destination she was exhausted.
Home was still the flat she’d lived in before, which had been adapted for her in so many ways that it had made sense for him to move in with her five months earlier. After that one sweet loving there had been no question about their living together. Neither of them could have borne to do anything else.
‘I’ll take Wicksy for his walk,’ she said as she got out of the car.
‘I’ll come with you.’
‘No!’ The word came out in a flash, before she could stop it, and she was instantly contrite. ‘I’m sorry—it’s just that I need to be alone. I’m all tensed up.’
‘I’ll be waiting at home, then,’ he said in a colourless voice.
She was out for a long time, deliberately delaying her return home because of the fearful voice in her mind that warned her they were approaching a crisis, and the wrong words could destroy them both.
Part of her knew the problem had to be faced, and she wanted to go forward and deal with it. Part of her shrank away, arguing that things could be smoothed over with more time, and perhaps everything would be better in future. He might even be asleep when she returned.
But he wasn’t asleep, and she knew that the evil moment couldn’t be postponed any longer.
‘You were gone a long time,’ he said edgily. ‘I was—’
‘Don’t!’ she told him quickly. ‘Don’t say you were worried about me. Just don’t say that.’
‘Is it wrong for me to be worried about you?’
‘You overdo it. That’s all I meant.’
‘I know what a tough day you’ve had, and when you vanish into the darkness like that—’
‘Francesco, for pity’s sake,’ she groaned. ‘Why do you say things like that?’
‘Like what?’
‘Vanish into the darkness. I’m always in the darkness. It’s where I’m at home. I’m not lost in it, as you would be. Why can’t I make you understand that?’
‘I do understand it in one way—’
‘It’s not enough,’ she cried. ‘I’m not helpless, I’m not an invalid, but in your mind I’m always slightly less than a whole person.’
‘No—not really. But—you do have a disadvantage that other people don’t have—’
‘I also have advantages that other people don’t have. My memory is twice as good as yours, because I’ve trained it. I can hear things in people’s voices that you’d miss. I saved you a lot of money once by warning you that the man you were planning to do business with was untrustworthy. I could hear it in his voice. You were very lofty about that at the time. “You and your intuition!” you said. But at least you had the sense to listen to me and throw him out. He’s just started a two-year stretch for fraud, in case you didn’t know.’
‘Yes, I did. I was going to tell you, and say thank you. But I might have known you’d hear it first.’
‘Yes, you might. Perhaps I’m not as much at a disadvantage as you think.’
He sighed, and she could hear him pacing the room.
‘How did you know where to find me?’ she asked.
‘I remembered Ken from when we met him at that party. You talked to him for so long that I got jealous—until I realised it was his diving that fascinated you. You’ve called him several times since then, haven’t you?’
‘Yes, I have. It took time to set up today.’
‘I’m sure there must have been a lot of planning,’ he said in a bleak voice. ‘Booking the day, hiring the car to drive you down there, leaving the flat secretly, not telling me where you were going—that took some organising. When I found your note I checked up on Ken’s firm and discovered that you had a booking.’
‘So you jumped into your car and came down to tell me that I mustn’t dive because I didn’t have your permission?’ she said through gritted teeth.
‘Because it isn’t safe for you.’
‘It’s as safe for me as for anyone. I was on a line. Ken could have hauled me in at any time.’
‘You went behind my back,’ he said harshly.
The bitterness in his voice dulled the edge of her anger, reminding her how easy it was to hurt him. She didn’t want to hurt him, She wanted to love him as she’d done in their first carefree days; days that she knew would never come again.
‘You don’t give me any choice,’ she cried. ‘I had to do it without telling you because you’d have made such a fuss. You always do that if I try to do anything a little bit unusual.’
‘A little bit?’ he echoed. ‘You were scuba diving.’
‘Yes, and I managed perfectly well. As I knew I would. But you can’t bring yourself to believe that, can you? Sometimes I think you actually hate it when I manage to do something without you.’
‘For God’s sake, do you know what you’re saying?’
‘Yes, I’m saying I want to live my life as an adult, without having to apply to you for permission to take every breath.’
‘I’m only trying to keep you safe.’
‘I don’t want to be safe. I want the freedom to take the same risks as other people, and before I met you I had it. I loved it. But you set yourself to take it away from me, wrap me in cotton wool and lock me in a cocoon. I can’t live in there, Francesco, not even if you’re there with me. It’s like a prison, and I have to break out.’
‘Aren’t you being a bit melodramatic?’ he demanded
‘Not from where I’m standing.’
‘Meaning that I’m a gaoler?’
‘The kindest, most loving gaoler in the world,’ she said, trying to soften it. ‘I know that you love me, and it’s your love that makes you overprotective, but I can’t live that way. I’ve got to get as far out on the edge as I can without you trying to drag me back.’
‘Drag you—Now you’re talking nonsense.’
‘Anything you disagree with is nonsense, according to you. I can’t live my life wondering if you’re standing there behind me, trying to bring everything to a halt.’
‘You don’t—’
‘Francesco, listen to me, please. The really sad thing about today is that I would have loved to share it with you. It would have been wonderful to go into the water together and sink down, hand in hand. I even came to the edge of telling you. But I backed off at the last minute because I knew you’d do everything to stop me.’
‘Because I don’t want to lose you,’ he growled.
‘But you are losing me,’ she said piteously. ‘Oh, why can’t you see that?’
‘By trying to protect you? Isn’t that my job? We’re practically husband and wife, and a man looks after his wife—’
‘That shouldn’t mean putting a ball and chain on her.’
She heard his sharp intake of breath. ‘That’s a lousy thing to say.’
‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.’
‘I’d sure as hell like to know how you did mean it,’ he said bitterly.
‘It’s just that to you life is one big word—no.’
‘All right, maybe I take things a little too far,’ he grated, ‘but I don’t just ask you to say no to things you want. I wouldn’t