taunt us with a taste of what we can’t have?”
Celia looked back at him, startled by the tension in his low voice. But his expression was entirely bland as he looked back at her.
“If it becomes too unbearable, Celia,” he said, “you’re welcome to ride pillion with me. I would gladly keep you warm.”
Celia gave an unladylike snort and stared straight ahead. She couldn’t keep the image of his words out of her head—herself perched before John on his saddle, his arms wrapped around her as he rested his chin on her shoulder, his breath warm against her ear.
She thought if she ignored him he would leave, perhaps go and flirt with Lady Allison, who kept giving him sidelong glances. Yet he stayed by Celia’s side, riding along in silence for long moments.
“Do you live entirely at Court now?” she finally said, to break the silence and the thoughts in her head.
“Most of the time. Except when my estate requires my attention, which is not very often,” he answered. “It is the only life I know. Why do you ask?”
“I have been at Court for many weeks now, and yet you only appeared that day I met with the Queen.”
“So you had begun to think you could avoid seeing me again?”
Of course that was what she had thought. But she said nothing.
“Celia, surely you knew we would meet again one day?” he said. “Our world is too small to avoid each other for ever.”
“I did think I would never see you again,” she said. “I am a country mouse and you—well, after you left so abruptly I did not even know where you went. You could have sailed off to the land of the Chinamen or some such thing.”
“I did not want to go,” he said suddenly, fiercely.
Celia turned to him, startled. His eyes were icy blue as he stared back at her.
“I had no choice,” he said.
“And neither did I,” Celia answered. She had tried to wait for him, had believed he would return. But as days and then weeks had passed, with no word at all, she had seen the truth. He had left her. She was alone.
Suddenly it felt as if a knife’s edge had passed along the old scar and it was as raw and painful as when it was fresh. She pressed her free hand against her aching, hollow stomach.
“After you left … after I had to marry …” After her brother and the destruction of her family. “I had to marry Thomas Sutton. His family had wanted an alliance for a long time, though mine was wary of them. But after what happened to my brother I had no choice in who to marry. We had to agree to the union.”
“Tell me about your marriage, Celia,” John said, and she could still hear that hoarse edge to his voice.
A tense stillness stretched between them.
It was hell. A hell she had only been released from when Sutton died. She had gone on her knees in thanksgiving at her deliverance. But she couldn’t say that to John. She was already much too vulnerable to him.
She shrugged. “It was a marriage like any other, but blessedly short.”
“Is he the reason you wanted to twist my manhood off when you had it in your hand?”
Celia gave a startled laugh. “I think you yourself would be reason enough for that, John Brandon. And that was not exactly what I wanted to do with it.”
He looked at her from the corner of his eye, that half-smile touching his lips as if he too had a few ideas about ways she could make use of him.
“Have you never married, John?” she asked. But did she really want to know the answer? She hated the thought of him uniting his life with another woman.
“You know I have not. I haven’t the temperament for it.”
“Who does, really? It is merely a state we must endure—unless we are Queen Elizabeth and can make our own choice,” Celia said wistfully.
“Yet you will let the Queen arrange a new marriage for you, despite what might have happened in your first?” John sounded almost angry. She could not fathom it—could not fathom him.
Celia shrugged again. “I have no choice. Briony Manor went to Anton, and I have little dower. I will endure.”
“Celia …” His hand shot out and he covered her hand with his, holding tight when she tried to pull away. “Tell me what happened with Sutton. The truth.”
“I owe you nothing!” she cried. “You have no right to demand anything of me, John. And I will thank you to let me go this instant!”
Her gaze flew to her riding crop, tucked in its loop on her saddle.
“You want to use that on me now, don’t you, Celia?” he said roughly.
She jerked against his hand, but he held her fast. It was so infuriatingly easy for him to get her where he wanted her.
“It wouldn’t be my hand twisting your balls this time,” she whispered.
Lightning flared in his eyes. “I might let you try—if you told me about your husband. About what has happened to you since I saw you last.”
The convoy suddenly ground to a stop, and Celia saw to her relief that the gates of Harley Hall, their stop for the evening, were just ahead.
John raised her hand to his lips and kissed the knuckles through the leather of her glove. His mouth was warm on her skin.
“This is not over, Celia,” he said against her hand.
Celia pulled away from him at last. “Oh, John. This was over a long time ago …”
Celia leaned her arms on the crenellated wall of Harley Hall’s roof, high above the grand courtyard, and looked out into the night. It was very late—even Darnley and his cronies had stumbled off to bed after draining their generous host’s wine stores. The house was silent, but Celia couldn’t sleep.
She drew the folds of her long cloak closer around her and tilted back her head to stare up at the stars. They shimmered so brightly in the cold, like diamonds and pearls scattered across black velvet. When she was a child she’d used to lie on her back in the garden and look up at the sky just like this, and imagine she could leap up higher and higher and become part of them. Flying among the stars, letting their sparkle draw her in further and further until she was part of them.
But now she knew there was no escape from the claims of the world. Not among the stars. Not anywhere. There were only the hard, cold choices of the world they lived in. Marriages made for convenience; hearts that had to be protected.
Celia braced her hands hard on the stone wall until she felt the bite of it on her palms. Why couldn’t John stay away from her? Why had he ridden next to her today, talking to her, watching her with those eyes as if he waited for something from her?
She had learned long ago that it was much better not to feel at all, to let herself be numb to everything around her. But every time she saw John he chipped away at that ice she’d put around her heart, carefully, relentlessly, until she could feel that terrible heat on her skin again.
She pressed her hands to her face, blocking out the night. Why was he here, suddenly in her life again, reminding her of the fool she had once been?
He had seen the way she’d wanted to reach for her riding crop today, guessed how she longed to lash out at him. To make him hurt as she once had. And that primitive emotion frightened her. It was far too much, too overwhelming.
Just let this journey be over soon, she