in the palace…” She couldn’t say more.
He pulled her hands into his, his thumbs on the pressure-point for headache—the webbing between thumb and index finger—rubbed in slow, firm circles on one hand and then the other. “How long have you been carrying this around?”
“Since yesterday morning.” She bit her lip. “Charlie and Jazmine don’t think I’ve made the connection yet, but now I’ve taken the title, as the law stands I have to marry either a Grand Duke—and Max is the only single one—or Orakis.”
“What a mess.” Toby swore, long and fluent and with all his inventiveness. “No wonder I was hijacked by ASIO.”
She nodded, fighting tears of exhaustion. “When I realised the enormity of my decision—what it means for Hellenia, and for me—I just blanked out. I needed you.” It felt like there was a jagged rock in her throat.
“And instead of lightening your burden I added to it with my wants and fears.” His voice was filled with darkness, but turned inward, upon himself.
“I’ve put you in danger.”
With a clear effort, he shook off the darkness and grinned. “Don’t worry about me, beloved. After fighting the worst bushfires on record as a volunteer, and running into collapsing buildings for a decade, a two-bit terrorist doesn’t frighten me.”
“You don’t understand,” she said quietly, feeling sad and lost. “You haven’t been here to know what it’s like, being a royal in a country that’s seen so much war. It’s not as the media portrays it. The reality beneath the glamour…” She rubbed her brow with her free hand. “A month ago, I was a simple ballet teacher. Now I’m this. The people have suffered so badly and I can help them, I am helping, but I don’t know if I’m up to the task for life. But I’ve accepted the position, and it’s all too much. There are so many strings to the position, I feel pulled every which way. I don’t know what to do.”
“Come here, beloved.” His arms opened to her.
With a sigh of relief she went to him, and he gathered her onto his lap, caressing her hair. “I liked your hair longer,” he whispered. “But you’re still so beautiful.”
Her head on his shoulder, she smiled. “That’s my Toby, with all your nonsense compliments to make me laugh.”
He stilled. “But you are beautiful, my Giulia.”
“Don’t,” she whispered. “You can’t fix this by saying nice things to me. I need you to be serious.” She looked up at him, seeing his perplexed frown. “I can’t talk to Charlie about this—he’s under enough pressure about his own future. Theo Angelis is too sick to handle any dissention. He can’t be the King any longer. His heart’s failing and he wants everything tied up neatly before he dies. Theo Angelis needs me to do my duty. He believes even marrying Orakis is an honour if it brings peace to Hellenia. And Max…”
“Yes?” he asked quietly, when she didn’t go on. “And Max?”
Her thoughts jumbled again, filled with sorrow, anger, regret and useless, hopeless wishing. “And he’s like you.”
Toby started and stared at her. “What?”
“He’s like you.” Sudden restlessness filled her. She jumped to her feet, pacing up and down the aisle. “He sees…”
“What does he see? Why is he me?”
She’d been silent or wise for the sake of others, hiding her true feelings for weeks. Now, with Toby here, she couldn’t control the words bubbling from her mouth. “He doesn’t see me. He sees the anorexic, and wants to help me—just like you.” She gulped and breathed, trying to regain control. “If I ever get married I want my man to adore me, to want me so much he can’t wait to touch me. Is it so much to ask, to have one man see me as a woman he can want and love?”
“Of course it’s not, beloved,” he said quietly. “You deserve all that and more.”
She sighed and looked away from his intense, beautiful face, but said it bluntly. “I’ve always been a romantic—you know that—but now it’s turned against me. I’m a twenty-six-year-old virgin. I can’t stand the thought of my first time being with Orakis for political purposes, or a man who pities me.” She felt a rush of hot bile rising in her throat. Control, Lia. You will not revert to anorexic behaviour! You’re stronger than that now.
As she leaned against the bookshelf, warm, strong arms came round her, turning her to him, holding him against his body, so big and dependable and perfect. “I adore you, Giulia,” he whispered. “I love touching you.”
“I know you love me, but it’s not the kind of love I want,” she cried, struggling against him, beautiful temptation and dearest friend. “I’m not a child any more, Toby, I’m a woman! I’m sorry, but I’d almost rather face Orakis in the bedroom than a man who doesn’t truly want me, who doesn’t even think I’m pretty!”
He stilled. Completely. The moon, slanting in through a window, showed the stunned look on his face. “You think I don’t find you pretty?”
She stared up at him. “Why wouldn’t I? It’s been right in front of me for years.” Her hands pushed against him until he let go. “I know what I am, Toby.” Suddenly she wanted to say it, even though she knew she wouldn’t be able to look him in the eye tomorrow. “I’m the woman men see as their sister, the future aunt to their kids, everyone’s dear friend who never gets married, never has a lover.”
With the lightning-fast reflexes that made him such a magnificent firefighter, he had her back in his arms, plastered against him so fast she lost her breath. “How can you believe I’d cross the world for you, or tell you I want to marry you, from pity or fear? How could you not know how beautiful you are to me?”
Even with her body thudding and throbbing with desire from being near him, she laughed in disbelief. “How could I think it? How could I not think it? I’m nothing like the girls you’ve dated. I’m not blonde with a bubbly personality. I’m a tall, dark, quiet homebody. I do the bushwalking-and-kitchen scene, not the nightclub circuit. We’ve been friends fifteen years, and you’ve never once seen me, or showed a single sign of interest in me, until today.”
His eyes burned into hers, pure blue fire. “I see you. I’ve always seen you.”
“Yes,” she said, filled with sadness. “I know you see me—but I also know how you see me. It took my becoming a princess to have you stop wrapping me in cotton wool. For ten years you’ve been wearing kid gloves with me. But I’m not your anorexic little sister—I’m a woman, Toby. I’m a woman! I can’t marry you because you think you need to save me again. It would destroy both of us in the end.”
When he didn’t move or speak, she pulled away and walked back to the reading table. She picked up her book, and tried to speak as if nothing had happened. “I have another full day tomorrow. I need to sleep.”
“This isn’t over, Giulia.” His voice was as dark as the shadows surrounding him.
“It never started to be over, Toby. I love you, but I won’t marry you.” She looked at him, her sorrow too great to hold in. “I know you want to keep me safe and happy. A few months ago I might have said yes—it might have been enough. But I can’t go back. I have a life and responsibilities apart from one small ballet school and my brothers.”
“I’m not your brother.”
She shivered at the dark, lush tone, so inherently sexual, a tone she’d never heard from him until today. “Close enough.” She sighed. “Toby, can we not do this? I have enough to cope with without more stress, more people wanting a piece of me. I’ve been trying so hard to keep the royal family together the past month, the one who stayed calm in the storm.” A hiccup of distress broke from her. “But now it’s official I—I need