to answer. Outside, Bruno was gurgling, the sound seemed to be coming from a far distance. Elise could hear her breath, and Gawain’s. And the chink of a metal spoon in a cauldron. She could feel the rise and fall of Pearl’s chest. She could see Gawain’s mind working. Calculating. His gaze did not shift from Pearl.
‘Pearl is your daughter. Yours...’ he paused ‘...and mine?’
‘Yes, my lord.’
‘You told me you were safe.’
‘Safe?’ Elise swallowed. ‘So I believed. As you see, the herbs the apothecary gave me did not work.’
His nostrils flared. He held out his hands for Pearl. ‘May I?’
His face was unreadable as Elise settled Pearl in the crook of his arm. As he stared at his child, a lock of bright hair fell across his forehead. Elise steeled herself not to brush it back. She wasn’t sure how she had expected Gawain to react. He seemed to be taking the news better than she had dared hope. So far.
‘How small she is,’ he murmured. ‘How very delicate.’
As he stood, a tall golden-haired knight taking his first real look at his daughter, Elise felt her eyelids prickle.
Gawain cleared his throat. His eyes were suspiciously moist. ‘My daughter.’ Then he blinked and lifted his head. ‘Our daughter.’ He gave Elise one of those smiles that she remembered from last winter and her heart contracted. ‘She is healthy?’
‘Very much so.’
‘And you?’ His skin darkened. ‘Your confinement? The birth?’
‘I am fine, my lord. Vivienne is feeding Pearl in order that I may focus on my singing. I can’t be at Pearl’s beck and call when I am performing.’
‘I see.’ He resumed his study of Pearl, gently stroking her hair. When he lifted her to rub his nose against his daughter’s cheek, Elise had to bite her knuckle to contain the tears. ‘So this is why you haven’t done much singing?’
‘Yes.’ Chest tight, Elise watched him swallow. She saw the moment his face went hard.
‘You weren’t going to tell me. If I hadn’t seen you at the gate today—’
‘I hadn’t thought to find you in Troyes, my lord.’
His eyes narrowed. ‘You were going to send word to Meaux?’
Guilt shivered through her. She hadn’t intended to tell him. She hadn’t thought to find him here. In truth, she had been doing her best not to think about him at all. She’d been relieved to hear that he’d gone to claim his county. And now here he was in front of her, holding Pearl to his heart, and the realisation of all that she had walked away from at the turn of the year slammed into her. Gawain was a kind man. He was strong enough to be gentle. He was loving. Gawain had offered her not one word of love and yet love—and care—had shown in his every action. But she must remember, he was not hers. He never would be. Gawain was Count of Meaux and she was a nobody.
‘I feel dreadful,’ she murmured.
Their gazes locked.
‘So you should.’
Elise lifted her chin. ‘But now you will understand why I cannot allow you to take Vivienne—and Pearl—to your manor. I won’t be parted from her.’
Pearl shifted in his arms, distracting him. Her eyes opened. ‘Blue,’ he said softly.
‘Most babies have blue eyes when they are small.’ Elise let her hand rest gently on Pearl’s chest. ‘Given that you and I both have dark eyes, it seems likely that hers will change.’
‘Most likely.’ He shook his head thoughtfully. ‘What a miracle she is.’
‘Gawain, you won’t separate us.’
‘Of course not.’
Elise went weak with relief. As Gawain went on staring at Pearl it struck her that it was Gawain who was the miracle. He had accepted Pearl as his child without a murmur. A lesser man might have tried to bluff his way out of admitting fatherhood. He could have accused Elise of sleeping with someone else. Not Gawain. He was angry with her for not telling him sooner, but he simply believed her.
Gawain held the small bundle that was his daughter to his chest and struggled to take command of his thoughts. It wasn’t easy. This revelation—he had a daughter!—had left him reeling. She was so small. So perfect. He had a daughter.
‘When was she born?’
‘A month since, she was a little early.’
He lifted an eyebrow. ‘That apothecary must have given you the wrong herbs.’
Elise’s hand shifted. She gripped his arm. ‘My lord, you need not fear I shall make demands on you in the future. I am able to care for Pearl.’
Gawain looked at the small fingers on his arm and held back a sigh. ‘You will rely on your singing, I suppose.’
The hand was removed and Elise’s eyes sparked. ‘I am quite able to provide for her.’
He let his gaze wander pointedly round the purple pavilion. ‘I never thought a child of mine would be forced to live in a tent.’
Her cheeks went crimson and her chin inched up. ‘Not forced, my lord. I live here by choice.’
‘You love this life.’
‘Love it?’ She looked startled. ‘It is what I am.’
It was a statement that might mean anything. Elise could well love this life. She’d certainly been eager enough to get back to it at the end of last year. Her hasty departure had shown more clearly than words ever could what she thought of him. They had enjoyed each other’s company for a time, but singing was everything to her. Of course, she might also mean that she considered this mendicant life was the only life to which she was suited. A statement that he would have questioned most vigorously last year had she stayed and given the slightest sign that she might one day come to feel something for him.
Gawain’s thoughts were confused. In truth, they had been confused since last winter when he’d found her crying in the palace chapel. Crying over the death of a young man she had only just met. Elise might not know it, but from the first she had commanded Gawain’s loyalty. It was a pity she didn’t feel the same for him. Particularly since loyalty would bind them for eternity. They had a daughter.
‘You have given me a daughter,’ he murmured, heart twisting as he stared at the baby in his arms. Lord, why did this have to happen now of all times? He was no longer free.
He wanted to help them. It was his duty as a father to help them. But this went beyond duty. He wanted to be part of Pearl’s life. He didn’t want Elise or Pearl to vanish in the way Elise had done at the turn of the year.
Yet what could he do? What about Lady Rowena?
‘You weren’t going to tell me,’ Gawain said again.
Elise’s heart ached. Gawain had never looked at her in quite this way, his eyes looked so strange. She could see anger there, held firmly in check. Confusion. Shock and hurt. ‘No.’
She studied him as his dark gaze returned to Pearl. A slight frown creased his brow. Once again she had to check the impulse to touch him.
Taking Pearl from him, Elise fought to keep her voice even. ‘I should like to explain about last winter, my lord.’ She drew in a deep breath, half-expecting him to interrupt. When he said nothing, she continued. ‘As you know by now, I came to Troyes to discover what had happened to my sister.’
Dark eyes watched her. ‘You deceived me then too. You let me think you were simply Countess Isobel’s maidservant.’
‘Have you no brothers, my lord? No sisters?’ Even as Elise asked the question it struck her how little she knew about Gawain.