But then he entered into talks to open a store of his own. He spoke with bankers and investors, had a couple of custom suits made and his taste in suits, shoes and wine changed, becoming more expensive. I loved him. I trusted him. I thought he could do no wrong so I went along with the changes. Then I got pregnant.”
“Unplanned?” Jase asked.
She tilted her hand back and forth. “We wanted kids. We just weren’t sure when we wanted to start a family. We went away one weekend and the pregnancy was the result.”
Jase found himself not wanting to think about Sara with another man. That was crazy. Conrad had been her husband.
“What happened after your pregnancy?”
“Conrad thought we should buy a house. He was sure the investors for his own store were going to come through. We looked at several houses and there was one we really liked. I thought the price was too high, but Conrad said we could afford it. I wasn’t privy to all of his business dealings, so I believed him. He took care of the paperwork and settled on the house. I knew the mortgage payment each month seemed exorbitant but Conrad said we could manage it, and I shouldn’t worry. I was seven months pregnant then, and concerned about everything baby. The thought of planning the nursery and the baby’s playroom and decorating the rest of the house kept me more occupied than I should have been. I should have asked more questions, but I was a trusting wife.”
Jase heard the bitterness behind the words and suspected what was coming. What was it about loving someone that made a woman put good sense aside and wear blinders? He was a good one to pass judgment on that. Maybe men weren’t much different.
Because Sara had sounded angrier at herself than she did at her husband, he asked, “What didn’t you see?”
“I didn’t see that we were sinking deeper and deeper into debt. I didn’t see that Conrad’s store wasn’t doing as well as he said it was. I didn’t see that his deals with investors never materialized. I didn’t see that the expensive cars and the diamond bracelet he gave me for my birthday were just a sham to cover up everything that was happening.”
“You found out about all this after your husband died?”
“No. That wasn’t the way it happened. The way it happened made everything worse. Men came to the house one evening and repossessed Conrad’s car. Amy was two and I had gone back to work part-time because I really do love what I do. That night I started asking questions and didn’t stop, questions I should have asked a lot sooner. I found out we were so deep in debt I didn’t see how we were ever going to get out. Conrad had lied about so much. There were no investors. Anyone he’d tried to convince decided the economy was too weak. The store he managed wasn’t doing well. Our credit cards had reached their limit. I just felt so … betrayed that he kept it all from me.”
“Once trust is broken, it’s difficult to earn back.”
“Exactly. I found I couldn’t trust him. I didn’t know when to believe him. I had doubts about everything he said. That was our marriage for the next year—all filled with tension, regret and resentment. I went back to work full-time and found The Mommy Club day care instead of a private child care provider. I covered home budget costs wherever I could. But then I found out Conrad was still courting investors for a store that would never be! He was running up bar tabs and dinner tabs that we couldn’t afford. He thought I wasn’t supporting his dreams. I thought he wasn’t facing reality. And then, after a year of living like that, Conrad had a heart attack in his office at work. It was a massive coronary and he couldn’t be revived. The doctors said there was a defect that was probably congenital and Conrad never knew he had it, but I think the stress did it. Our marriage did it. I did it.”
Her voice broke and Jase realized how much all of it still affected her. He also understood what he saw in Sara’s eyes so often wasn’t just grief for her husband, but guilt for his death. That was a heavy burden to carry.
He wanted to cover her hand with his, yet tonight that didn’t seem right, not while they were talking about her husband. “His death wasn’t your fault. He brought everything on by his dishonesty.”
“I brought everything on by not probing and pushing and opening my eyes to what was happening.”
“Sara, you were a young mother with a new baby. You trusted your husband. That’s not a sin.”
“Maybe not, but it sure was a flaw. If I had demanded to be part of the financial planning as we bought the house, or even after Amy was born, everything would have been different.”
“Maybe. Maybe not. If your husband was a spender then he was a spender, and he might have needed help to curb the habit. Determination sometimes isn’t enough. It’s not much different from a drug addict, knowing she should stop and yet she can’t.”
Sara looked at him curiously when he said that, but he stopped there. He wasn’t about to go on. They were talking about Sara, not about him, and that’s the way he’d like to keep it. He’d been in his twenties before he’d finally come to terms with the fact that he was ashamed of his childhood, ashamed of how he’d ended up at Raintree in the first place. He didn’t tell anyone about that. His father didn’t talk about it, either, with good reason. How could he be proud of Jase—born illegitimate, his father unknown and his mother a drug addict? That wasn’t something Ethan liked to tell his friends. That wasn’t something that he’d ever told his friends.
Jase focused on Sara. “Looking at your situation practically, wasn’t it better after Conrad died?”
“Jase! How could you say such a thing?” She looked horrified at his putting the obvious into words.
“You know exactly what I mean. What happened with the debt?”
“Most things weren’t paid off and we still owed, not just the house that was dropping in value every day, but the furniture and the rugs and the wall paintings. After Conrad died, all the debt was left to me. He’d canceled his life insurance policy because he couldn’t make the payments, so I sold what I could—jewelry, rugs, art. I couldn’t sell the house because it had depreciated so much. All I could do was try to keep up with the mortgage payments. Amy and I had a roof over our heads, but I bought day-old bread, pasta on special and didn’t drive anywhere I didn’t have to. Thank goodness Amy was too young to realize what was going on.”
“But children pick up a lot. She probably understood that you were worried all of the time.”
“Yes, I was.”
“But your husband kept the fire insurance on the house.”
“He had to. It was required by the mortgage company. So the house was heavily insured and that’s why the insurance investigator is asking me tons of questions. It’s why he thinks I burned down my house to dig myself out of a hole.”
When Sara looked up at Jase, he knew she wasn’t going to ask the question out loud, but he could hear it, anyway. Do you think I would do such a thing?
His immediate reaction was, No, I don’t. Sara wasn’t that kind of woman. On the other hand, he’d been wrong about a woman before. Exactly how well did he know Sara? He’d invited her here on gut instinct, but now his gut instinct was also telling him to be cautious.
All he said was, “I’m sorry you have to go through this.”
She looked disappointed, maybe even hurt, and he didn’t know what to do about that. But he wasn’t about to become recklessly involved with her. That would be tantamount to marching into war without knowing where the enemy hid … to photographing refugee children without realizing they could all be victims of an attack.
No matter how much he wanted to put the past behind him, it constantly tapped him on the shoulder. Sara’s past would do the same. Her husband had lied to her and put their family in a situation no family should be in. She’d apparently loved him but she’d had to live with doubts while she tried to make her marriage work … while she’d tried to forgive what he’d done.