that moment he hated himself more than he’d ever hated anyone. He, who was supposed to care about her, not caring how much he hurt her as long as the outcome was what he wanted. He now admitted to himself that he loved her. That he’d loved her for years. It was pointless denying it. Too late to tell her now and it served him right. How could he turn her life upside down again when she was so happy and settled?
He made a decision on the spot. He would back right off. And with good grace this time. No petulant outbursts like the one he’d had in Smith’s. She would get married to Ed. Live a long and happy life with her kids and her business. And he would stick with the role of friend. Embrace it and be grateful for it. This week he’d proved to himself that he was barely worthy of that.
She was moving the cupcakes onto a rack now, her attention totally taken up with them. He needed to get out of here.
‘I’ll get going now, Lu. I can see you’re busy.’ He walked steadily across the room and leaned over her shoulder to kiss her cheek. Closing his eyes, he breathed in the scent of her. She smelled sweet, like vanilla, and he felt his body respond instantly, involuntarily. He clenched his fists tightly and stepped away immediately as if burned. She was so engrossed in what she was doing that she didn’t even notice.
‘OK,’ she said without looking up. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow, then. What time are you picking me up?’
He floundered momentarily. What the hell was she talking about? And then he remembered. His work dinner. That would be some kind of torture now. But maybe he could use it as an opportunity to work on their friendship. Set some new boundaries that might help him to let go of the image of her as something more than a friend. As his lover. Find a way to help him carry on as just her friend.
‘I’ll pick you up at seven,’ he called over his shoulder on the way out. He didn’t wait for an answer.
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