planned to have a family. For all I know I might be a lousy father. I’d like the opportunity to try it out for a few weeks, spend some time with Max and see how he takes to me.”
“Max is nine months old. He loves everyone.”
“Okay then, I want to see how I take to him.”
“And if you don’t … take to him? What then?”
“I’ll honor your wishes and remove myself from Max’s life completely.”
She shook her head. “I don’t know …”
“I know you were hoping for a more definitive answer, but I honestly think this is the best way to do this. And it’s not a decision I came to lightly. I just …” He sighed, shook his head. “I don’t know if I’m ready for this. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, Ana, and this is too important to screw up.”
“I’m assuming there’s also the question of how this will go over at work.”
“I won’t deny that was a factor in my decision. Our current CEO is leaving, and I’m one of the select few who are competing for the position. I don’t want to rock the boat.”
“So it is about work,” she said, not bothering to hide the bitterness in her voice.
“I have to consider everything,” he said. “But ultimately this is about what’s best for our son.”
To hear Nathan refer to Max as “our son” made Ana’s heart twist. For a long time he was just “her son.” She wasn’t sure if she was ready to give that up, to share him. But this wasn’t about what she wanted. The only thing that mattered was what was best for Max.
Her knee-jerk reaction was to say no way, either he was in or out; but in all fairness, she’d had almost nine months to get used to the idea of being a parent. He’d had a child thrust on him without warning, and now he was expected to make a decision that would impact his and their son’s life forever. And hers. Could she honestly blame him for erring on the side of caution? He had clearly given this a lot of thought and seemed to have Max’s best interest in mind. Wasn’t that what really mattered? Not to mention that Nathan had shown vulnerability, which she knew had to be tough for him. He was a successful and well-respected man. Admitting he might not be able to hack it as a father couldn’t have been easy for him. She commended him for his honesty.
“I guess a trial period would make sense,” she told him. “Supervised visits, of course.”
“Of course,” he agreed.
Which meant having to spend time with Nathan, which she was sure would be heart-wrenching for her. Just having him in her home, remembering all the times they had spent there together, made her feel hollowed out inside. Alone. Since they split, she hadn’t so much as looked at another man. Not that she’d had a whole lot of time for dating these days, but she had gone out with friends a few times, attended social functions with her father. Men had tried to strike up conversations, asked her to dance, but she just wasn’t interested.
If a year and a half apart hadn’t dissolved her feelings for Nathan, maybe she was destined to love him forever. Or maybe being around him again would make her realize that he wasn’t as wonderful as she used to think. The man was bound to have flaws. Little character traits that annoyed her. Maybe all this time she’d been building him up in her mind, making him into something he really wasn’t.
A renewed sense of hope filled her. Maybe this would turn out to be a good thing for her. But they had to be cautious.
“I also think it would be best if no one knew about this,” she said.
He looked relieved, probably because he was worried about his position at Western Oil. But there was more to it than that.
“I think that’s a good idea,” he said.
“We’ll have to be really careful. These things have a way of blowing up, and that could be devastating for Max.”
“He’s a baby. It’s not as if he can pick up a newspaper.”
“Not yet. But someday he will. If you decide, for whatever reason, that you can’t be a part of his life, I don’t want him to know about you. If your identity gets out now, you can bet he’ll hear about it eventually. Besides, my father adores Max, but if he were to learn that you’re the father, he would know that our affair was just another way of defying him. He would disown me and Max on principle.”
“Still trying to win his affection?”
“I don’t give a damn what he thinks about me, but Max has a future at Birch Energy, if he should so decide that’s what he wants to do. Right now it’s his legacy. It doesn’t seem fair to deny him that for my own selfish reasons.”
“Yet if I decide to be a part of his life you risk that very thing.”
“Because knowing his real father is too important. He needs a male influence in his life, and as it stands, my father is the best I can do. And who knows, maybe Max isn’t destined to fail him. With me, he never seemed to get over the fact that I wasn’t the son he’d always wanted.”
“So, is that really all I was to you?” he asked. “Just another way to defy your father?”
At first. Until he wasn’t anymore. Until she fell stupidly and hopelessly in love with him. But that would have to remain her little secret. Her pride depended on it. “Does that come as such a shock?”
“Not really, considering we both know it isn’t true.”
And what about him? Did he get off on making women fall for him, then breaking their hearts? Was it all just a game to him? And how was she supposed to react to his accusation? If she denied it, she would look as though she were hiding something. If she admitted the truth … well, that wasn’t even an option.
She refused to give him the satisfaction of any response.
“So, what days would be best for you to see Max?” she asked him. “His bedtime is eight, so if you want to do weeknights it will have to be before that. Sunday afternoons would work too.”
“Weekdays will be tough. I’ve been swamped at work. I’m lucky if I can get out by nine most nights.”
“No one said it was going to be easy. You have to make priorities.”
His look said he was poised to jump to the defensive, but instead he took a deep breath and said, “If I go into the office early tomorrow, I could be out of there by six-thirty. That would get me here a little before seven.”
“That’s a start,” she said.
“Tomorrow it is then.”
A long, uncomfortable silence followed, where neither seemed to know what to say next. Or maybe they had said all there was to say.
“Well, I guess since that’s settled …” He rose from the couch.
“It’s been a long day, and I don’t know about you, but I could go for a glass of wine.” She knew the second the words left her mouth it was a bad idea, but she just wasn’t ready for him to leave.
You can’t force him to love you, she reminded herself. And she wouldn’t want to. She wanted someone without the relationship hang-ups, who loved her unconditionally. If that kind of man even existed.
Nathan studied her, one brow slightly raised. “Are you asking me to stay?”
Yeah, bad idea. “You know what, forget it. I don’t think—”
“Red or white?”
His question stopped her. “Huh?”
“The wine. Do you have red or white?” The hint of a smile tugged at his lips. “Because I’m partial to red.”
She shouldn’t be doing this. She was still vulnerable. She was