in her brother’s kitchen fighting the familiar doubts that had assailed her since she’d learned that he’d named her guardian of his son. In the beginning she’d believed they would make it, she and Colby. His anger had proved her wrong. It had proved she wasn’t a parent, or even something close to a parent. She was twenty-eight, single, and hadn’t even begun the process of thinking about kids.
Grant’s and Cynthia’s deaths had changed everything. For Colby. And for her.
It had amazed Macy that her brother had found his way to the small town of Haven. Their mother, Nora, had insisted he could do better if he stayed in the city. He would have moved up, made more, had a nicer home than the remodeled craftsman house with its large front porch, complete with porch swing.
Grant and Cynthia had been happy in Haven.
She worried that she didn’t have it in her to be the small-town librarian, mother of Colby.
She turned on the coffeemaker and found her favorite mug. As she waited for the water to heat, she stood at the window and looked out at the small but wooded lot behind the house. Not a high-rise in sight. No sirens in the distance. Not a sound could be heard.
She missed Colby.
The ready light flashed, and she put her mug under the spout and pushed the button. Coffee poured into her mug. She opened the book bag that she’d brought home from school, and as she pulled out her organizer she noticed another book. She tugged it out, trying to decide where she’d picked it up and when. Yes, she’d been distracted today. She didn’t think she’d been that distracted.
A note fell out of the book. She picked up the yellow piece of paper. A creepy, crawly feeling shivered down her spine.
The book was a middle grade book about a ranch. There was nothing remarkable about the title or the story. She set it down and turned her attention to the note. The feeling of apprehension eased.
Could you read this to the boys? Thanks, Tanner.
How in the world had the book gotten in her bag? Maybe when she’d stepped out of the room to make copies? But surely one of the students would have told her. She thought about the fifteen English literature students. No, they wouldn’t have told her. All that aside, why would Tanner Barstow have a sudden desire to get her involved with the boys at the ranch? She couldn’t even raise her own nephew.
Every single day she questioned why she was in Haven. She’d given up her career, her friends and her fiancé to be here for a little boy who only wanted his parents back.
She slid the note back into the book.
Maybe Tanner thought that if she spent more time with children, she would grow into the role of Colby’s mom. That made sense because Tanner seemed to be a natural with children. He’d practically raised his own sister. He was the type who would get married, have a half dozen kids and never miss a step.
Macy worried that she didn’t have that parenting gene. There were days that she loved the idea of raising her nephew, of someday being the person he ran to at the end of school, eager to tell her about his day. There were more nights that she lay awake, scared to death that she would never be able to fill that place in his life, and that he would never want her to be that person.
Beatrice had told her to take her time. In family therapy she’d learned to give him space and to not react when he pushed her away. It was hard, because every time he pushed her away, her heart took it personally.
When it hurt, like it did just then, she reminded herself that her pain was nothing compared to Colby’s.
Her coffee was finished. She put a lid on the thermal mug and grabbed the book Tanner had left for her. She had thirty minutes to get to the ranch. She’d promised Bea she would put some finishing touches on the ranch library, and she wanted to apply for another grant.
* * *
When Macy pulled up to the main house of the Silver Star, Beatrice’s car was in the drive. Flint, the ranch foreman, was just walking down the front steps. He tipped his hat in greeting but went on, heading for the barn. Macy got out of her car and strode up to the house. Beatrice met her at the front door.
“Hey, Macy, I wasn’t expecting you today.”
Macy held the book out, and Bea took it, perplexed, her eyes narrowed as she studied it.
“What’s this for?” Bea asked.
“I thought you might know. Tanner must have brought it to the school.” She handed over the note.
“You didn’t see him leave it?”
She shook her head. “No. I found it in the book bag I carry.”
Bea motioned her inside. “That doesn’t sound like Tanner. He doesn’t do things willy-nilly like that.”
“He asked me if I would read to the boys. I told him I’d have to think about it. I thought maybe he left it, hoping I’d say yes.”
Bea led the way to the big kitchen at the back of the house. “Would you like a cup of tea?”
“That would be nice.”
Bea put the teapot on to boil, and then she leaned against the counter, still giving the book her full attention. “Tanner should be here in a bit. We’re going to see what we can find on our missing ranch alumni. You can ask him if and why he would leave a book for you. But if he did do this, don’t feel as if you have to do what he’s asking. I think you already do enough.”
“I love doing what I can for the ranch, Bea. It’s my way of giving back. You all rescued us. I’m not sure what would have happened to Colby if he hadn’t gotten a spot here.”
“I think you would have found him help. Go easy on yourself, Macy. Colby isn’t the only one who has suffered. You lost your brother.”
Unexpected tears burned at the backs of her eyes, and her throat constricted. Macy nodded, because if she opened her mouth, she might cry.
Bea placed a comforting hand on her arm. “Give yourself time to grieve. I think you have a tendency to go full throttle, fixing things. Some situations need time.”
“I know. I’m just afraid. What if I can’t be the person Colby needs me to be? What if he never gets over being angry? Eleanor Mack and I have discussed this several times. We understand anger and sadness at the loss of his parents, but it seems like the anger is magnified, and we don’t know why.”
Bea poured water in two cups. The fragrant aroma of herbal tea filled the air with hints of cinnamon and clove.
“I would agree with Eleanor. Colby is an especially angry little boy. But give it time. We’ll figure out what is going on. Once we get to the root of the problem, we can start working on making the two of you a family. I know you’re afraid you can’t do this. We all feel that way when we are looking a problem head-on and thinking that this is our future. In time you come to a place where you realize you’ve survived it, and that, through it all, God made you a little stronger.”
“Thanks, Bea. I hope you’re right.”
Bea chuckled, “Haven’t you been told? I’m always right.”
“And if she isn’t, she’ll find a way to convince you she is.” Katie Ellis, in her twenties and receptionist of the boys ranch, entered the room. She got a cup and added a tea bag before pouring water.
“Katie, you know I’m always right.” Bea pushed the sugar jar to the pretty blonde receptionist. “Oh, did I tell you that Pastor Walsh is coming by for Bible study with the boys? He has a new video series he wants to do with them.”
Katie turned a little pink at the mention of the Haven Community Church pastor. “I’ll make sure the meeting room is ready.”
“That would be good. And you might offer to help him out.” Bea grinned as she made the suggestion.
“I would, but I have