her bare feet. Bits of her thesis were still scattered round the living room. She went round picking them up, and took them over to the table.
Æthelgar. The name that had burned in her head last night seemed cold and lifeless now: like ashes in a grate. She gazed at the word with a vague sense of resentment – then dumped her notes on top, and crushed it flat.
She could remember the book quite clearly – tucked away at the end of a shelf. Myth and Magic in Medieval Europe. One of Daddy’s expensive books. One of the ones he’d told her not to touch.
She’d kept away at first, like a good little girl. But curiosity had got the better of her in the end. She could see herself now, nine or ten years old and sitting on the carpeted floorboards with an open book before her, the summer evening sunlight spread like syrup on the wall.
The first book was huge, too big for her to hold. Most of the pages were grey, and rough: a bit like paper towels. But some were smooth and shiny, with black and white photos – or paintings in glorious colour, like the sun breaking through clouds.
It was called The Flowering of the Middle Ages. She’d often seen Daddy browsing through it, sitting in his easy chair beside the window. There was a painting of a knight on the cover – a horseman with a dark, mysterious face. So this evening she’d come in, and hauled it down off its shelf, and slowly started leafing through the pages. The words were dull and difficult, but the pictures held her spellbound.
The second book had caught her eye as she’d put the first away. Magic was the word that had intrigued her. At her age, it meant mystery, romance – and something more: a cleverness she envied. She wasn’t quite sure what Medieval meant, but knew it was to do with the Middle Ages. ‘Evil’ was clearly a part of it, though. Perhaps it was because they’d been wickeder times …
She’d pulled the book out carefully. It was smaller than the other one, but thicker; it felt almost as heavy. Sitting herself down again, she started going through it. But this book, it turned out, was mostly words: page after page of them, densely packed. Only a handful of photos, and those were black and white. One shiny-looking page was folded over. She opened it out, and found the photo of an odd-looking drawing, covering both pages: a circle filled with scribbling and stars. She could see no pattern to them, but guessed they were arranged in constellations. Martin would know about those, of course. She wondered if he’d seen it.
The writing was difficult to read, like the place names on their shire-map in the hall. She looked for a caption. It was there at the foot of the facing page.
The enigmatic Malmesbury Star-Chart. Fourteenth century.
Enigmatic was a word she had recently learned. It meant ‘mysterious’, Mummy said. But surely the man who had written this book knew what constellations were. A map of the stars, with the names written in. So what made it mysterious?
Even as she frowned over the word, she felt a sort of shadow in the room. Not from the window, where the syrup of sunlight had turned into marmalade now. Nor from the open doorway, with the rattle of pans coming through it from downstairs. It came from the thought of the unknown in this picture. Something was here that even grown-ups didn’t understand. Something to do with magic, she supposed. If this had been a story, she would doubtless be the one to find its secret. But this was Daddy’s study, and she didn’t feel excited, but uneasy.
The enigmatic stars were like a hundred open eyes.
‘Lyn!’
She jumped, and twisted round: flushing with guilt as Daddy came in through the door. He crossed the room, snatched the book up from the carpet and folded the map away – so quickly that he creased it. Closing the book, he took it back to its shelf, while Lyn just sat and watched him, feeling very cold and small.
‘How many times?’ he snapped. ‘You’re not to touch these books. They’re very valuable, some of them, very expensive. I don’t want your sticky fingermarks all over them.’
Lyn felt her sobs come rising to the surface. She pinched her lips tight shut to keep them back, but they tried to get out through her eyes instead, and squeezed them full of tears.
‘Oh, don’t start crying,’ Daddy said, still looking tired and cross. But when Lyn couldn’t keep the flow in check, he sat down in his chair, and beckoned her over, and heaved her up to huddle on his knee.
‘Shh, now,’ he murmured, as she sniffled against his worn tweed jacket. ‘Shhh …’ He stroked her hair. ‘I’m sorry I was cross, all right? It’s just that I don’t like you looking at some of those books.’
‘I washed my hands,’ she whimpered. ‘Promise.’
‘It’s not just that. Shhh. Be a brave girl, now, and listen to me. Some of those books, you see, are about things you don’t need to know about, not yet. That one you were looking at … You know what magic is, don’t you?’
She nodded.
‘Well people used to believe there were different kinds of magic – good and bad magic. That book talks a lot about bad magic. You can read it when you’re older, but if you read it now you might get upset and have bad dreams. You don’t want to have bad dreams, now do you?’
Lyn shook her head in tearful mute agreement.
‘There’s a good girl …’ He fingered her fringe; then smiled at her. The fond, familiar smile she knew of old. ‘You really like reading, don’t you? Like to find things out. That’s good, Lyn. Very good. I shouldn’t blame you.’
‘Martin calls me Bookworm,’ she mumbled.
‘Never you mind what Martin says. You keep on reading. But remember that some things aren’t for you yet. Until I think you’re old enough, all right?’
She nodded again; then hesitated. ‘Daddy … will I need glasses?’
He gave a quizzical frown. ‘What makes you think you do?’
‘Martin says I’ll need glasses, ‘cos I read too much.’
‘Does he, indeed? Well I don’t need them, and look how much I’ve read. Don’t worry about your brother, he’s just a jealous little rascal.’ He jogged her on his knee. ‘What is he?’ She smiled tremulously. ‘A jealous little rascal.’
‘That’s more like it. Come on, now. Let’s see if Mummy wants some help with supper …’
Or something. He’d said something like that. It was curious how clearly she remembered. Most of the words had faded, but the pictures were still clear. Daddy’s hair had been mostly black – not silver-grey like now. And there she’d been, still small enough to sit on his knee. So different from her tall, slim self today.
Daddy’s grown-up daughter now; the clever girl he’d always been so proud of.
Lyn sat down on the sofa, and tucked her legs up under her. A dull weight of nostalgia filled her chest. She’d already written home this week – but when she got back tonight, she’d phone as well.
After more than a decade, she could still feel a twinge of guilt. He hadn’t made her promise not to read those books again – and so, one afternoon, she’d gone and done so.
It had taken her a while to work up the nerve. He’d told her not to do it, and by and large she did what she was told. But a strange, perverse attraction won her over in the end. The lure of the forbidden: sickly-sweet. An urge to peep at things that might upset her.
She remembered how her heart had thudded as she’d taken down the heavy book, and turned its dusty pages. The picture of the star-chart had stayed in her head; a shadow at the back of her mind. Enigmatic. Secret. Her lips felt as dry as the leaves of the book as she unfolded it again.
Memory had built it up; spread out, it looked much smaller. The words still made no sense. Not even the ones around the rim, which – though clearer – had been printed