the end, she knew that drying up would push her just that one step too far. The dishes could just air-dry tonight.
She couldn’t resist going to see how Toby was getting on. To her amusement, he was on his knees next to the bathtub, holding Billy’s plastic frog and joining in with Billy’s version of ‘Five little speckled frogs’. She couldn’t help grinning at the gusto with which Toby sang ‘Yum, yum’ about the delicious flies the frogs were eating, and ‘Glub, glub’ as the frogs jumped into the pool.
Toby looked just like any other father enjoying bathtime with his kids while giving his wife a break from childcare.
This was what her life could have been like, if…
No ifs, no buts. She’d made her choice a long time ago. It was the right one, the sensible one: she knew that. So she suppressed the surge of loneliness. This was ridiculous. She wasn’t lonely. She had a good life. Good friends, a job she enjoyed and two godchildren that were as close as she was going to get to children of her own. She had nothing to complain about.
As for that little flare of longing, she damped that down, too. Toby wasn’t for her. He’d make the perfect dad: how could she ask him to give up the idea of ever having children? She didn’t want to wreck his life, tie him down to someone who was going to end up hardly able to do a thing for herself. He deserved someone better and, as his best friend, she really ought to be helping him to find Miss Right, not selfishly holding onto him.
Without disturbing them, she walked quietly downstairs again. The minute Lydia and Paul were back from Canada, she’d do something about Toby. Find someone who could make him far happier than she could. Maybe fix him up with someone at one of the departmental Christmas parties. It was the time when people traditionally got together after all. And it would be her own very special present to Toby. She’d find him the love of his life.
AFTER a week of looking after the children, Saskia was used to being in a family environment. She was beginning to enjoy it even. It was nice to come home from a late shift and not have to cook for herself or make do with a sandwich. Or to pick up Billy from nursery and be greeted with a big hug and hear all about his day on the way home. Or to see Toby walk in the door at the end of his shift, looking tired but giving her a genuine smile when she made him a coffee and sat down to eat with him.
She could almost—almost—see the point of getting married and sharing her life.
But one evening, when she was feeding Helena, the baby turned her face away and fussed.
‘Everything OK?’ Toby asked, clearly seeing the worry in her face.
‘I’m not sure. She’s not taken as much milk as she normally does.’ Saskia frowned, and lightly pressed her fingers to the baby’s forehead. ‘I think she’s getting a temperature.’
‘There are lots of viruses about. It’s that time of year,’ Toby reminded her. All the same, he came over and checked Helena, too. ‘You’re right, her temperature’s up. Do you know where Lyd keeps the infant paracetamol?’
‘Second drawer down next to the kitchen sink. There’s a child lock on the drawer, and the oral syringe is attached to the bottle with an elastic band.’
‘Right.’ He returned a few moments later with the oral syringe and a bottle of infant paracetamol. ‘Rightio, little one. We’ll get your temperature down.’ Gently, he measured out a dose and squirted it into the baby’s mouth. ‘Give it a few minutes and you’ll be feeling better,’ he said softly.
Except the paracetamol didn’t seem to work. When Saskia checked Helena’s temperature again a little later, it was still up. She stripped the baby down to her vest and nappy and gently gave her a tepid sponge bath. The warm water would evaporate from her skin, whereas cold water would simply make her veins constrict and drive her temperature up even more. ‘I think she’d better sleep in my room tonight,’ Saskia said, ‘so I can keep an eye on her.’
‘You’re planning to sit up with the baby all night and then do a full shift?’ Toby asked, sounding shocked.
It was a lot to ask of someone who was completely fit, let alone someone who had a problem like Saskia’s. She shrugged. ‘It’s a one-off. I’ll cope.’
‘Saskia, don’t be daft. You don’t have to take the whole burden. There are two of us. Let’s take it in shifts to look after her.’
‘And swap her from room to room all night? Hardly.’
‘Let’s share a room, then.’
She stared at him. ‘What?’
‘Come on. You slept on my bed often enough when we were students.’
‘Crashed out after an all-night study session.’
‘I’m perfectly capable of sharing your bed without having sex with you,’ he said quietly.
Saskia glowered at him. What was he saying—that she wasn’t capable of sleeping in the same bed as a man without demanding sex? Or that she wasn’t able to make him want her, because he found her unattractive? Either way, it wasn’t very pleasant, and she felt colour scorch into her cheeks. ‘Well, thanks a bunch, Tobe.’ Sarcasm dripped from every word. ‘How to make your friends feel really good about themselves.’
‘What have I said?’ He raked a hand through his hair. ‘I wasn’t getting at you. Just think about it logically. We’re not students any more. We’re both too old to stay up all night and then work all the next day.’
‘Speak for yourself,’ she said with a scowl. ‘You’re the one who’s thirty-four.’
‘And you’re not that much younger,’ he sniped back. ‘We’re professionals, so we’re capable of looking after a sick baby between us without ripping each other’s clothes off.’
‘Mmm.’ That sounded a bit better. Maybe that was what he’d meant in the first place and she’d just misinterpreted it. She’d already snapped at people today, angry and frustrated because her hands were stiff and achy and she couldn’t do anything about it.
‘So are we being sensible about this?’
‘Yeah.’ She sighed, knowing that she owed him an apology. Along with about half the hospital. ‘Sorry.’
‘Hey.’ His fingers brushed her cheek, very quickly. ‘It’s OK. I know you’re worried about our god-daughter.’
She blessed him silently for giving her such a great getout. ‘Yeah.’
And he was right about the bed. They’d shared a bed on countless occasions as students, when they’d fallen asleep over their books. After he’d qualified, he’d still let her study with him. Now she thought about it, she realised how tired he must have been—working long hours as a junior doctor and then studying with her. But he’d always made time for her.
Which was one of the reasons she loved him so much. He spent time with her. He was the first person in her life who had always, but always, had time for her.
And that was the real reason—the selfish reason—why she hadn’t done anything about his love life. If she found him the woman of his dreams, he wouldn’t want to spend time with her any more. Toby’s wife certainly wouldn’t want him spending time with his former best friend instead of with her.
What a bitch she was, putting her own needs before his. You’re going to have to give him up. For his sake, she told herself.
Just…not until Lydia came back.
An hour or so later, Saskia settled the baby in bed between two pillows, took a quick shower, cleaned her teeth and was in her pyjamas by the time Toby walked in. Wearing only pyjama bottoms, she noticed. Since when had his shoulders been that broad and his chest so well defined? With just a light dusting of