have no patience with the added inconvenience her involvement would cause him. If there’d ever truly been a realistic hope of her involvement.
Evidently, Esmerelda heard the commotion and came rushing back into the room.
“I’m so sorry for this,” Colleen repeated to her.
Esmerelda waved it away with a gracious smile, as if the embarrassing disaster was too minor to take note of. “Water on the carpet is not a problem.” She started forward to pick up the tray as Cade moved aside.
He addressed Esmerelda before she could. “Do you remember any letters Miz James might have sent?”
Esmerelda seemed to think the question was odd, but she nodded. “Sí. I have seen her name on some and also the fine flowers she sent. I put them on your desk like always and the flowers on this table. Do you not recall?”
Cade’s face was like weathered rock. “Thanks, Esmerelda. I’d appreciate a new tray when you get this one out of the way.”
Esmerelda bustled out and the room went utterly silent. Cade still stood staring at her and she was helpless to do anything but stare at him.
The proof of her honesty was Esmerelda’s confirmation about her letters and the flowers. He’d asked his housekeeper about them without seeking a moment alone with her to coach her to lie, so he’d obviously had nothing to hide. And yet, he’d never seen the letters or known who’d sent the flowers. How was that possible?
“My apologies, Miz James.” The faint growl in his low voice carried an edge that made him seem both contrite and sincere. “I have no explanation. You sent letters and I didn’t read them. And I would have read them.”
Colleen believed him instantly and felt her tension ease. A little of her hope came back. Perhaps their terrible start wasn’t so terrible after all.
“I wanted to know how Beau and Amy are. Craig never took my calls about them and he never replied to my letters to him because he maybe blamed me for it all. I thought you either felt the same way about me or you were continuing with his wishes.”
It hurt to admit to Cade that his brother had probably hated her and blamed her for everything. And pointing it out to him was also a risk. He might decide to shun her to fulfill his brother’s wishes. But she had to be straightforward with Cade. Even if instinct hadn’t warned her to do so, she would have felt compelled to tell the whole truth, foolish or not.
Cade sat down then, but his dark gaze never left hers. “Craig said you wanted nothing to do with the kids or him.”
The magnitude of Craig’s lie was another shock and Colleen felt her face pale. She could tell that it also upset Cade, whose rugged face was now utterly solemn. Worse than questioning Cade’s honesty would be to say something that would put his dead brother’s honesty into question when he was no longer alive to defend himself. And though she hadn’t meant to do that, she had and she was helpless to correct the blunder.
The silence stretched out. She couldn’t maintain eye contact with his intense scrutiny and glanced uneasily away, though his gaze had turned disturbingly gentle.
“I’ll get to the bottom of the trouble with the letters,” he said gruffly. “But you asked about the kids.”
His mention of the children brought her hopeful gaze back to his and she couldn’t help the swell of longing and emotion she felt. It had been six long months since she’d seen them.
“They’re fine. I’ve got a nanny for them, but it’s her day off and a neighbor of mine took them to a friend’s house to play.”
“Can I see them?” Her breathless question was eager with hope, but she was terrified he’d find some reason to refuse.
“Of course you can.” The voice that was big and gruff enough to roar out commands was now husky and surprisingly gentle.
Relief intensified the emotion she felt and she looked down at her shaking hands to get control of the tears that made her eyes feel scalding and full. When she could, she gripped her hands together to still their tremors then gathered her courage and looked over at him.
“Thank you, thank you so much. It means a lot.” She smiled at him, but the effort not to cry made her mouth tremble. Desperate to keep from going teary in front of him, she went on with the more difficult reason she’d come to the Chalmers Ranch.
“Obviously, you’ll soon petition the court for permanent custody or guardianship of Beau and Amy, if you haven’t already. I wanted to be sure you know that I hope to have a place in their lives.”
There it was. Plain-spoken and direct. She was putting her heart on the line and praying Cade Chalmers wouldn’t break it. It was one thing to let her see the kids today. It was quite another to go on allowing it and to grant her the security of detailing it in a legal agreement.
She could read nothing in the rugged expression that suddenly shuttered his reaction from her. His low voice went soft, but there was no mistaking the hint of warning.
“Will you challenge me for custody?”
Colleen eased forward on the sofa to lean earnestly toward him. “I want to be assured of a place in their lives. As you can see, I’m not sure a court would consider me physically capable of around-the-clock care for a toddler and an infant. I expect to recover enough to eventually do that, but I still don’t know how long that will take.”
She paused and saw that his expression had eased a bit. “If the children are safe and well cared for and happy here, I don’t want to disrupt that. But I do want access to them. I haven’t contacted a lawyer for advice about this, but I’m not sure I’d need to independently petition the court if you’ll put something in writing to give me legitimate legal standing. Or whatever the process might be.”
Now she saw the glint of wariness in his dark gaze and she rushed to assure him of her good will.
“I’m willing to allow the court to do an assessment of me and my home. I can cover the cost of that.”
His look turned sharp and considering. “You’re serious about this?”
Emotion rose high at the comment. “I love them very much, Mr. Chalmers. I can’t describe how much I’ve missed them. I came here to make sure you know that I want to have a part in their lives and their upbringing.”
“How much a part?” Now his wariness intensified, as if he thought her presence in the children’s lives would be intrusive.
“I’m their aunt. I’d like to fulfill the pleasure and responsibility of that relationship. I know I can’t demand equal time, but I hope to have regular involvement and maybe the freedom to at least express an opinion about their care and upbringing from time to time.”
“You want a lot. What else are you after?”
The question seemed adversarial to her and that was confusing. He’d appeared to soften toward her, but now it seemed that he hadn’t softened at all. Maybe he considered her request excessive. She rushed to assure him she didn’t intend to cause problems or be a source of trouble.
“You’re welcome to select someone of your choice to evaluate me, and if you allow me to frequently visit over whatever time is left before you go to court, you’ll be able to see for yourself whether you think I’m a good or bad influence on them. And it’s not my intention to be an adversary or to be in competition with you. I just want to have a good relationship with my family.”
“What about money?”
Colleen felt the blunt question impact her, but she didn’t understand it at all. Had she missed something? But then she realized what he meant and reached for her handbag.
“I could write you a check now as a deposit on the cost of the evaluation,” she said hastily as she took out her checkbook and opened it to take hold of the pen hooked on the check register. Pen poised to write, she glanced over at him. “How much do