egg making her sick, and it wasn’t her mother or money stopping her from following her heart now, it wasn’t even her.
She was in no position to be getting immunisations and going off the beaten track.
No position at all.
Of that, she was almost certain.
SHE’D bought several pregnancy tests from this chemist without giving it a thought. Ellie panicked on regular occasions, but now that the test was for herself, she felt as if she knew half the shop and was sure the girl serving was the daughter of one of her mum’s friends, though hopefully she didn’t recognise her.
They’d been careful, Alison told herself as she took her little parcel home.
But not quite careful enough, Alison realised as she stared at the little blue cross. And maybe it was coincidence, but as her mind drifted to Nick, his must have drifted to her, because she felt the buzz of her phone.
Can I see you before I go?
Still sick, Alison replied.
I can come over. Do you need anything?
She was tempted to text back Pram, cot, nappies, but instead she wrapped all the evidence back up in a paper bag, put that inside a carrier bag and then in another one and then put it in the outside bin before she texted him back the absolute truth.
I need space.
‘YOU missed a great night!’ Moira was at her most bubbly, so too was everyone else as Alison dragged herself into work. ‘Nick knows how to have a good time.’
It was all she heard all morning.
How great the party had been, how much everyone would miss him, and Alison couldn’t face the staffroom on her lunch break, so instead she slipped outside to the little patch of grass behind Emergency, sat in the sun and tried not to think that this time tomorrow he would be on a plane.
There was no question that she must tell him.
The baby was his, he had a right to know, and their child had a right to know about its father too.
And, yes, Alison thought as she closed her eyes and the sun warmed her skin, it would be more sensible by far to have this difficult conversation face to face, but it would be so much easier another way.
She could plan what she said better, Alison told herself, tried to convince herself.
He needed to know that there would be no pressure on him.
It was her choice to keep the baby.
It would be better by email, Alison decided, then wavered. The truth was she couldn’t stand to see his reaction as she crushed all his dreams.
‘Am I disturbing you?’ Amy sat on the bench beside her.
‘Not at all,’ Alison said.
‘I just wanted a bit of peace.’ Amy gave a tired smile. ‘I’ve got so much going on at the moment and they’re all…’ Her voice trailed off for a moment. ‘I’m going to miss Nick,’ she said, and Alison looked, really looked, and saw a flash of tears in the registrar’s eyes. Then Amy’s phone bleeped and she looked down and smiled as she read the text.
‘Speak of the devil.’
This time Alison made sure she was actually in the toilet cubicle when she had her little meltdown.
She was overreacting, she told herself, and yet…and yet. Amy had been acting differently lately and she and Nick did get on.
What? her angry brain demanded. When she had gone home to her mum’s, had Amy come round?
Had Nick told Amy to keep things quiet too?
Oh, God!
Up came her coffee and half a slice of toast and down came the tears.
She needed her head straight, needed to really think this through before she told him.
Somehow she got through the rest of the day. Amy shut herself in her office, no doubt to cry over him, Alison thought savagely.
By the time she was on the bus-ride home she had visions of Amy and herself stuck together in the same maternity ward.
Hell, maybe Moira would be there too.
‘Alison!’ She nearly jumped out of skin as she stepped off the bus and Nick was waiting for her. ‘I was hoping we could talk. I don’t want to leave with things as they are,’ Nick said, as she walked along silently beside him. ‘I don’t want it to end on this note…’
It wasn’t going to!
They walked down the road and he suggested something to eat, which was the last thing she wanted. ‘Can we just sit?’
So they sat on a bench and watched the world go by for a moment.
‘Alison, I don’t know what happened,’ Nick admitted. ‘I know you think the paramedic insinuated something—I didn’t see it as that. Alison, if I had thought for a moment. Do you really think I’d let someone speak about you like that?’
‘How will you speak of me?’ Her eyes glittered with challenge. ‘When you’re showing your photos, how are you going to describe me?’
‘Confusing,’ Nick said, ‘because sometimes I feel closer to you than I ever have to anyone and other times…’
Nick was very easy to talk to, it was she that wasn’t. She was concentrating so hard on not crying, on not challenging him, on just getting through, she hardly said a word.
‘Will you please at least think about Asia?’ Nick said to her silence.
‘I can’t go to Asia.’
‘Alison, if it’s the money…’
‘It’s not the money,’ Alison gulped, ‘it’s…’ And she bit down on her lips, because she needed to know how she felt before she shared it with him, needed just a moment’s pause before everything in her life suddenly changed.
‘Just go, Nick.’
‘Just like that?’ he challenged.
‘Just like that,’ she confirmed.
And because it had just been a few weeks, because there was no baggage, because he was just moving on, he took her at her word and stood, and so did Alison.
‘Do you want to keep in touch?’ Nick offered, because the poor man had no idea what was coming, no idea just how in touch they’d need to be.
And she didn’t say a word, just nodded, and because she had to, it was Alison who walked away.
‘You okay, darling?’
‘Yes. Sorry I was late, I went to the flat.’
‘You’re not at work, Alison,’ the new Rose said. ‘You don’t have to apologise for being late. How’s the flat looking?’
‘Orchid white.’ Alison gave a wry smile. ‘I’ve finished the lounge, I’m going back tomorrow to do a couple of other rooms, but it looks like an indoor tennis centre with that carpet.’
‘It will be fine once it’s got the furniture in,’ Rose said, and then sat down. ‘You know, I’ve been looking at some brochures…’ She handed one to Alison and for just a second Alison wondered if she knew, because there were pictures of London and her mind